I guess the Internet is where we share minor disappointments. I have one! I wanted to do something nice for my fine son, so I started making hand-held pies from scratch. Wouldn't it be nice, if you're a hardworking student, to be able tor each into the freezer and grab a chicken pie?
So I located a recipe, boldly, from Martha Stewart. Because me and Martha.
And I bought a chicken, and and bought new flour, because mine was stale, and greek yogurt because I had none. And I made crust from scratch, and chilled it, and made the whole chicken from scratch too. First, the live chicken probably did it's own scratching. And then me, threw it in a pot. And I didn't eat the whole damn thing, the way Those Darlin's did.
And I rolled out the pie crust and cut it into circles, and even measured. With an engineer scale. And blah blah blah, smooshed them together kind of neatly, and made little "R"s on the top as a vent, and so on. And it was going swimmingly.
I even started making bone broth with the leftover chicken parts in a cauldron, the way the cool kids are doing these days.
And then they were done cooking, according to the timer, but they didn't look brown on top. So I put a tiny bit of cheddar cheese on there (yummy idea, right?), and turned it on to broil.
And then, alas, got distracted by going outside for just a minute. When I returned, Isaw flames, actual flames, leaping out of the oven. I was happy to have a fire extinguisher.
Saturday, October 17, 2015
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Go watch this documentary, Pisces. (Or, listen to the podcast.) It's about a guy who, after a head injury, creates a whole miniature WWII town in his backyard, and makes complicated stories out of barbies and his alter-ego doll. It's like Lars and the Real Girl, but sadder, sweeter, more heartbreaking. At first I was amused because it seems a bit crazy drag barbies around in a toy jeep to scuff up the tires. But by the end, I felt different, maybe a bit teary. It was so poignant -- a man creating friends and an engaged life out of plastic barbies to alleviate his loneliness. I think we all do that a little bit, don't we?Aries (3/21 - 4/19): I've been feeling the need to make miniature fire pits that I can carry with me and give away. I'm not sure why but I'm fairly obsessed with it at the moment.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): What if you got dolphins, instead of endorphins from exercise. Right? Now that, my friends, would eliminate obesity. Spinning with the dolphins? Isn't that what we all want, from the very deepest soul of our being? Do you think the tv show "Flipper" changed us all? How about Mr. Ed? I have kind of a giant crush on Mr. Ed, truth be told.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): There are people who act as reference points in our lives -- the ones we consider before we act, the ones we want to tell stuff to, the ones who's opinions we care about. In short, the people who matter. Love those people well, even if you never see them, they die, they disappear from view or your life.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): Here's an ethics question, Cancer. If you are tasked with babysitting someone's sourdough starter, and it's been in their family for generations. Like, maybe it was on the Mayflower, or in the goldrush, and under your jurisdiction it dies. Maybe it's not your fault. The starter could have just been in a down phase, like, "what's the point?" Or maybe there was some malpractice; it's a bit unclear. Anyway, the question, Cancer, is: should you go get more starter somewhere and say nothing, the way people do when they pet sit a turtle that dies? Or, do you fess up?
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): I listened to a podcast created by a home organizer in Cincinnati, and my immediate thought was "thank god that's not my life." House organizer, Cincinnati -- the whole thing sounds dismal and makes my life seem pretty damn good because at least it's near mountains and the ocean.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): I saw this cool underground yellow jacket nest yesterday. I don't know if it's as amazing on a tiny video, but somehow, there was a big hole in a lawn, and the wasps moved in. So many questions! Why underground in a wetland, yellow jackets? Wouldn't you rather be in a tree? Virgo, don't go underground, whatever you do. Stay up here with us!
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): I had a chance to do an invertebrate identification class last week, and it was so fun that I've been longing for a microscope and a light trap. I just want to study something, anything. I'm not sure what it is, but I think its an urgency about how quickly the climate and the planet is changing, and I want to document something right now. It might be useful.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Speaking of podcasts that you should listen to, do it! Ok, but here's the other thing I want to talk to you about, Scorp. Anyway, when I get rich, which isn't very likely given that I don't work very hard, there will be a round of microscopes for all my loved ones.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): I listened to a podcast created by a home organizer in Cincinnati, and my immediate thought was thank god that's not my life. House organizer, Cincinnati -- the whole thing sounds dismal and makes my life seem pretty damn good because at least it's near mountains and the ocean. But she's so encouraging, and she doesn't seem to judge. Just take it one step at a time, she says. She has no idea what we're dealing with, though.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): I keep thinking about her, my encouraging, tidy, Cincinnati guide. I looked up Cincinatti on Google Earth, and wonder which side of the Ohio River she lives on. Probably the north, because it looks like that's where the people mostly live. Is it flat? How often does the river flood? Do they have good wetland regulations there? (Um, it doesn't look like they have any. Gulp.) And so on. And this, my friends, is why she's a home organizer and I'm not. I spend my time on random stuff and she has a plan and sticks to it. Here's the thing, Cap: I found myself buffing my flat stovetop range with a product that I acquired in 2003, and suddenly felt so vacant and unimportant doing that task that I almost stuck my head right in the oven, the way Sylvia did. Alas, it's electric, so no worries.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): But she told me one thing in Step 1 of house organizing, and I did that and it lasted for a second. Step 1 is to put all the loose papers into a basket. Every single paper. I did that, and then more papers came, and then I misplaced the box for a few days.
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Monday, October 5, 2015
- Why was the radio on in the post office at 7:30 in the morning on a Sunday? Was someone there, or is there a pet that needed soothing, or a squatter?
