Horrorscopes

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  My boss has been complaining about a sinus infection, so I asked him if he uses a neti pot.  He said sort of, so I questioned him further.  It turns out, my friends, that rather than a neti pot, he uses a water pik.  I know!  Could this explain some mysteries about my workplace?  Is everything the result of sandblasting the sinus cavity?  Aries, don't let this be you.  Be gentle with your sinuses and the whole rest of yourselves.  It's dark out there.  

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Here's a blog that you should definitely follow, because it's lovely and filling up with beautiful poems written by the blogger.  I don't want to hear any backtalk about how you don't read poetry, because you'll be missing out on this particular delicacy, the well-crafted poem that requires us work just a little tiny bit.  I know.  When you hear, "nature's first green is gold, her hardest hue to hold," your first response is, "why doesn't he just say what he means, fer godssakes."  Yes, Robert Frost could have said, "when the plant first pops out of the ground, it isn't yet capable of photosynthesis, so the new little sprouts are gold, and that pure innocent stage doesn't last long. And that reminds me of how, as we spend more time in this world, we're less innocent."  Surely you see my point.  Beauty and succinctness all rolled into one lovely blog, written by one lovely person.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  I haven't updated this blog in long long time, and each day that I don't, it gets more daunting.  I mentioned it to R. today. 
"Just do it now," he commanded.
"Yeah, but I really don't have much."
"Write about how you're doing the fall things around here, like napping and putting that hokey piece of fabric across the stairs that makes it look like college, and caring inappropriately about the woodpile," he suggested.
"Boring."
"Isn't that your thing?  Aren't you all about boring?"
Yes, I guess it is my thing, so there you go, Gemini.   Let's plan some adventures so that it's not all about the woodpile.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  I was listening to Geek Wire on the radio yesterday, I'm not sure why, because I'm not interested in it.  (Really, does "geek" equal "lurks in the basement playing video games"?  I thought it was cooler than that.) Anyway, they were discussing a free ap called Runpee.com, which tells you the best time to take a bathroom break during the movies.  I have so many questions about that, like who decides, and can you get a gender-based version (would you rather miss the chase scene, or the tender glance?)  If there were such an ap for this blog, I'd suggest the pee break during Gemini this week.  But the moons are in Cancer, and everything is revolving right around you this week. Enjoy your rare moment as the center of the known world.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): I wish I could figure out for sure what the occupiers want, because although I'm a fan, I'm a little disappointed.  I get why they're there.  They're occupying because they're so frustrated by how things have gone down,  how the greed and corruption of a few have wrecked things for millions of hard-working people, or people who would be hard working if only they could only get a job.

But still.  I wish they'd ask for something.  If you're going to go into the crowd and yell "fire," it's helpful to suggest an evacuation route.  I'm sad when I learn that so many occupiers say they won't be voting, because they're above that two-party nonsense.  But I stray from the point, Leo, which is that you won't need an evacuation route this week.  Stay the course.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):   Last week I read an article about someone who instantly unfriends anyone who uses either a smiley face or "LOL" on Facebook.  I'm totally on her side about the LOL, mostly because those people are liars, and who needs that.  But the smiley face?  Five years ago, I would have shot myself if I knew I'd be sprinkling my e-mails with smiley-faces, but now I've come to think of it as helpful, in this hard cold world, to let people know you mean no harm.  The modern day version of the handshake, which I guess started so people would know you weren't carrying a weapon.  In your right hand.  At that moment.  Have a good week, Virgo!  :-)  

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  I read half of a lovely book called, "Everything Beautiful Began After."  There's a part where someone washes the towels for a hospice program, which sounds like a perfect job for me right now, because it involves taking something kind of messy and making it clean and warm and fluffy and well-folded.   I like to think I would excel in that.  So I searched the local hospital job boards under "towel", and nothing came up.  Find some little thing and make it warm and fluffy this week.  Oh, and read this post, because it's excellent, and I wish I'd written it.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  We were discussing my facial recognition disorder the other day, and my daughter, who, let's be honest, probably has the same thing, was all, "No, I don't really have that.  It's just that I grew up thinking that you had to watch a movie several times before you could understand the plot.  It wasn't until college that I realized some people just watch a movie once and know what's going on."  My dear Scorpios, the things you learn in college these days are astonishing!  Learn something amazing this week, and share it right here.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  I am so weary of the privacy concerns about facebook.   I want to post things on the internet, and then get outraged if they aren't private?  Really?  And while I'm at it, what's the deal on people who post something that ends with, "If you care, you'll repost this as your status."  Why would we want to live in a world like that?  Imagine if you were at a party, and someone said something and then suggested that everyone in the room also say that same thing.  That's not a good party to be at.  Sag, the stars are all aligned for you to be extremely interesting this week.  Encourage others who aren't so well endowed in this department. 

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): I've become a weird form of stalker where I read an interesting comment on an article, and then read all of that person's other comments, and then search them out on other websites.  I'll read a comment on Gawker, and then look for the commenter on Slate and Salon, just to see if I can predict what they'll read, and what they'll have to say about it.  It's more fun than an Easter egg hunt, if you can believe it.  Imagine the rush you get when you notice a pattern, like twodrinksavant only comments on the 27th and 28th of a month!  Pay attention to detail, Capricorn, but don't go overboard. 

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  I have a son who calls everything that's vaguely unfamiliar "porridge".  As in, "Yummy porridge, Mom."  "Um, this is lentil soup, R."  "Yeah, anyway, really good porridge." There's a simplicity to this approach that will make your week better, Aquarius.  Don't get too bogged down with the facts; just know what you know and don't get too tangled up by new information.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  A few weeks ago while C. and I were getting trained to be the certified sex educators that we are now, C. gave me a condom with the optimistic prophesy that I might have occasion to use it before it expires in 2014.  I tucked the festive little packet, with it's picture of a sombrero, titled "Mr. Happy's Hat", into a pocket of my coat, where it remained, until that fateful day that I reached into that very pocket for a tissue, and out dropped Mr. Happy's Hat.  The graceful applicant stooped down, picked it up, and handed it back to me, pretending he didn't notice what it was, even though it was pretty damn obvious.  Pisces, be that person this week.  Super cool and gracious. Ignore stuff, if that's what it takes.

Comments

  1. Thanks for my horoscope, off to make something warm and fluffy now.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I feel just a slightly insulted that everyone is running off for a potty break during "Gemini". Are wood piles and naps not enough for them? They really should have thought about using the restroom *before* the blog started.

    Also, the new app you are creating should probably give tips about "when not to take a big mouthful of coffee"....such as during the 5th line of "Libra". THAT would be helpful.

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  3. Hmm...this week so far I learned that there is more of a statistical correlation between Israeli prisoners being reviewed by a parole board getting freed after a meal break and not getting freed before a meal break when the officers are hungry than there is a correlation between stock brokers being successful from one year to the next. That makes the impact of facial recognition disorders pale in significance, I'm pretty sure....

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  4. Delores, thank you, let me know how it works out. And Beth, dear, just think of it as having a little privacy to read while the others run off to the bathroom.
    Marisa, I knew I could count on you for some revealing information. Have a snack and let someone go.
    Murr, you can for sure stop clapping and put those hands on the keyboard to create another awesome post.

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  5. So enjoying my moment as center of the known world. Actually this is from Oct 31, so perhaps I missed the moment? Let's pretend it is now!

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