parenting insurance

Dearest N'3lvra,

I have brought my young impressionable children on vacation to what I thought was a peaceful beach. Instead, I find the police are on the beach every day with a giant digger trying to locate the corpse of a missing woman. I'm wondering if my children, ages 3, 5, and 5, are too young to sign a contract stating that they will not sue me for psychological treatment later in life for scarring them with this at such a young age. If they are too young, is there any kind of "uh-oh, I think I might have psychologically damaged my children" insurance?

A forward-thinking mom*

My Dear Thinker,
I think they're the perfect age for signing that contract, but the insurance is a stroke of genius. Be sure to get broad coverage: If you hurry your child along because, well, you must, and they complain that their shoes hurt, and then you say, just put them on, we'll worry about that later, and then later you realize that there's actually broken glass in the shoe, well, get coverage for that sort of thing, if available.

FB protocol

Dear Chortnee,
I saw you answer a question about FB, and I'm wondering if you'd be able to answer another one for me. I keep getting friend requests from people whom I'd consider a tiny bit random. By that, I don't mean that they are unpredictable in their motion or anything, but rather, I just don't really know them. Like, for example, my father's dentist. Or the secretary from a job I held ten years ago, and by the way, and I'm only saying this once, she was a bit annoying as a secretary, if you know what I mean. You know the sort who acts like helping you with a mass mailing, or printing a big report is kind of a hassle for them and they'll do it just this once as a special favor, when in fact, it's their job, and you really shouldn't have to grovel to get them to do it?

But I stray from my question, which is, must I accept these requests? I certainly don't want these people to feel un-liked, but then again, I am not really interested in seeing their posts, or sharing mine.

Appreciatively,

Don't wanna be a jerk

Dear Don't Wanna,

Oh, I hate this problem. You could, and I'm not saying I would do this because I need all the friends I can get, but you could send a FB note, kind of over-enthusiastic, saying something like, "My Father's Dentist! AWESOME! Let's get together, shall we, and have a cup of coffee to talk about your friend request. I think we should schedule about 2 hours, because I have a LOT to catch you up on."

Do you think they'd fail to reply, and then it would be more like THEY dissed you, letting you off the hook? But yes, this strategy could go VERY wrong, don't say I didn't warn you.

P.S. Why do people say, "and I'm only saying this once?" Shouldn't that be the norm?

A Beacon for the Mentally Ill

N'3lvra received a surprising e-mail the other day:

"You are receiving this email based on the value I feel your website and the services you offer from your website holds. As the Chief Editor for Counselor.org I continually strive to find the best resources I feel are relevant to what we offer (FREE information), and make sure these resources are available to my users as well." Blah Blah blah, but instead of the blah blah blah, they wrote (with poor sentence construction, I might add), stuff about how valuable their website is for those with mental health issues, and how great Courtney is at also providing services to the mentally ill, and could I please link to their website, and they will be happy to do the same. I know! And then there was the stuff about how this offer only went to a few top quality websites, and Quartnee was selected after careful screening.

Um, seriously? Khortnee? Out of curiosity, I wrote back and said thanks for all the kind words, and what was it, exactly, about this blog that made it stand out as a beacon for the mentally ill. That was a few weeks ago, and I never heard back, but yesterday I got a similar e-mail from epsychology.org.

For the record, I would like to announce the following things:

• Qyartney is not a real doctor. If this is an actual emergency, please go eat a piece of 12 layer cake like I did this weekend and can't stop thinking about.  (They counted the frosting layers to arrive at 12, but still.)
• I certainly don't think my little readership is mentally ill.  That would look bad for both of us, wouldn't it? 

Cats cats cats

Dear N'3lvra,
Advise me on the cat litter issue you expounded on in a previous advice column. I am in a quandary. I had no clue that the creation and disposal of cat litter was such an anti-green activity. Let's see, what is the opposite of green on the color wheel? Red. So it's a red activity. Ugh. We have a cat, but she is indoors only, so at least she isn't killing songbirds. But we are litter-ing. What do we do? Sequester it somehow? Mix it with concrete? Take it to household hazardous waste day?

Signed,
Emerald Shamrock


Dear Emmie,

Remember in the 70's when being green meant having your own little place in the country with a garden and a few chickens? And now, that's the worst thing you can do. Sprawl sprawl sprawl.

The same thing is going on with cats. It used to be the best thing ever to save a cat from a shelter, but not any more. The whole litter topic has been handled most excellently by the incredible Umbra Fisk, but I'll recap here.

