Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  All I could think about all day long on Monday was going out after work to look for mushrooms.  I like to think this didn't impair my job performance much, but this isn't about that.  It's about how I longed for that all day, and when I finally, after the work and the chores and the stopping to get my bike and so on finally ended, and I felt like I'd been on some ridiculous oddessy, and yes, I put two "d's" in that word for a reason, but anyway, by the time I was finally ready to go outside, the sky had turned that really weird form of dark that isn't a good sign.  I tried to content myself with fussing about inside, but gave up and went out there anyway.  By then it had started to pour, I mean serious deluge, the kind that, if you're driving, you pull over because there's no actual way that the windshield wipers can keep up.

And I was feeling too denial-ish to wear rain pants.  Within about 2 seconds, I was soaked to the skin, walking across my backyard into the woods, carrying a knife and a plastic bag, and feeling the eyes of my neighbor on me, who was undoubtedly thinking I was crazy and possibly going into the woods to kill or bury something, but seriously, it's mutual.  The point is, yes, I found mushrooms, and yes, it stopped raining, and yes, there was a delicious mushroom stroganoff involved.  It was all completely worth it, so, as cheesy as it sounds, just keep going, Aries, even when it's that weird form of dark.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): I went into Target today to get a baby shower gift, and before I go off on my irritable little tear, let me be clear that I'm very honored to be invited to the baby shower, because it's the parents way of saying something really cool is happening in our lives and we want you to be part of it.  And being part of it is my way of saying hey little baby, I'm excited that you're coming and I want to be on your team, I want to be a gentle presence in the big scary world, and I'll do what I can to make it better in the little ways I can.  Even if being on your team means going to Target, because your thoughtful parents registered there, which is appreciated, because it means that what I purchase is exactly what they need.  I'm a fan of the whole thing.  But for some reason, Target annoys me.  Oh, wait, I remember the reason.  Because it's bright red and full of plastic shit that no one needs.  (Except for the baby, who really does need some of the stuff there.)  And also, about five minutes after my arrival, I overheard a man say to a woman, "Will we be running the dishwasher tonight?"  They were standing in the aisle near the dish soap, and it's not just me, but that's a seriously irritating question, right?   I wanted to stop and talk to them.  "Really?  Is that what you've got to talk about?  Have you forgotten that our lives are finite?"  I can't think of an occasion in the world when the answer to that question would be important.  It just kept going like that the whole time I was in the store.  I'd overhear people saying things like, "So, do you blow dry your hair every day?"  I know.  Anyway, I just feel like Target is a magnet for boringness, and I'm officially going on strike.   Taurus, it's not just me, right?  Please be your usual interesting self and see if it catches on.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): I mentioned to someone that I enjoy singing, and they were all, "Oh, maybe I'll come hear one of your gigs soon!"  I'd like to clarify that just because I enjoy singing doesn't mean that anyone would enjoy hearing me.  My "gigs" primarily take place in the shower and the car.  But my point, Gemini, is we can like things without becoming the "-er" form of that word.  You can like painting without being a painter, enjoying baking without being a baker, and, most importantly, enjoy running without being a runner.  But see if you can take up the -er form of something this week, Gemini. 

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21: We haven't talked much about the Occupy Wall Street movement, and I'd like to say that however disorganized or over-idealistic the occupiers seem to be, at least they believe in something, and it's a pretty good thing too.  They believe, Cancer, in participatory democracy, and they're willing to sleep outside to prove it.  I'm a fan of that, although I'm a bigger fan of sleeping in my bed, which I realize makes me not only irritable, but lame.  So thank you, Occupiers, for caring, and for believing in something bigger than yourselves, and for taking time out of your life to prove it.   And thank you, Cancer, because you do that all the time too.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  The other day, R. and I were making his bed, which seems like one person could do it, but there are so many pillows, not that I'm counting or anything, but after taking three away, eight  remained.  Anyway, after putting on all those pillow cases, R. became fatigued and laid down while I built the bed around him.  When I put the down comforter fresh from the drier on top of him, he commented, "Wow, my life just keeps getting better and better."  Leo, that's what you'll be saying this week.  Enjoy it, and try not to flaunt it, because we aren't all quite so lucky.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):   Speaking of annoying things, I went to Q'doba the other day and they have a special, $5 for some meal platter on Sundays if you dress as a Seahawk.  Really?  Why oh why would anyone want to encourage grownups to dress as over-paid football players?  That's just really bizarre, and I can't understand why corporate America is providing incentives for this kind of thing.  So, Virgo, you were right all along about Q'doba; I should have trusted you.  This week, do stuff without any incentive, the way you usually do. 

