pious and thrifty

Dear Quortknee:

Is it wrong to make change out of the offering basket when it comes around at church? My friend says it’s wrong. In fact, she didn’t even hesitate when I asked. But what if all I have is a single large bill? I’d like to contribute something, but I’m not sure how much my salvation should cost. And maybe I’d like a little lunch later, you know?

I’ve also heard that old Texas saying, “The higher the hair, the closer to God.” Is that true? Instead of donating to church, maybe I should be spending my money on a higher hairdo, like maybe a really tall, spiky Mohawk. I’m so confused, can you provide some guidance?

On a related note, is it wrong Tweet in church? Seriously, what if I have an app for that? And what if something really moves me at church? Shouldn’t I share that with all my cyber-friends immediately? What if I forget to do it later?

Excuse me,
- Pious and Thrifty

Dear Pious,
I don't know where you got that bad information about the change. It's perfectly fine to make change, but you probably should sit a little farther towards the back if you do, (just to make sure there's change to be had).

I'm not so sure there is a god, but if there is, I'm certain she'd want you to have a spiky mohawk. God's like that, sometimes. All wrapped up in the hairdoos of the mortals. Which, I'd like to point out, is way worse than texting while driving. Seriously, driving the whole friggin' universe, and focusing on the hair of one of the 6 billion human earthlings?  I don't think it's just me this time, that is rather dangerous.

Keep tweeting, if you must, but absolutely no texting.  That's where I draw the line.

You're excused,
Courtney

P.S.  I like how you spell my name.