- What happens at a flag retirement ceremony? There are posters all over town advertising it, bring your tired old flags and we'll put them to rest appropriately. I'm so curious about who will go, what it will be like, and so on. Lullabies? Deep six? Someone go and tell me, please.
- Do Epsom Salts really soothe your aching muscles, and if so, how? This, I believe, can be answered by the internet, but ugh, climbing all the way up to the internets again. How many times a day can I do that?
- Why do I have so much trouble with froth and brushing my teeth all of the sudden? It used to be, brush teeth, no big deal. Now, each time I brush, I later notice a white frothy mustache around my mouth, as if I have rabies. Is it something with my saliva? Or my technique? The toothpaste? Or, as I suspect, is it
- Will we ever stop gun violence, or is it just a thing we'll continue to endure helplessly, like the weather?
- The potato chips that came with my sandwich today expire on Christmas. Duly noted.
- Why don't I know what vermiculite is? Again, sheesh, if I felt like it, I could climb back up to the top of the internet and find out, but I'm all out of breath from #8. But I'm embarrassed to confess that I don't really know what it is. Is it related to mica? Is it bad to harvest it as a substrate for a cricket home?
- I just converted my genetic testing results into medical results and discovered some interesting things. One is that I'm less susceptible to the placebo affect than the average person. The good news is that I have genes that are supposed to make me more empathetic, optimistic, employ sensitive parenting techniques, less likely to have autism, and, best news of all, less likely to get Alzheimer's. (Which seems to confirm that the toothpaste thing is a government plot?). The bad news is that I'm going to die. Eventually. Probably of cancer.
Friday, October 2, 2015
|The great wheel|
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Oh, back to curiosity. Apparently there are two kinds: state, and trait. State is when something piques your interest, and you're in a state of curiousity momentarily. Trait is when you just wake up curious every day. You know who you are, Taurus. Trait is the secret to a long life, they say. I hope that's true!
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): A few weeks ago, I went to the Farmer's Market to buy 3 peaches, because yes, T.S., I do dare. I just wanted enough to put on cereal for a few days. The peach sales lady, if that's an actual job title, said she didn't want to sell the peaches because although the flavor was good, the texture wasn't. She said she'd sell me a whole box for $10. That seemed like a terrific deal, so I bought two boxes. The boxes were filled with gigantic peaches, each one the size of a small planet, which seemed so exciting at first, Gemini. If I could do animations, I could have made a fuzzy solar system in my house, and then made something happen, like a total eclipse of the peach. Oh, Total Eclipse of the Peach. If I could only animate. Be animated this week, Gemini.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): As soon as I brought those peaches home, though, I realized my mistake. It was much like adopting 40 puppies or six infants, because they needed constant attention. Constant. I decided to make fruit leather, because texture doesn't matter. The point of fruit leather is that the texture is, well, like leather. But you have to cook it forever, and turn it over again and again, day in, day out, during the day and into the night. And the whole thing is so sticky. Midway through the project, I remembered that I don't even like fruit leather, but I couldn't remember why. Is it because it bugged me that it's always individually packaged in plastic? Or that it sticks in your teeth? Or, and I think this is it: it's not really food. It's never more than a snack. "What's for dinner?" is never answered with "fruit leather." So, that happened, Cancer. While you were out.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): I am very excited about this app, which makes decisions. You type in the two options (for example, "Do I dare to eat a peach?" or "Should I take a nap?") The app sends a photon to Geneva (I KNOW!). After an exciting little thing happens on your phone, it reveals which universe you're in. Check it out. I spend most of my time in Universe A, where, unfortunately, I'm not taking a nap.
|Can you see the black cat? Yes, strange doings.|
I stopped in the middle of the woods to enjoy the sunset, and a
black cat showed up. I don't think that's a good sign.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): I heard an ad for a video doorbell he other day, and it seemed like, well, how to put this. But someone should have told that person that no one needs a video doorbell. The deal is that you can see who's at your door from wherever you are in the world. Alas, no one knocks at the door anymore. Well, the Jehovah's Witness' come once a year on November 13 (They are nothing if not predictable.) I think the world is going to end before they get to it this year, sadly. But every other person besides the JW has texted, e-mailed, called, been invited. Knocking on the door has gone completely out of style, just like skinny jeans. Phew. Libra, you should feel free to knock on my door, though. You would be welcomed.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): This guy came into the coffee shop last week and was just the happiest man, beaming and saying hello to everyone. It turns out he's a collector of lava lamps. Correlation or causation? Sag, connect to your inner lava lamp. And, connect to this book if you have a moment. It's rather excellent.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): This, from a reliable source: a local logger was hired to bring 20 six-foot long cedar logs to the 17th floor of the Amazon building this week so that the dogs have somewhere to pee. It seems like we're in a strange part history where that could all come together: there are still trees and loggers, and they're within driving distance of a dog population that needs a fake forest in a skyscraper because their people are too busy doing whatever it is you do at Amazon to go outside for a walk. 1500 dogs are registered to go to work at Amazon. This may be occurring in the crack between Universe A and B. It makes me sad that dogs have to work in cubicles and pee inside too. It's bad enough for the humans, but at least they get paid. I'm glad I have a job that involves peeing in the actual woods, but I digress. Cap, be thankful for all your gifts this week: intelligence, creativity, friends and family. Choose joy.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Every single thing we say to our children leads them to understand that they're good enough, or they aren't. Keep that in mind, Aquarius, and let things go as much as possible. Embrace the messiness of a deeply flawed world.
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