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Showing posts from July, 2011

Horoscopes by the elements

AIR:   The other day I was driving on the freeway and an object came rolling down the road; it turned out to be an LP.  Remember those?  33.3?  Anyway, it got me to wondering  if there are still people in the world with dial up connections.  Really?  Like, that screetchy sound of dial-up could also hurtle towards the windshield?  Anyway, things from the past, present, and future are all be swirling around out there like confetti.  Grab onto something and make it the present.

WATER: The whole financial world is in the hands of a few un-compromising whack-jobs who believe they are on a mission from god, and they're pretty sure that the great one in the sky won't let anything bad happen to These United States.  I wish these people start texting pictures of their groin around, but then again, uggh.  That's quite possibly the only thing that can save us now, Water.  See what you can do.

EARTH:  We all get this chunk of granite called our life, and chisel away at it, learning how …

Not a whacko Kumbaya rant

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I’ve been trying to write horoscopes for a few days, well, not very hard, but a little bit.  I’m just so frustrated and annoyed about the stupid angry debt ceiling debate, if you can even call it a debate when one side is reasonable and willing to listen and give a little, and the other side is all about taking their marbles and going home.  Can you call that a debate, or is it bullying?

The horoscopes were like, “Aries:  Jesus, Boehner is a jerk, right?  Taurus:  I’m serious.  That guy shouldn’t even have a job."

I decided I should be more direct with my rant, and not infuse it into fakey horoscopes.  I had that idea earlier this evening on my way to yoga, and now, I get home with the plan to write this little rant, but first, I crack open an ESB.  I try to read the little saying on the bottle cap, but it’s all fuzzy, because there’s plastic goo covering the words.  I can barely tell that words are under there, and for a second I think I’m going blind, but then realize, no, I’m on…

Slowly but eventually

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  I thought I'd try a new idea this week, which is to write little notes all week long so I don't just sit down to write thinking, umm, umm...  And nothing comes, while the sand is sifting through the hour glass, and the mind is blank blank blank.  So I ended up with a bunch of scraps of paper with things like, "Soup.  Root beer store.  Slutty waitress."  Sadly, Aries, that's your horoscope.  I have no idea what it means, but that's sometimes the way it is with horoscopes.  They're mysterious.  But the sand is constantly sliding through the hourglass; try to enjoy every single grain.  (I was going to do that thing of putting a period after every word, as in, "Every.  Single.  Grain.  but I think that might be getting a little over-used, don't you?)

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  How embarrassing is it that Michelle Bachmann signed that marriage vow thing about how, um, I hate to even repeat it here, but it seemed to suggest that Africa…

Nickname advice

Dear Courtney,

I am a fervent follower of Betsy’s blog. I especially enjoy the nicknames for all of her friends. I wish I were one of her friends and had a nickname. If I were, what would my nickname be?

Signed,

doesn’t-have-a-nick-name-to-sign-with

Dear Bird Trainer-Lady,

First, thanks for writing.  I'm glad you've got problems, and I mean that in the fondest, most helpful way possible, because otherwise, I'd get no letters.  Ever.  Second, of course you're her friend.  Duh.  In fact, you should probably hit her up to go crabbing, not because that's all she seems to think about these days, but because it would be fun.  It may be time to leave all that vegetarian nonsense behind,  get to the beach and gather food.  Hard times may be a'comin'.

The bigger reason I'd like to congratulate you for writing, though, is your solid understanding that you can't give yourself a nickname.  Have you ever been around that guy who's all, "Hey, guys, my name …

Metacarcinus magister

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Yesterday, R. came home from wherever he was at about noon.  “Hey, anybody home?”

“Yeah, I’m just getting up from a nap,” I reply.

“A nap? Seriously?  It’s barely noon.”

“I’ve had a big day.”

“Already?”

“I know!” I say proudly.   “I took the lawnmower in to be fixed.”  Which doesn’t sound like much, but it didn’t just start yesterday.  It started three months ago, when there was that part, remember, when the grass was growing madly, but time off and a break in the rain never coincided?  And when they finally did come together, the grass was a foot tall.  I could start the lawnmower, but the part that makes it go forward, and we’ll call that the drive shaft, whether or not it really is that, has been disconnected because a mouse chewed through the cable. I ignore the problem for a while and just push the lawnmower, essentially replacing the drive shaft with me, but it’s a ton of work, and I’m not really that excited about spending my time on the planet that way.  But sometimes it’s ea…

The long way around

This morning, while I was helping a guy in the permit center, a man who had that baby-faced look of a 30-year old who can’t quite grow a beard, N texts me, “Going for coffee. Now.”

To my credit, I didn’t just get up in the middle of helping Baby Face to go have coffee.  Pretty good customer service for the government, wouldn’t you say?  While we were talking, I overhead an employee asking a man who was on crutches what had happened.  And what I thought he said is, “Kidney failure.”

I look at the guy I’m helping, and say, “Did he just say ‘kidney failure?  Because I had no idea that crutches would be involved.”

He looks at me like I’m just a tiny bit crazy.  He thinks he heard the guy say something about an Achilles heel injury, which makes more sense, but it’s not at all what I heard.  Baby Face looks scared, like shit, I’m supposed to take land buying advice from someone who thinks there might possibly be an instance of kidney failure that would warrant crutches?

He does that thing…

Lucky day

The other day I went to the little grocery store in town to get a very expensive Kombucha wonder drink with its own live scobie, and decided that as long as I’m throwing money around, I should also buy a lottery ticket.

There are many choices – mega millions, Hit 5, lotto, powerball, yada yada.  I don't do this very often, so I'm unfamiliar with the choices.  “Do you have any advice for me,” I ask the young lady with the pierced lip.

“Yeah.  Don’t buy one.”

“Hmm, but I think I will.”

“Why, are you feeling lucky?”

“No, not really. But there is luck out there, I know that for sure.”  I know that because of this:  the other day, R. went to Value Village with a friend who had just started collecting unicorn figurines. While they were looking for clothes, she noticed a few mis-matched  unicorns arranged in a circle on a shelf, all their tiny glass horns pointed towards the middle. 

“Seems odd that they’re in a little circle, doesn’t it, R?”

“Yep.”

She bought the miniature herd, an…

Coming soon.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):   So his whole thing about Strauss-Kahn is very strange and annoying, because here are some facts:  one person is a rich and powerful married white man, 62.  The other person is an immigrant chambermaid in her thirties.  There was definite evidence of a sexual encounter. Um, would that ever be mutual?  And is it just me, or are we still in the business of discrediting the rape victm?  Seriously, one person has a royal flush in their hand, and the other has like, a two of spades and a seven of diamonds.  Anyway, Aries, the world isn't fair, but the deck does get shuffled every now and again.  See what you can do this week with the cards already in your hand.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):   You know that inexplicable feeling of, hmm, something doesn't quite add up here?  Last week, R. and I got onto a  plane and I got an odd vibe from the flight attendant.  I lean over to R.  "Transgender?"  "Oh, that's it!," he replies.  "I knew it was s…