Monday, October 31, 2011

Horrorscopes

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  My boss has been complaining about a sinus infection, so I asked him if he uses a neti pot.  He said sort of, so I questioned him further.  It turns out, my friends, that rather than a neti pot, he uses a water pik.  I know!  Could this explain some mysteries about my workplace?  Is everything the result of sandblasting the sinus cavity?  Aries, don't let this be you.  Be gentle with your sinuses and the whole rest of yourselves.  It's dark out there.  

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Here's a blog that you should definitely follow, because it's lovely and filling up with beautiful poems written by the blogger.  I don't want to hear any backtalk about how you don't read poetry, because you'll be missing out on this particular delicacy, the well-crafted poem that requires us work just a little tiny bit.  I know.  When you hear, "nature's first green is gold, her hardest hue to hold," your first response is, "why doesn't he just say what he means, fer godssakes."  Yes, Robert Frost could have said, "when the plant first pops out of the ground, it isn't yet capable of photosynthesis, so the new little sprouts are gold, and that pure innocent stage doesn't last long. And that reminds me of how, as we spend more time in this world, we're less innocent."  Surely you see my point.  Beauty and succinctness all rolled into one lovely blog, written by one lovely person.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  I haven't updated this blog in long long time, and each day that I don't, it gets more daunting.  I mentioned it to R. today. 
"Just do it now," he commanded.
"Yeah, but I really don't have much."
"Write about how you're doing the fall things around here, like napping and putting that hokey piece of fabric across the stairs that makes it look like college, and caring inappropriately about the woodpile," he suggested.
"Boring."
"Isn't that your thing?  Aren't you all about boring?"
Yes, I guess it is my thing, so there you go, Gemini.   Let's plan some adventures so that it's not all about the woodpile.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  I was listening to Geek Wire on the radio yesterday, I'm not sure why, because I'm not interested in it.  (Really, does "geek" equal "lurks in the basement playing video games"?  I thought it was cooler than that.) Anyway, they were discussing a free ap called Runpee.com, which tells you the best time to take a bathroom break during the movies.  I have so many questions about that, like who decides, and can you get a gender-based version (would you rather miss the chase scene, or the tender glance?)  If there were such an ap for this blog, I'd suggest the pee break during Gemini this week.  But the moons are in Cancer, and everything is revolving right around you this week. Enjoy your rare moment as the center of the known world.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): I wish I could figure out for sure what the occupiers want, because although I'm a fan, I'm a little disappointed.  I get why they're there.  They're occupying because they're so frustrated by how things have gone down,  how the greed and corruption of a few have wrecked things for millions of hard-working people, or people who would be hard working if only they could only get a job.

But still.  I wish they'd ask for something.  If you're going to go into the crowd and yell "fire," it's helpful to suggest an evacuation route.  I'm sad when I learn that so many occupiers say they won't be voting, because they're above that two-party nonsense.  But I stray from the point, Leo, which is that you won't need an evacuation route this week.  Stay the course.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):   Last week I read an article about someone who instantly unfriends anyone who uses either a smiley face or "LOL" on Facebook.  I'm totally on her side about the LOL, mostly because those people are liars, and who needs that.  But the smiley face?  Five years ago, I would have shot myself if I knew I'd be sprinkling my e-mails with smiley-faces, but now I've come to think of it as helpful, in this hard cold world, to let people know you mean no harm.  The modern day version of the handshake, which I guess started so people would know you weren't carrying a weapon.  In your right hand.  At that moment.  Have a good week, Virgo!  :-)  

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  I read half of a lovely book called, "Everything Beautiful Began After."  There's a part where someone washes the towels for a hospice program, which sounds like a perfect job for me right now, because it involves taking something kind of messy and making it clean and warm and fluffy and well-folded.   I like to think I would excel in that.  So I searched the local hospital job boards under "towel", and nothing came up.  Find some little thing and make it warm and fluffy this week.  Oh, and read this post, because it's excellent, and I wish I'd written it.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  We were discussing my facial recognition disorder the other day, and my daughter, who, let's be honest, probably has the same thing, was all, "No, I don't really have that.  It's just that I grew up thinking that you had to watch a movie several times before you could understand the plot.  It wasn't until college that I realized some people just watch a movie once and know what's going on."  My dear Scorpios, the things you learn in college these days are astonishing!  Learn something amazing this week, and share it right here.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  I am so weary of the privacy concerns about facebook.   I want to post things on the internet, and then get outraged if they aren't private?  Really?  And while I'm at it, what's the deal on people who post something that ends with, "If you care, you'll repost this as your status."  Why would we want to live in a world like that?  Imagine if you were at a party, and someone said something and then suggested that everyone in the room also say that same thing.  That's not a good party to be at.  Sag, the stars are all aligned for you to be extremely interesting this week.  Encourage others who aren't so well endowed in this department. 