The problems with cat litter are: most of it is clay-based, and strip mined, creating ugly scars on the land. Then it comes to you, and when you sift it around, you mobilize silicon particles into the air you breathe, which may cause some health hazards for you and Felix both. Can you say, "mesothelioma"? Me neither. Actually, I'm guessing that the health hazards might be a little tiny bit exaggerated, or we would all know cat owners with hideous lung diseases, right? Grrr, nothing bugs me more than mis-use of data or inaccurate representation of risk, and I'm sure you feel the same way.

But back to the life cycle of kitty litter -- it rapidly becomes waste that's disposed of in a landfill, and as you know, landfills are forever. There are some green alternatives to clay-based litter, which Umbra has tested because she actually has a cat, and the cat is named Bella, which I guess is okay, but I still think Emily is a better name.

My extensive research also lead me to this suggestion: train the cat to use the toilet, and no, I'm not getting paid for product placement. If you do that, please write and let us know how it goes.

Cheers,

Quart-knee

P.S. If you google "cat", you get 605 million hits, which undoubtedly explains why there are no songbirds on the internet where I live.

pious and thrifty

Dear Quortknee:

Is it wrong to make change out of the offering basket when it comes around at church? My friend says it’s wrong. In fact, she didn’t even hesitate when I asked. But what if all I have is a single large bill? I’d like to contribute something, but I’m not sure how much my salvation should cost. And maybe I’d like a little lunch later, you know?

I’ve also heard that old Texas saying, “The higher the hair, the closer to God.” Is that true? Instead of donating to church, maybe I should be spending my money on a higher hairdo, like maybe a really tall, spiky Mohawk. I’m so confused, can you provide some guidance?

On a related note, is it wrong Tweet in church? Seriously, what if I have an app for that? And what if something really moves me at church? Shouldn’t I share that with all my cyber-friends immediately? What if I forget to do it later?

Excuse me,
- Pious and Thrifty

Dear Pious,
I don't know where you got that bad information about the change. It's perfectly fine to make change, but you probably should sit a little farther towards the back if you do, (just to make sure there's change to be had).

I'm not so sure there is a god, but if there is, I'm certain she'd want you to have a spiky mohawk. God's like that, sometimes. All wrapped up in the hairdoos of the mortals. Which, I'd like to point out, is way worse than texting while driving. Seriously, driving the whole friggin' universe, and focusing on the hair of one of the 6 billion human earthlings?  I don't think it's just me this time, that is rather dangerous.

Keep tweeting, if you must, but absolutely no texting.  That's where I draw the line.

You're excused,
Courtney

P.S.  I like how you spell my name.

Unfriends

Hi Cort-nee,

I've had something on my mind now for several days and it finally occurred to me that my troubles would be solved if I wrote you for advice! The problem is that I was defriended on Facebook and I don't know why. 

I've actually been defriended many times but it's usually people I'm not really in touch with any more and was going to defriend myself anyhow, but this time it's different. This person is a current co-worker, sits just down the hall and I actually thought we were  friends, in that coworker kind of way... 

If he had defriended all coworkers I could understand that, but he's still friends with others, even people he had told me personally drive him crazy! So I'm trying to figure out if I've done something really awful and don't remember or didn't realize was so offensive. One more thing...I thought it might be a mistake so I tried 'refriending' him with a little note joking about how I must have really ticked him off and I didn't think our last chat was that bad (we debated a work related topic, good naturedly, I thought) and I'm quite sure he has officially "ignored" the request. I wish it didn't even bother me, but it does. I haven't run into him in the hall since I tried 'refriending'...I'm sure it will be awkward. What should I do?

Offensively? yours,
Friendless



Dear Friendly,

I can't imagine why anyone would defriend you.  (Is that a word now, btw?)  I, in fact, have only defriended one person, but I felt so bad about it that I had to send him a little gift, an actual gift, not one of those fake facebook gifts, and I sent it through the US mail, and it was a string of hand made paper maiche globes and origami cranes that were attached to Christmas lights to create, if I must say so, a very festive and charming bit of lighting that undoubtedly went completely unappreciated, along with the sparest apology about the unfriending, which was undoubtedly received with a, "huh?"  Sadly, I'm not making any of this up.  

Oh, wait, back to you.  I just think that's plain weird.  It would only make sense if FB put a limit on the number of friends you could have, like Real Life does, but they don't.  And you're clearly not any of these people, the over-updaters, or the cryptic-dramatic posters, "I'm carrying on anyway, sniff sniff", or the sort that is constantly starting pillow fights or begging for farm animals.  So it's definitely not you, which is what he should have said during the unfriending. 


