What's going down this week

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  Courtney is an Aries too!  I know.  She does have a song now (Track 10), but hasn't gotten any letters.  Surely you've got a problem, Aries.  And I mean that in the fondest way possible.  (Flang does not mean there's no future, btw.  It just means there was a past.)  Your week will be full of incense, flowers, chocolate -- stuff like that. 

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Hey, your birthday's coming up, the big one!  Take a minute to be grateful that you were born with two arms and a brilliant mind.  That doesn't happen every day.  Ask the people who love you for this book for your birthday.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  Can you even believe that the Donald is a Gemini too?  That seems so wrong, you lovely twins. That this greedy, anti-choice, anti-gun control, anti-same-sex marriage birther even shares the same calendaring system with you people is shocking. But it turns out that all of you Gemini's are rich -- some of you more in the ideas, empathy, good will, and forgiveness categories, which is really where it's at.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  Seriously, the moon is in the seventh house of partners.  I'm not sure what it means, but I think it's good.  Really good.  Plant seeds, draw a picture, dance and sing.  Okay, I looked it up, and it says during this time, you will have an emotional attachment to a marital partner.  (Hopefully your own, but that's not discussed.)

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Your key planet is the sun, and for the first time in a while, we'll be seeing some; that will help.  Be proud of your high EQ.  I wish everyone were so endowed!  But if you do wander over to GQ, read the article about Tina Fey.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):  There's a new theory called "vanishing dimensions"that suggests that the universe started as a one-dimensional line, and as it grew, it folded over itself again and again, creating a web with got more and more tangled up, creating new dimensions.  There will be a lot of that going on in your life this week -- things getting ever-so tangled to the point where you'll probably need new pants.  That's called a growth spurt, and for the universe, it only took a trillionth of a second.  I know!  Shit happens fast, Virgo.  Pay attention.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  Good news, my friends.  I was purchasing coffee from an actual astrologist on Saturday, who said Libras should take cover, hide under the bed for a for a few days, and just ride out the worst of this mars in retrograde biz.  Well, it's nearly over.  Ten years of bad juju for the Libra comes to an end tomorrow!  Better days ahead.  (Not that I believe in that stuff, except for that after he told me to drive the speed limit directly home and hide, I did get a $124 speeding ticket.  Ouch.  Good thing the blog is so lucrative!)

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  What's up with Estibalis Chavez?  Never heard of her?  Okay, she fasted for 16 days in front of the British Embassy in Mexico City, hoping to get to the Royal Wedding.  Um, sadly enough, it worked -- an anonymous benefactor is sending her to the wedding, 17 pounds lighter.  That's a bad way to get stuff done, Scorp, and I also think it's a lame cause to lobby for.  (Is that too familiar, "Scorp?"  I think we're at that point, the point where I can use the bathroom while on the phone with you, but let's just keep that off the internet, shall we?)  Anyway, the horoscope:  be aware of confusion or vagueness this week.  Wear magenta.  Stuff like that.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Should you get arrested pool hopping in fine hotels in Seattle, you're on your own, my friend.  But that's more like establishing a boundary than an actual horoscope, so here's the 'scope:  Don't be miserly with your lottery fantasy.  Spend wildly.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): When will it ever end, my dear Capricorns?  Now one of your own, Greg Mortenson, has been accused of fraud? A faked kidnapping, and only 40% of the money raised goes to schools? I bet the three cups of tea was probably three cups of coffee laced with whiskey. 

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  Did you know Ayn Rand was born on Groundhog's day too?  Go to the movie, let me know what you think.  Today I went to the doctor for routine stuff, and first the nurse starts telling me that she's going to take up exercise and diet.  I thought it was odd, but then the doctor comes in and she does the exact same thing!  She tells me she's ordered a treadmill, and is going to get started on walking every day.  Is that backwards?  Shouldn't they be asking me about my lifestyle?  Anyway, just have a lifestyle, whatever it is.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  This is going to be a great blog when it gets going.  I hope.  What's taking them so long, though?  But that's precisely the point, Pisces.   (Does the word, "precisely" add anything in that sentence?  I think not.)  Things take time.  Be patient.  I know, you'd be there already, but  everyone isn't you, unfortunately.  Exhale exhale exhale.  Pass your time by making a flow chart; map out the possibilities.