Dear Khort-nee,

I would love some snarky advice. You see, I received Happy Thanksgiving texts from friends, even strangers, while I am out of town away from my children. I sent my kids a Happy Thanksgiving text message - it was a smarmy one, I admit it! - and my kids never replied.

What do I say, what do I do? see the back of my hand flung across my brow in a woe-is-me pose?

My boy is fourteen, my daughter is 21. My 6'3" boy is usually mistaken for a college student and my daughter is routinely considered to be a woman in her 30's, which has contributed to both of them thinking they are more mature than their years. As if teens and 20-somethings don't already have over-inflated egos as it is! If my reply is too whiny and dependent, I'm weak, if I'm flip them some you-know-what, it has to be hip enough to make me look cool.

Looking forward to seeing your reply posted!

Sign me,

Mother Hen Away from her Chicks

Dear Mother Hen,

Thanks for writing. I find your question a little unbelievable; if you were my mom, I'd arrange to be with you on thanksgiving, because I think you might be an excellent cook, not to mention kind-hearted. But that's just me, and maybe its because I've been, well, let's not go into that now. Back to you. You have three choices. But you knew that. Shall we review?

1. You could adopt those random texters as your own family. This might work out for everyone. Maybe those people aren't so tall or confident, and they'd be delighted when you text them with smarmy Pearl Harbor Day wishes and the like.

2. You could go with the, "if you love someone, let them be" approach, and send wishes if you feel like it, but expect nothing in return. This, it turns out, is how Courtnee ended up living alone in the double-wide on the outskirts of the internets, which is not a cautionary tale, just a fact.

3. You could try the bitter lecture approach: over-the-top fondness saturated with guilt: My dear loved ones, you are my real family. And I call you "real" because I created you out of nothing, sacrificed sleep, youth, beauty, and time to the cause of growing you in to the fine young people you've become. Oh wait, have you become fine young people? It remains unclear. I wiped your tears, bandaged your wounds (and didn't even wear latex gloves!) [FYI, Khortnee would NEVER, EVER touch people without wearing gloves.] You should probably mention the stretch marks, and the jobs you've taken, and the countless times you've gone to parent teacher conferences (yawn), the boyfriends you haven't followed, the treehouses you haven't lived in, etc. Lay it on pretty thick. End with the inevitable question, "Is it too much to expect a text message on Thanksgiving?" I'm not trying to rub it in, by any means, but, Khortney's phone has a quick text feature that includes messages like, "you're the best", and "I love you" that can be sent with little effort. (I know, you're wondering why Courtnee even has a phone. But that's for another time.)

Oh, there is always the possibility that they were busy decorating their pilgrim hats, and making festive turkeys out of marzipan, and their hands were too sticky to text back. I bet that was it.

Let me know how it turns out. Oh, and I like the dramatic, "woe is me" pose. I matches my scarf, so if you're ever tired of using it, may I borrow it? I think it would look good in the trailer.

Yours,
N'3lvra