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): I've become a weird form of stalker where I read an interesting comment on an article, and then read all of that person's other comments, and then search them out on other websites.  I'll read a comment on Gawker, and then look for the commenter on Slate and Salon, just to see if I can predict what they'll read, and what they'll have to say about it.  It's more fun than an Easter egg hunt, if you can believe it.  Imagine the rush you get when you notice a pattern, like twodrinksavant only comments on the 27th and 28th of a month!  Pay attention to detail, Capricorn, but don't go overboard. 

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  I have a son who calls everything that's vaguely unfamiliar "porridge".  As in, "Yummy porridge, Mom."  "Um, this is lentil soup, R."  "Yeah, anyway, really good porridge." There's a simplicity to this approach that will make your week better, Aquarius.  Don't get too bogged down with the facts; just know what you know and don't get too tangled up by new information.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  A few weeks ago while C. and I were getting trained to be the certified sex educators that we are now, C. gave me a condom with the optimistic prophesy that I might have occasion to use it before it expires in 2014.  I tucked the festive little packet, with it's picture of a sombrero, titled "Mr. Happy's Hat", into a pocket of my coat, where it remained, until that fateful day that I reached into that very pocket for a tissue, and out dropped Mr. Happy's Hat.  The graceful applicant stooped down, picked it up, and handed it back to me, pretending he didn't notice what it was, even though it was pretty damn obvious.  Pisces, be that person this week.  Super cool and gracious. Ignore stuff, if that's what it takes.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

'Scopes

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  All I could think about all day long on Monday was going out after work to look for mushrooms.  I like to think this didn't impair my job performance much, but this isn't about that.  It's about how I longed for that all day, and when I finally, after the work and the chores and the stopping to get my bike and so on finally ended, and I felt like I'd been on some ridiculous oddessy, and yes, I put two "d's" in that word for a reason, but anyway, by the time I was finally ready to go outside, the sky had turned that really weird form of dark that isn't a good sign.  I tried to content myself with fussing about inside, but gave up and went out there anyway.  By then it had started to pour, I mean serious deluge, the kind that, if you're driving, you pull over because there's no actual way that the windshield wipers can keep up.

And I was feeling too denial-ish to wear rain pants.  Within about 2 seconds, I was soaked to the skin, walking across my backyard into the woods, carrying a knife and a plastic bag, and feeling the eyes of my neighbor on me, who was undoubtedly thinking I was crazy and possibly going into the woods to kill or bury something, but seriously, it's mutual.  The point is, yes, I found mushrooms, and yes, it stopped raining, and yes, there was a delicious mushroom stroganoff involved.  It was all completely worth it, so, as cheesy as it sounds, just keep going, Aries, even when it's that weird form of dark.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): I went into Target today to get a baby shower gift, and before I go off on my irritable little tear, let me be clear that I'm very honored to be invited to the baby shower, because it's the parents way of saying something really cool is happening in our lives and we want you to be part of it.  And being part of it is my way of saying hey little baby, I'm excited that you're coming and I want to be on your team, I want to be a gentle presence in the big scary world, and I'll do what I can to make it better in the little ways I can.  Even if being on your team means going to Target, because your thoughtful parents registered there, which is appreciated, because it means that what I purchase is exactly what they need.  I'm a fan of the whole thing.  But for some reason, Target annoys me.  Oh, wait, I remember the reason.  Because it's bright red and full of plastic shit that no one needs.  (Except for the baby, who really does need some of the stuff there.)  And also, about five minutes after my arrival, I overheard a man say to a woman, "Will we be running the dishwasher tonight?"  They were standing in the aisle near the dish soap, and it's not just me, but that's a seriously irritating question, right?   I wanted to stop and talk to them.  "Really?  Is that what you've got to talk about?  Have you forgotten that our lives are finite?"  I can't think of an occasion in the world when the answer to that question would be important.  It just kept going like that the whole time I was in the store.  I'd overhear people saying things like, "So, do you blow dry your hair every day?"  I know.  Anyway, I just feel like Target is a magnet for boringness, and I'm officially going on strike.   Taurus, it's not just me, right?  Please be your usual interesting self and see if it catches on.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): I mentioned to someone that I enjoy singing, and they were all, "Oh, maybe I'll come hear one of your gigs soon!"  I'd like to clarify that just because I enjoy singing doesn't mean that anyone would enjoy hearing me.  My "gigs" primarily take place in the shower and the car.  But my point, Gemini, is we can like things without becoming the "-er" form of that word.  You can like painting without being a painter, enjoying baking without being a baker, and, most importantly, enjoy running without being a runner.  But see if you can take up the -er form of something this week, Gemini. 

