What makes you think I have cats?

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  I don't know about you, but I'm not satisfied by the long form birth certificate.  I want to see the Apgar scores.  I would hate for us to have a president who's first cry after birth was weak, irregular, or gasping, Aries, and I know you're on my side here. 

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):    Do you ever have apartment hunting blues, and then you start to realize, wow, what a great thing, I get to actually move and live somewhere else, and I have all of this choice, at least in theory.  Until you realize that the choices aren't that great, or they're too expensive, or in a sketchy location?  Yeah, that's not your horoscope.  Your horoscope is this:  with the moon in the sky, and the fish in the sea, this is as good as it gets.  (Not that it doesn't get better, but well, to be candid, it doesn't, and that's not a bad thing.)  Be joyful.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): We really don't know much about the sort of birthday cake that our presid…

Dear N'3lvra, Someone recently suggested that I start writing a blog, after I mentioned a temptation to write an essay about a topic we were discussing on Facebook.  Since you, Khortnee, have an acquaintance with an insanely popular and wildly funny blog, I immediately knew to seek your advice.  Not whether to write a blog - I already know I have less than no time for it, it will not help me focus on What I Need To Focus On, and it will just be One More Thing - no, I just want to know if I hypothetically started writing one, what should I name it?

Signed,
Gemini
Dear Gemini (Mind if I call you GeGe?), I’m glad you wrote, because I wholeheartedly agree that you should NOT start a blog.  Having a blog is like having a dog, without the part where the happy animal runs to greet you when you get home, tail wagging, behaving as if the best moment in his life has just arrived, and you are that moment.    No, a blog is the kind of dog that stares at you when you’re napping on the couch, givin…

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  Courtney is an Aries too!  I know.  She does have a song now (Track 10), but hasn't gotten any letters.  Surely you've got a problem, Aries.  And I mean that in the fondest way possible.  (Flang does not mean there's no future, btw.  It just means there was a past.)  Your week will be full of incense, flowers, chocolate -- stuff like that. 

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Hey, your birthday's coming up, the big one!  Take a minute to be grateful that you were born with two arms and a brilliant mind.  That doesn't happen every day.  Ask the people who love you for this book for your birthday.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  Can you even believe that the Donald is a Gemini too?  That seems so wrong, you lovely twins. That this greedy, anti-choice, anti-gun control, anti-same-sex marriage birther even shares the same calendaring system with you people is shocking. But it turns out that all of you Gemini's are rich -- some of you more in the ideas, empathy, good…

Earlier this week, I went into my boss’s office.“My turn for a pep talk.” He looked up.“Go, Betsy, Go.” “That’s it? Really?” “I have a grindstone at home.I was thinking I could bring it in and just point, and you’d know to put your nose right up there.” “That sounds swell.Thanks.I guess.” “What’s going on?” I wish so much that I could actually write what goes down at my office, because there's more than enough material for a decent blog but, well, it turns out I’m not as rich as everyone believes.(Oh shoot, did I say that out loud?)So let’s talk about something else, shall we? Let’s pretend I’m a nurse, working at a hospital.I get appointed to serve on a committee to develop suggestions about how we can save more lives. I’m pretty excited about saving lives, being a nurse and all, so I come up with a few ideas, and have a meeting with the head administrator of the hospital to share them. I suggest a few things, like, “hey, I have an idea -- we could try to stop the bleeding right away wh…

Today, E. walked in to my cube, talking as he attached a small candy bar to the file cabinet with a magnet.  I was happy about this turn of events, because usually, he throws the candy from afar, seeing if he can hit me in the head.

“Your blog is getting really lame.  Put forth a little effort.”

“Oh, I know! But trust me, I’ve got nothing. I actually am putting effort into it.”

“That’s ridiculous. Just write about your stupid life the way you usually do.”

He tosses me a bag of peanut M&M’s and wanders off.  A few minutes later, I Haven’t Been Trained in That (IHBTIT) sits down in my guest chair with one of those stories that's really hard to pay attention to, and I think you know how that is.

I focus on trying not to look stuff up on the internet while he talks.  We have this thing, IHBTIT and I, where he comes in and says stuff to bait me into googling something.  It may sound unlikely, but I often don’t realize we’re playing that game until I start typing, at which point he …

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  Do you ignore your children so you can watch Repo, the Genetic Opera, a movie about an organ repo man who reclaims hearts and kidneys from past due accounts?  That’s not the worst problem a child can have, so cut yourself some slack, make popcorn, and watch the movie.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Oh, I was going to make a joke about Taurus being like a bull in the galaxy, but that would be so  inaccurate.  You bring grace and good humor into the world, lucky us.  Dance dance dance.  That’s what your week will be like. 

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  Being attached to animals is not necessary for human survival, but it does make survival more fun.  I just heard some stupid podcast saying that dogs don’t really love their people, they’ve just evolved to behave as if they care.  WTF?  I don’t think it serves anyone to split hairs where love is concerned.  Of course the dog loves you.  Sheesh. 

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  Speaking of dogs, I once went to a pet psychic to see what that was…

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  They say that if life hands you lemons, take photos of them, post on your blog, make lemonade, spill it all over the refrigerator, play outside, and then make more lemonade.  Anyway, back to me.  So I wrote to Starlee Kine, and She. Didn't. Write. Back.  What's up with that?  Aries, enjoy your vacation, actual or metaphorical.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  You know that part of the quarter when all the books and classes are new, and you vow to really work hard and stay on top of everything?  In fact, you're going to probably be ahead, and do extra stuff.  Yes, for sure.  And then, well...  But this time, for sure, it's gonna be different.  And so is your week.  You'll encounter all things wonderful.  This week will be amazing.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Do you think you actually are the cake boss?  And then the cake is all, "Hey, you're not the boss of me."  I know.  That happens here too.  Cupcakes yield to authority more readily; start there…

When R. was about 12 or 13, he took a pretty in-depth sexuality education class (Our Whole Lives), which is another thing that I have to say, Unitarians do right.  The point is to give kids the opportunity to get solid technical information, but also, an opportunity to explore the emotional and spiritual aspects of sexuality, to promote healthy attitudes and decisions.  At any rate, he became way more comfortable with the topic than I was at his age, and would come home with things like, “Mom, did you know that there are 6 to 10 million sperm per ejaculation?”  Which is a really good point that someone noted recently – we all won that race, fastest of 10 million. Something to be proud of, no matter what happens next. During this time period, we were home one afternoon. He’d taken a shower and emptied the contents of his pocket onto the counter in the bathroom, then left a big mess and went off to do something else.  Since the Something Else was homework, I decided to let him be and cle…