You should walk down the hall and say, "Hey, I wonder if you need my home mailing address, because I hear it's traditional to send a little gift when you unfriend someone; it should be something homemade that contains a message of peace and light."  See what he says.  My guess is that he's gonna be all, "huh?"  If that's what happens, you can at least be thinking in your head, "what an asshole!  I'm so lucky he dumped me, its like a weight has been lifted."


Write back to let us know how it goes.


Yours,
Kortney

What's my problem, N'3lvra?

Dear N’3lvra

I have a lot of problems, but what I’m writing to you about today is this: I have written a long, boring, political diatribe to an advice column on a blog that isn’t about that. I pretend I’m writing for advice, but in fact, I discover that I’ve written a 4,459 word diatribe about proposed legislation that doesn’t even affect me, because I don’t even live in that state. I know! Count the words, I am not exaggerating. The problem, I guess, is that I write as if I have a question, when in fact, I just want a platform for my political views. What should I do?

Signed,
Lonestar N.

Dear Lonestar,

Thankfully, you reined yourself in, sparing me the unpleasant task of taking a long political message and reforming it into an actual question. (Oh wait, you didn’t do that? Sheesh. Did it this time, Lonestar, but that’s the last time.)

Maybe you’ve never read an actual advice column before, but here’s how it goes: people write with their own personal problems, like, “I have a co-worker who chews loudly all day,” or, in one particular case, “I have a co-worker who insists that he’s an ambassador to the aliens, and wants me to know that if I stick with him, when the invasion happens and I’m offered the choice of becoming food or a slave, I’ll get my top choice. Which is food, but somehow, that was unacceptable to said co-worker, who insists I select slave.” The little story always ends with a question, like, “how do I get my first choice of being food without insulting the ambassador?”


Other people read advice columns because of the broad appeal; see, everyone, when it comes down to it, has the same problems, Lonestar. All over the land today, people are facing the pushy alien ambassador at the “water cooler”, (and I’m using quotes because no one has ever, in the history of cubicles, gathered around a water cooler.) My point, Lonestar, is that I have about two readers, and they don’t come here for rancor. We don’t know why they come here, in fact, but surely not for that.

So try this on for a real problem: you’ve been through a lot, and it’s left you sad and angry. You’ve grabbed the angry thread and you’re following it all over the land.

Grief leaks out in our lives in all kinds of bad ways. Sit down and actually be sad for a bit, and then get up and try to be a little more joyful. Find the best cupcake in your area. Go look at some water, like an ocean.  Take a walk. Stop joining angry causes, and see if you can laugh three times today. That's a low bar, but I think you can do it, Lonestar.

Cats

Dear Khortnee,

My friend Claire has got no cats.

This is a tragic situation that she clearly needs to remedy. Cats are an essential part of life, after all. An unpurred upon lap is a very lonely lap indeed.

The question is how should she go about acquiring said feline.

Especially when there is rumored to be some cataphobics in the house who might consider the corralling of a cat to be a cataclysmic catastrophy of clearly colossal consequences.

Perhaps some significant other or three should select a cat or two or three and present them to her...

A. nonymous

Dear A. Nonymous,

Keep up, A. Laps are for laptops. Cats are the worst thing ever: kitty litter mined from open pits in Wyoming. Used for a week, then dumped into landfills, which are as bad as strip mines only worse, because of the toxic leachate. And in between, they lurk around the house like they're better than you, pretending they can talk but just don't feel like it because you're not very interesting. AND, domestic cats kill about a billion songbirds a year in this country alone.

I know! Bet you didn't see that particular rant coming, A. Bet you thought I'd be all on your side here, about the furry little pests, but you've actually put N'3lvra in a very cranky mood, just thinking about the cats. My neighbor has a cat that's so big I'm afraid to go outside, and the UPS man has to deliver their stuff to my trailer because he's afraid of the cat too.

Let's leave poor Claire out of this, she has enough mouths to feed already without fostering that particular feline scourge on the planet. Let's focus on your problems, shall we, A? Write again when you can put them into words.

Yours,
Kort-nee

Etiquette

Dear Khortnee,

I need your help with holiday card etiquette. If I send a card out and it is returned "undeliverable, no forwarding address", I immediately want to delete that person from my list. After all, if they're not considerate enough to notify me that they moved sometime during the previous year, then they certainly don't deserve a picture of my adorable children.