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21: We haven't talked much about the Occupy Wall Street movement, and I'd like to say that however disorganized or over-idealistic the occupiers seem to be, at least they believe in something, and it's a pretty good thing too.  They believe, Cancer, in participatory democracy, and they're willing to sleep outside to prove it.  I'm a fan of that, although I'm a bigger fan of sleeping in my bed, which I realize makes me not only irritable, but lame.  So thank you, Occupiers, for caring, and for believing in something bigger than yourselves, and for taking time out of your life to prove it.   And thank you, Cancer, because you do that all the time too.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  The other day, R. and I were making his bed, which seems like one person could do it, but there are so many pillows, not that I'm counting or anything, but after taking three away, eight  remained.  Anyway, after putting on all those pillow cases, R. became fatigued and laid down while I built the bed around him.  When I put the down comforter fresh from the drier on top of him, he commented, "Wow, my life just keeps getting better and better."  Leo, that's what you'll be saying this week.  Enjoy it, and try not to flaunt it, because we aren't all quite so lucky.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):   Speaking of annoying things, I went to Q'doba the other day and they have a special, $5 for some meal platter on Sundays if you dress as a Seahawk.  Really?  Why oh why would anyone want to encourage grownups to dress as over-paid football players?  That's just really bizarre, and I can't understand why corporate America is providing incentives for this kind of thing.  So, Virgo, you were right all along about Q'doba; I should have trusted you.  This week, do stuff without any incentive, the way you usually do. 

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  If you're happy and you know it, Libra, clap your hands.  That's a pretty lame horoscope, wouldn't you say?  But that's what's written in the stars.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  I was reviewing all of the unanswered calls that have come into our workplace, and I saw one marked urgent, something about a new Philly cheese steak and hot dog trailer where they cook on an open flame next to a gas station.  The caller was wondering if that was safe and legal.  It seemed like that shouldn't be the kind of question that just gets logged into a little program that no one ever looks at, so I went around asking people if someone might call back, and most people just asked about the food.  "Are the hot dogs kosher?" they'd ask.  "Is the Philly cheese steak authentic?" Until I asked my boss, who said, "Is there a wetland involved?  No?"  I got his message, which is let it go let it go let it go.  Scorpio, see if there's anything you can let go of this week.  Me, I'm gonna let the gas station blow up.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): The reason that Steve Jobs wore the turtlenecks is because he talked to a Japanese designer, Miyake, about developing a uniform for Apple employees.  Employees didn't really like the idea of wearing a vest all the time (they must not be from Duvall, that's all I can say), so Miyake made Steve 100 black t-shirts.  Why did he wear the shirts?  For the same reason that Hilary climbed Mount Everest.  And that's the same reason you're going through this week.  You really have no other choice.  Enjoy that.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  This morning, I stopped at my favorite local coffee shop on my way to work because it was so much later than usual.  The man ahead of me in line was wearing sandals, shorts and a t-shirt.  "wow, it's like you're from a different climate," I commented, from deep within my long sleeved pants and shirt and fleece jacket.  "In fact, I wish I had a hat."  He laughed, and I browswed the headlines while he finished his transaction and left.  When it came time for me to pay, Ms. Barista told me that shorts guy had paid for my coffee.  That seemed like an excellent way to start the day, so I said I'd like to buy coffee for the next person in line, a woman who had just walked in and taken my spot browsing the headlines.  I used the bathroom, which, let's face it, was my main point in stopping in the first place, and when I came out, my beneficiary (doesn't that sound cool?  I have a beneficiary! For $3!) had walked outside.  Ms. Barista told me she was amazed that I bought her coffee.  By the way she avoided looking at me when I walked past her, I think a better term might have been creeped out.  Capricorn, remember: what one person perceives as kindness, the next person perceives as creepy.  This week, you'll be deluged with people perceiving the kindness that you are.  Enjoy.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I'm working on putting together my emergency kit, because that seems good, right?  So far, I bought one headlamp yesterday and already lost it.  I've also asked E. to come up with some morphine, because I think that could come in handy if things get really bad.  Does that cover it, Aquarius? What else?  No emergencies for you this week, thankfully.  You've got time.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)I've been in a big blogging dry spell, Pisces, and I'm trying to just write anyway, even though I have nothing at all to say, especially when I get down to my favorite Pisces people.  Nothing.  Please forgive me.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

How to keep kids off drugs

Dear N'3lvra,

I want to know more about Huevos Rancheros. Are they a good prophylactic for all forms of drug abuse, or just sniffing glue and paint? Please advise, and quickly.

Sincerely,
Worried but Hopeful

Dear Worried but Hopeful,

First, I'd like to commend you on your correct usage of the word, "hopeful".  It's good to use it correctly, and even better to be it.

Once, when I was a young child on a long drive home from a long day of skiing, my dad started doing this thing where he formed a fist, held it up to his mouth, and started blowing into the tube created by his rounded fingers.
"Why are you doing that?" I asked.  
"To stay awake."
"How does that keep you awake?"
"Well," he responded, "have you ever seen someone doing this in their sleep?"
It's basically the same thing with Huevos Rancheros, but it's so much easier to lure teens with food than with the suggestion that they blow into their fist.

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