FB protocol

Dear Chortnee,
I saw you answer a question about FB, and I'm wondering if you'd be able to answer another one for me. I keep getting friend requests from people whom I'd consider a tiny bit random. By that, I don't mean that they are unpredictable in their motion or anything, but rather, I just don't really know them. Like, for example, my father's dentist. Or the secretary from a job I held ten years ago, and by the way, and I'm only saying this once, she was a bit annoying as a secretary, if you know what I mean. You know the sort who acts like helping you with a mass mailing, or printing a big report is kind of a hassle for them and they'll do it just this once as a special favor, when in fact, it's their job, and you really shouldn't have to grovel to get them to do it?

But I stray from my question, which is, must I accept these requests? I certainly don't want these people to feel un-liked, but then again, I am not really interested in seeing their posts, or sharing mine.

Appreciatively,

Don't wanna be a jerk

Dear Don't Wanna,

Oh, I hate this problem. You could, and I'm not saying I would do this because I need all the friends I can get, but you could send a FB note, kind of over-enthusiastic, saying something like, "My Father's Dentist! AWESOME! Let's get together, shall we, and have a cup of coffee to talk about your friend request. I think we should schedule about 2 hours, because I have a LOT to catch you up on."

Do you think they'd fail to reply, and then it would be more like THEY dissed you, letting you off the hook? But yes, this strategy could go VERY wrong, don't say I didn't warn you.

P.S. Why do people say, "and I'm only saying this once?" Shouldn't that be the norm?

Unfriends

Hi Cort-nee,

I've had something on my mind now for several days and it finally occurred to me that my troubles would be solved if I wrote you for advice! The problem is that I was defriended on Facebook and I don't know why. 

I've actually been defriended many times but it's usually people I'm not really in touch with any more and was going to defriend myself anyhow, but this time it's different. This person is a current co-worker, sits just down the hall and I actually thought we were  friends, in that coworker kind of way... 

If he had defriended all coworkers I could understand that, but he's still friends with others, even people he had told me personally drive him crazy! So I'm trying to figure out if I've done something really awful and don't remember or didn't realize was so offensive. One more thing...I thought it might be a mistake so I tried 'refriending' him with a little note joking about how I must have really ticked him off and I didn't think our last chat was that bad (we debated a work related topic, good naturedly, I thought) and I'm quite sure he has officially "ignored" the request. I wish it didn't even bother me, but it does. I haven't run into him in the hall since I tried 'refriending'...I'm sure it will be awkward. What should I do?

Offensively? yours,
Friendless



Dear Friendly,

I can't imagine why anyone would defriend you.  (Is that a word now, btw?)  I, in fact, have only defriended one person, but I felt so bad about it that I had to send him a little gift, an actual gift, not one of those fake facebook gifts, and I sent it through the US mail, and it was a string of hand made paper maiche globes and origami cranes that were attached to Christmas lights to create, if I must say so, a very festive and charming bit of lighting that undoubtedly went completely unappreciated, along with the sparest apology about the unfriending, which was undoubtedly received with a, "huh?"  Sadly, I'm not making any of this up.  

Oh, wait, back to you.  I just think that's plain weird.  It would only make sense if FB put a limit on the number of friends you could have, like Real Life does, but they don't.  And you're clearly not any of these people, the over-updaters, or the cryptic-dramatic posters, "I'm carrying on anyway, sniff sniff", or the sort that is constantly starting pillow fights or begging for farm animals.  So it's definitely not you, which is what he should have said during the unfriending. 


You should walk down the hall and say, "Hey, I wonder if you need my home mailing address, because I hear it's traditional to send a little gift when you unfriend someone; it should be something homemade that contains a message of peace and light."  See what he says.  My guess is that he's gonna be all, "huh?"  If that's what happens, you can at least be thinking in your head, "what an asshole!  I'm so lucky he dumped me, its like a weight has been lifted."


Write back to let us know how it goes.


Yours,
Kortney

Mistaken identity

Someone I know has created a fake facebook profile, selected a college and year of graduation for this phony person, and sent friend requests to other graduates of that school. In two days, this phony person, whom I’ll call Bob, has acquired 145 friends. I know, that’s way more friends than I have, and I’m an actual person. It's best if I don't think too hard about that.

When Bob posts a status update, it’s generic, like, “Long day today,” and some of his FB friends click, “like.” Of the 145 friends, five asked the question, “do I know you?” before approving the friend request. To which “Bob” answered, “Um, yeah, didn’t we have a class together with that whacky professor?” In each case, that was enough to recover the person’s memory, and they’d invariably respond with something like, “Oh, right! Professor L.! Yes, I was the T.A. for that, remember?” Every comment of Bobs is generic and ridiculously obvious. For example, one friend posted a picture of a knife. Bob commented, “Is that a knife?” The friend replied with a lengthy comment about the knife, and Bob responded, “thought so.”