My husband thinks differently. He thinks just because they're his relatives and are going through a nasty divorce or got put in a nursing home that we should give them some leniency. Could you help me to explain to him exactly why he is so very very wrong?

signed,

claire*

Dear Claire,
Of course he's wrong. Undeliverable means undeliverable. What part of that is so confusing to the father of those adorable children?

I think it's reasonable to assume that these "friends", and yes, I'm doing the motion that goes with those quotation marks, have traded in the opportunity to receive a picture of those lovely (and might I add intelligent) children for a spot in the witness protection program. Who would do that? I, for example, would let those children take me by the hand and show me their success in potty training, and no, I didn't get no stinkin' card, or even, I might add, a sticker on my star chart. I would let the mafia kill me as long as I get to keep my same address and get a chance to receive a pic of the lovelies.

xoxo,
Courtknee

Confused

Hi Kohrtnee,

(Somehow your name reminds of the word chortle. It's late and I'm rummy, maybe that's why...)

I have two questions:

1. There is a certain relative of mine who needs to find a new place to live. Do ya think suggesting he/she plop one of these nearby would be the right encouragement? Heck, I wouldn't mind living in one of these if the location was right. It kinda says funk/eco more than trailer park. (Oops, was that a gaffe?) This relative isn't living with me, by the way, but is making those who have to live with him/her rather miserable. So just how kosher is it to say 'um, hey, relative, it's time you moved out and left your relations alone!'? (Gender disguised to protect the not-so-innocent.)

2. Why is there an Ask N'3lvra blog with the most recent post being a stale February, 2005?

Sign me,

Confused Chortler


Dear Confused,

I watched the video and almost got seasick.  So I watched it again and again and pretended I was on an oceanic cruise to a warm locale.  Then I remembered, wait, what was the question, requiring that I watch it yet again, with that in mind.  I think, yes, it is the right encouragement.  For what, I'm unsure.

Do you know those people who were in the war, and they keep bringing up the old stories?  Yes, I thought you did.  'Nuf said about the old blog.

Faithfully yours,
N'3lvra (three is silent)

Enviler

Dear Kalamazoo-
What do you have to say to a person whose job is to be part of a tech team and she can't figure out how to answer your alter-ego's (are we talking Three faces Of Eve?) hilarious blog?

And what would you have to say about a person who threw away the handmade soap her college roommate sent them for Christmas because the smell of it immediately transported her to a restroom of a Phillips 66 gas station, like in Redding or Bakersfield, CA. I'm suddenly filled with self loathing and here it is the 1st day of a brand new year.
                                                                     signed,
                                                                       Vila Enviler

My Dear Vila,
Khortnee doesn't get many christmas cards or gifts, but when she does, she immediately pitches them in the trash or recycling (I guess you'd need to put them in the haz mat receptacle?) Or, more awkwardly, she donates them to the garage sales of the people who originally gave them. 

Don't be full of self-loathing (though if you hadn't pitched the soap, you coulda' been full of self lather, but I digress.)  The rest of us love you very much, so get on with yer new year and fill in your lungs with something other than the smell of the gas station.

PS The internet where I live also smells a little like Redding, and a lot like Boring, OR.

thumbs neutral

Dear N'3lvra,
Hubby and I will be attending a neighbor's holiday party, folks we may have met once or never, we don't remember.  Astonishingly, we BOTH want to go equally much, AND that "much" is at a sort of neutral, thumbs-horizontal level.  I am at a loss how to explain to myself how this unusual-for-us convergence has come about.  Could it be something to do with the phase of the moon?  Or are we getting onto the same (and apparently apathetic) wavelength after yearzzzzzz of rabid straining in the opposite direction?  Should I read ANYTHING into this?
Signed,
Anne Awnimis


Dear Annie (may I call you that?),
Hmm, is agreeing on thumbs-neutral the way you want to go with this thing, after all these years? Order out for some vanilla ice cream? Microwave cream of wheat in the morning? I don’t think so. This strange turn of events is nothing to celebrate.

Khortnee doesn’t have much experience with relationships, but it does seem like rabid straining would be way more fun than apathy. Could it be that one of you is just doing this to improve your agreeability cred, so that next time you want your way, you can be all, “Hey, remember that time when I was thumbs neutral on going to the neighbors house that we don’t know for free snacks and drinks? Remember? See, I’m not so very difficult, I am really quite easy to live with. Just this once, I should get my way.” Could that be it?

