Signs, signs, everywhere there's signs

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  Do you ignore your children so you can watch Repo, the Genetic Opera, a movie about an organ repo man who reclaims hearts and kidneys from past due accounts?  That’s not the worst problem a child can have, so cut yourself some slack, make popcorn, and watch the movie.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Oh, I was going to make a joke about Taurus being like a bull in the galaxy, but that would be so  inaccurate.  You bring grace and good humor into the world, lucky us.  Dance dance dance.  That’s what your week will be like. 

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  Being attached to animals is not necessary for human survival, but it does make survival more fun.  I just heard some stupid podcast saying that dogs don’t really love their people, they’ve just evolved to behave as if they care.  WTF?  I don’t think it serves anyone to split hairs where love is concerned.  Of course the dog loves you.  Sheesh. 

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  Speaking of dogs, I once went to a pet psychic to see what that was like.  After doing the eyes closed, concentration thing that could have been an after-school special about a séance, she said to each pet owner, “I’m getting something…. Yes, your dog really loves you.  Yes he does.  He just asks that you get up earlier.  And he'd like to go for more walks.”  Cancer, you don’t have to do any of that; we love you just as you are.  But we should go for a walk soon.  Friday?

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): This week, I ask my boss if people still fly regular kites.  You know, the homemade kind, the kind you flew in the suburbs, where you’d have to run forward while looking back to watch the kite, and either you’d smash into the tree, or the kite would get tangled in the tree.  Does that even happen anymore?  People have gotten so smart now, they fly the kites on the beach!  Your week, Leo, will feel like a beach vacation, so get out your kite.  (Oh, my boss didn't answer my question -- he went off on a long reminisce about the pickle farm, as usual.)

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):  We are on Day 43 of no sun, except for that little break on Friday, which doesn’t exactly count because I’m not even sure it passed the “fewer than 30% clouds” test for long enough during the day.  (Or maybe I was just in a bad mood.) Is there another place in the land that has actually created a definition for what a sunny day is?   Like, yeah, you might have thought it was cloudy and rainy, but the people who measure these things confirm that it was indeed sunny today...  This week we’ll experience rainy days number 44 through 50; I’d suggest you take up drinking. (I am so tired of the ark jokes, by the way.  They are getting ridiculously stale.)

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Keep doing what you do, Libra.  Live with integrity and no regrets.  And send me the damn cd already, please.   The house needs a cure.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  If you’re afraid that you’ll love someone who’s going to die, and you want to avoid the situation of crying in the store while buying plastic flowers for the grave because it’s become too costly to put fresh flowers out every week, well, there’s not a lot you can do about it.  Except this:  buy the fake flowers now.  Hide them from your loved ones if you must, but there’s really no way around it.  The humans care about each other and are sad when one of us goes, which is a good thing, like the opposable thumb.  Every time you see those stupid plastic flowers, let it remind you how many people love and are loved by you.  (But hide them really well so that no one thinks you’re creepy.)

Saggitarius (11/22 – 12/21):  Did you ever have that thing where you buy a sandwich to take on a picnic, and you sit down a few blocks away, bite into it, a delicious grilled onion slides out of the sandwich onto the ground, and strangely enough, lands right next to another piece of grilled onion?  That’ll happen, Sag.  You can view at that as, “wow, there’s nothing original, it’s all been done before, someone else has had this exact picnic”, or maybe you could try thinking, “damn, good for me, I must be on the right track.  This is what the cool humans do.” Assume you’re on the right track. 

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  I will confess to you, Capricorn, that I've stopped paying attention to the news.  I used to be all about that Wendell Berry line, “Be joyful, though you have considered the facts.”  That seemed like excellent advice, but it’s harder and harder to do both, so I’m skipping the facts.  Just be joyful.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  Try on this music, which you’ll be hearing more about soon.  It’s got a song about N’3lvra!  She is super-excited, from her double-wide on the outskirts of the internet.  Finally, the fame she has longed for.  Your week will be all about overcoming obstacles.  (I stole that from a legit horoscope site, fyi.  Sounds authentic, doesn’t it?)  By the way, Courtney doesn't get much mail lately, and you've got lots of problems.... Maybe it's a match?

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  You should totally go to Europe this week.  In fact, it's your astrological destiny!  Be safe and have fun.