The movements of the planets affect us again this week

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  They say that if life hands you lemons, take photos of them, post on your blog, make lemonade, spill it all over the refrigerator, play outside, and then make more lemonade.  Anyway, back to me.  So I wrote to Starlee Kine, and She. Didn't. Write. Back.  What's up with that?  Aries, enjoy your vacation, actual or metaphorical.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  You know that part of the quarter when all the books and classes are new, and you vow to really work hard and stay on top of everything?  In fact, you're going to probably be ahead, and do extra stuff.  Yes, for sure.  And then, well...  But this time, for sure, it's gonna be different.  And so is your week.  You'll encounter all things wonderful.  This week will be amazing.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Do you think you actually are the cake boss?  And then the cake is all, "Hey, you're not the boss of me."  I know.  That happens here too.  Cupcakes yield to authority more readily; start there

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21):  Remember the 1980's when ordinary people wore sweat pants?  Who says things aren't getting better?  Why, B. told me today that he wore the same pair of blue sweats for about three years straight, which, I know, doesn't pertain to your horoscope at all, but I had to get that off my chest.

These days, sweats seem to be the domain of the pervy guy who needs pants that come off really fast.  I was  thinking about that because I overheard heard Officer Vest Lady saying, "I told him, 'I'm from the County, and I'm not talking to you until you put some pants on'."  With the moon in the 18th house, you aren't very likely to hear that this week.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  Leo, you are so mellow these days that when you think you're acting irritable, I just think you're sleepy or drunk.  Not a bad problem to have.  We are not a complaining people, I might add, but this weather has just been a little too much, even for the hardiest among us.  There's still 60 feet of snow on Highway 20 which isn't about to be opening anytime soon.  Don't despair.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): So the other day, I go ask the Baron for advice:  "I can either," I begin, "wait patiently to get laid off, reduce my hours now, or have a sex change operation while I still have good insurance."  Miss Clickety Click comes in about then and asks which direction I'm headed with the sex change.  I am pretty sure that's not a complement, but the baron laughs so hard that for a minute it's totally worth it to be the butt of that joke.  When he finally catches his breath, he asks if I cut my own hair.  Um, the point, Virgo, is that I need a new job.  See what you can do.  Oh, and your week?  Awesome, as usual.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):   Don't feel embarrassed if your housecleaning music involves Lady Gaga.  There's no shame in that.  Reasons for shame would include stalking Jackson Browne, or having Rhett Miller sign your boob, but I'm sure you, my Libra friend, would never hardly ever do that.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  You, Scorpio, are a finisher, and so many of us are merely starters.  There are door knobs on only one side of the door, which is fine if you're coming but not so much if you're going.  ('What does she mean by that', you're whispering to yourself...'is it some sort of koan?')  Appreciate your persistence, and wish everyone were more like you.  That' totally fair.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):   Hey, be here now.  Don't worry so much about all of those bridges that we haven't burned yet.  The here and now could be pretty damn good, as it turns out.  Why in fact, someone wrote a horoscope just for you! 

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  So, there's a plate of brownies on the counter that the boys made (!?) during what we will call "spring break", which seems rather like a misnomer, because when you only have class for about an hour a week, which is the break?  (Are you a boy dreaming you're a student, or a student dreaming you're a boy?)  I ask if I may have a brownie, and they're all generous, and then, when I start to eat it, are all, "whoa, careful there, just a small one, you never know what's in there." So read this book; I think you'll get a huge kick out of it.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  I hate that I keep getting sucked into checking Google to see what the breakout searches are, because I'm pretty sure nothing good ever comes of it.   A breakout search right now, for example, is Helvetica.  Huh?  This, my Aquarian friends, is what keeps a horoscopist up at night.  That, and the fact that there is someone at the This American Life office administering psychopath tests, which I just read on their Facebook page, because we're actual FB friends.  I know!  Why oh why didn't Starlee write back? 

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):   In my office, in the interest of streamlining, we’ve changed the mail system.  I know, this might seem unremarkable, but we used to have one room for all the types of mail - incoming, outgoing.  Strange?  So now that we're all streamlined, we have one location for out-going unstamped mail (second floor), one location for out-going stamped mail (first floor), and a third location to pick up the mail.  See what you can do to streamline your own life.  Benevolent Jupiter is coming into Taurus soon.  You know what to do.


  1. Hey! I am personalizing your projection for Sagittarius. Yep, here and now is pretty damned good.

  2. HAHAHAHA! I had to laugh! you are too funny for words! LOVE your blog as usual! :)

  3. I hear they are looking for greeters at Walmart. I'm pretty sure they will enjoy your cheery nature. It's not a great job, but the pay sucks. Tell them I sent you. Virgo.

  4. Hey, I agree, the present is pretty damn good. ~Your Favorite (I hope) Sag,

  5. B, the thing with a horoscope is, you don't even have to personalize it! I know! Ask Cartoon Characters, right? It just nails it.

    And Mike, that's a brilliant idea, to get a not great job with sucky pay! It might even go along with the sex change idea, because I hear the men get a better deal at Walmart.

    And D, why sure!


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