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  If you're happy and you know it, Libra, clap your hands.  That's a pretty lame horoscope, wouldn't you say?  But that's what's written in the stars.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  I was reviewing all of the unanswered calls that have come into our workplace, and I saw one marked urgent, something about a new Philly cheese steak and hot dog trailer where they cook on an open flame next to a gas station.  The caller was wondering if that was safe and legal.  It seemed like that shouldn't be the kind of question that just gets logged into a little program that no one ever looks at, so I went around asking people if someone might call back, and most people just asked about the food.  "Are the hot dogs kosher?" they'd ask.  "Is the Philly cheese steak authentic?" Until I asked my boss, who said, "Is there a wetland involved?  No?"  I got his message, which is let it go let it go let it go.  Scorpio, see if there's anything you can let go of this week.  Me, I'm gonna let the gas station blow up.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): The reason that Steve Jobs wore the turtlenecks is because he talked to a Japanese designer, Miyake, about developing a uniform for Apple employees.  Employees didn't really like the idea of wearing a vest all the time (they must not be from Duvall, that's all I can say), so Miyake made Steve 100 black t-shirts.  Why did he wear the shirts?  For the same reason that Hilary climbed Mount Everest.  And that's the same reason you're going through this week.  You really have no other choice.  Enjoy that.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  This morning, I stopped at my favorite local coffee shop on my way to work because it was so much later than usual.  The man ahead of me in line was wearing sandals, shorts and a t-shirt.  "wow, it's like you're from a different climate," I commented, from deep within my long sleeved pants and shirt and fleece jacket.  "In fact, I wish I had a hat."  He laughed, and I browswed the headlines while he finished his transaction and left.  When it came time for me to pay, Ms. Barista told me that shorts guy had paid for my coffee.  That seemed like an excellent way to start the day, so I said I'd like to buy coffee for the next person in line, a woman who had just walked in and taken my spot browsing the headlines.  I used the bathroom, which, let's face it, was my main point in stopping in the first place, and when I came out, my beneficiary (doesn't that sound cool?  I have a beneficiary! For $3!) had walked outside.  Ms. Barista told me she was amazed that I bought her coffee.  By the way she avoided looking at me when I walked past her, I think a better term might have been creeped out.  Capricorn, remember: what one person perceives as kindness, the next person perceives as creepy.  This week, you'll be deluged with people perceiving the kindness that you are.  Enjoy.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I'm working on putting together my emergency kit, because that seems good, right?  So far, I bought one headlamp yesterday and already lost it.  I've also asked E. to come up with some morphine, because I think that could come in handy if things get really bad.  Does that cover it, Aquarius? What else?  No emergencies for you this week, thankfully.  You've got time.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)I've been in a big blogging dry spell, Pisces, and I'm trying to just write anyway, even though I have nothing at all to say, especially when I get down to my favorite Pisces people.  Nothing.  Please forgive me.


  1. Unexpectedly, I know that the philly cheese steak cart seems to be a safe distance from the gas station. That's a whole new twist!

  2. I keep thinking that I ought to learn about and then hunt some mushrooms, it seems like I won't feel like I really belong here in the woods until I do that. But I'm chicken - it's too big a foreign area to tackle. I feel that way about having a talking bird as a pet, too.

  3. Love this! I had to laugh out loud on the thought of the exploding food cart. Don't know why, must be that sick sense of humor.

    But, I do feel sorry for pisces....

  4. Good one(s)! I also seem to lose headlamps the moment I get them.

  5. Your visit to my blog reminded me to check in with you again so I could maybe get a new horoscope. I'm done clapping my hands for a while. So? Well?


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