I was wondering about all of this, trying to decide if FB is more theater than social network, and how it would be to get a friend request from someone who you not only don't know, but has no other friends. What was going through the mind of the first person who accepted the friend request?

I was doing this wondering while driving to a field meeting for work, which I wouldn’t write about or I could be fired: rule number one about blogging is don’t write about work or anyone you know. Which is why blogs can seem rather self-absorbed, leading to the comment, “NOBODY CARES WHAT YOU HAD FOR LUNCH” (two prawn tacos).

So anyway, without boring you with the sordid details of this field meeting, I’ll sketch it out. I was requested to attend by the developer, who is not named Bob, hereinafter referred to as NB. Also in attendance was the developer’s consultant, who is not named Joe, but we’ll call him that. Got it? Two people plus me. For you, the reader, that’s three people to keep track of, but for any of us at the meeting, that’s only two. Not a big number. If you’re the person who called the meeting, as was NB, it seems like you’d be able to keep it straight.

So this project has been dragging on literally for years. I was involved at the beginning, when NB first filled a wetland and cleared trees he wasn’t supposed to and did other illegal things like draining a wetland and dumping silty water into a salmon stream on a weekend. Oh, did I say that? No, I don’t think so. I’m pretty sure you didn’t hear that from me.

So there’s been the long drawn-out unpleasantness that happens: that wasn’t a wetland. Was too. No way. Yes way. You can’t make me. Can too. And so on. And then the person who was this close to getting resolution on the whole thing got laid off, handing it back to me. “He’s a bug under the glass,” she told me. “You just need to have this one meeting, and you can wrap it up.” Yes, she actually said that about the bug.

So we’re meeting, and going over all the negotiations that have gone down, and so far, so good. Then he mentions that he wants to cut back a steep slope that he created by excavating an area that he wasn’t supposed to mess with in the first place, but now it’s a big ugly scar on the land that he wants to remedy by further encroaching into the wetland buffer, and I tell him no, fix it by filling in the other way rather than cutting back further.

It got really nasty then, with him saying stuff like, “Well, that’s a deal-breaker. I’m walking.” Which is not unlike when R. told me he was leaving because I asked him to do the dishes. “Um, okay, go for it. Strike out on your own, young man, but if you need a roof over your head, a car to drive, money for fancy yo-yos, dinner, and so on, come on by and do the dishes.” It was not unlike that. I’m thinking, Um, okay, deal broken. I don’t really care, as the little zoombini guy used to say.

I stayed pretty cool, and suggested a few ways he could modify his design to meet both the code and his needs, and he gets all, “LOOK. I know what I’m doing. Just stick to your little wetland stuff, and leave me to develop the lot." I’m thinking, wait, I don't think he knows he’s the bug under the glass.

“Where are you getting all this stuff, that I can’t do that?” And I turn into code zombie, I’m all drone-y, per 21A.24. 045 D blah di blah blah. Yes, that’s an actual superpower, kind of like rainman but super boring. And he’s all incensed, and just says, STOP. I’ll call the shots here. Which again, just seemed freaky.

So I say wait, let’s review. We’re giving you this flexibility in these areas, and I begin to list them. I’m heading toward that part of the conversation of, right, fine, don’t do the dishes, your choice, but don’t expect to drive the car anytime soon, or hit me up for concert tickets, etc. But before I get there, he starts pointing his finger at me, and says, “Look, you’re workin’ for me now. I don’t want to hear all this, “we” stuff, as if you’re part of the county. You’re just one person, and you are on my team now, and you’re here to help me get this done.”

Which seems like the kind of conversation that would be accompanied by a bribe, don’t you think? The finger pointing and yelling, well, I dunno, it wasn’t all that effective. So I said some closure things, the way public servants do, all droney and acting like I wasn’t extremely irritated that I had to put up with this crap. I got in my car and was about to drive away when he knocked on my window.

“Hey, I owe you an apology.”

I thought, wow, indeed you do, but just said, “yes?”

And he said, “Um, I guess I was a little bit confused. I thought you were my consultant. So, when I said, “you aren’t working for the County, I was wrong. So I’m sorry for the mix up.”

Okay then. I was trying hard not to laugh, and the consultant was standing behind him also trying not to laugh, and I was thinking that of all his rude bullying behavior, the thing he has to apologize for is that he thought I was someone else?

Check back, because while I'm on this mistaken identity theme, I may write something about the drug sniffing dogs that were called out recently.