Dear Khortnee,

My friend Claire has got no cats.

This is a tragic situation that she clearly needs to remedy. Cats are an essential part of life, after all. An unpurred upon lap is a very lonely lap indeed.

The question is how should she go about acquiring said feline.

Especially when there is rumored to be some cataphobics in the house who might consider the corralling of a cat to be a cataclysmic catastrophy of clearly colossal consequences.

Perhaps some significant other or three should select a cat or two or three and present them to her...

A. nonymous

Dear A. Nonymous,

Keep up, A. Laps are for laptops. Cats are the worst thing ever: kitty litter mined from open pits in Wyoming. Used for a week, then dumped into landfills, which are as bad as strip mines only worse, because of the toxic leachate. And in between, they lurk around the house like they're better than you, pretending they can talk but just don't feel like it because you're not very interesting. AND, domestic cats kill about a billion songbirds a year in this country alone.

I know! Bet you didn't see that particular rant coming, A. Bet you thought I'd be all on your side here, about the furry little pests, but you've actually put N'3lvra in a very cranky mood, just thinking about the cats. My neighbor has a cat that's so big I'm afraid to go outside, and the UPS man has to deliver their stuff to my trailer because he's afraid of the cat too.

Let's leave poor Claire out of this, she has enough mouths to feed already without fostering that particular feline scourge on the planet. Let's focus on your problems, shall we, A? Write again when you can put them into words.



  1. A very irked cataphobe would like to point out that as Claire's children have not yet been tested for cat allergies, and it would just "break his heart" to adopt a cat then have to give it up.

  2. Goodness, it is good for the songbirds to be chased by cats.

    It is all about Darwin's Theory of Evolution.

    If it wasn't for all those cats keeping those songbirds swift and fleet, then they would become fat, lazy and lose their ability to fly.

  3. and just exactly how long does it take to test the cataphobe for allergies?


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