Yours,
Kortknee

P.S. Don't even bother following that agreeability cred link. I just stuck it in there to demonstrate that Courtney does actual research on each issue. It's pretty complicated.

(Regarding phases of the moon, check back tomorrow.)

Confused

Dear Chortnee,

I just saw some cannabis incense while out shopping today. Um, I thought incense was to cover up the smell of cannabis....

Sing me,

Confused Shopper

Dear Confused,

That's just to help sell houses. It provides that aroma of, "this house is so easy, even a pothead could live here."

Remember back when realtors advised that you bake bread, or boil water with cinnamon in it to make it seem homey? Well, that backfired. Prospective buyers were all, "shit, I have to bake if I live here? Could you show me something a little easier?" The cannabis incense sends the subliminal message, "lazy people who like to snack a lot would be right at home here."

Oh, and I think it's also used sometimes to mask the scent of cooking meth.

Thanks for writing,
Kourtgnee
--

Dear Khort-nee,

I would love some snarky advice. You see, I received Happy Thanksgiving texts from friends, even strangers, while I am out of town away from my children. I sent my kids a Happy Thanksgiving text message - it was a smarmy one, I admit it! - and my kids never replied.

What do I say, what do I do? see the back of my hand flung across my brow in a woe-is-me pose?

My boy is fourteen, my daughter is 21. My 6'3" boy is usually mistaken for a college student and my daughter is routinely considered to be a woman in her 30's, which has contributed to both of them thinking they are more mature than their years. As if teens and 20-somethings don't already have over-inflated egos as it is! If my reply is too whiny and dependent, I'm weak, if I'm flip them some you-know-what, it has to be hip enough to make me look cool.

Looking forward to seeing your reply posted!

Sign me,

Mother Hen Away from her Chicks

Dear Mother Hen,

Thanks for writing. I find your question a little unbelievable; if you were my mom, I'd arrange to be with you on thanksgiving, because I think you might be an excellent cook, not to mention kind-hearted. But that's just me, and maybe its because I've been, well, let's not go into that now. Back to you. You have three choices. But you knew that. Shall we review?

1. You could adopt those random texters as your own family. This might work out for everyone. Maybe those people aren't so tall or confident, and they'd be delighted when you text them with smarmy Pearl Harbor Day wishes and the like.

2. You could go with the, "if you love someone, let them be" approach, and send wishes if you feel like it, but expect nothing in return. This, it turns out, is how Courtnee ended up living alone in the double-wide on the outskirts of the internets, which is not a cautionary tale, just a fact.

3. You could try the bitter lecture approach: over-the-top fondness saturated with guilt: My dear loved ones, you are my real family. And I call you "real" because I created you out of nothing, sacrificed sleep, youth, beauty, and time to the cause of growing you in to the fine young people you've become. Oh wait, have you become fine young people? It remains unclear. I wiped your tears, bandaged your wounds (and didn't even wear latex gloves!) [FYI, Khortnee would NEVER, EVER touch people without wearing gloves.] You should probably mention the stretch marks, and the jobs you've taken, and the countless times you've gone to parent teacher conferences (yawn), the boyfriends you haven't followed, the treehouses you haven't lived in, etc. Lay it on pretty thick. End with the inevitable question, "Is it too much to expect a text message on Thanksgiving?" I'm not trying to rub it in, by any means, but, Khortney's phone has a quick text feature that includes messages like, "you're the best", and "I love you" that can be sent with little effort. (I know, you're wondering why Courtnee even has a phone. But that's for another time.)

Oh, there is always the possibility that they were busy decorating their pilgrim hats, and making festive turkeys out of marzipan, and their hands were too sticky to text back. I bet that was it.

Let me know how it turns out. Oh, and I like the dramatic, "woe is me" pose. I matches my scarf, so if you're ever tired of using it, may I borrow it? I think it would look good in the trailer.

Yours,
N'3lvra

No one has any problems? Even tiny ones?

Because this would be advice column day. I know. But let me introduce N'3lvra, the resident advice columnist. She lives here, in a faded turquoise double-wide at an undisclosed location on the internet. (I know. It's germy out there, with all of the people sneezing everywhere and not washing their hands, but she keeps to herself with her hand sanitizer, and hasn't gotten the H1N1 or anything worse yet.)

Surely, you must know someone with a problem. Write to her. She could use some human contact. Ask Cort-nee Now

.

Oh, and her name? N'3lvra? I know, I think her parents were just selfish, don't you? But it is pronounced "Cort-knee". Spell it how you will, she really doesn't care.