Coming soon.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):   So his whole thing about Strauss-Kahn is very strange and annoying, because here are some facts:  one person is a rich and powerful married white man, 62.  The other person is an immigrant chambermaid in her thirties.  There was definite evidence of a sexual encounter. Um, would that ever be mutual?  And is it just me, or are we still in the business of discrediting the rape victm?  Seriously, one person has a royal flush in their hand, and the other has like, a two of spades and a seven of diamonds.  Anyway, Aries, the world isn't fair, but the deck does get shuffled every now and again.  See what you can do this week with the cards already in your hand.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):   You know that inexplicable feeling of, hmm, something doesn't quite add up here?  Last week, R. and I got onto a  plane and I got an odd vibe from the flight attendant.  I lean over to R.  "Transgender?"  "Oh, that's it!," he replies.  "I knew it was something."  A few minutes later, she asked the man across the aisle to either tuck his luggage under the seat or put it overhead.  He did a little muttering under his breath as she walked away, and the flight attendant spun around and marched back toward him.  "WHAT?  What did you say?" She started shouting, in a seriously angry voice.  Even before she went on the big tear over the intercom about someone moving about the cabin when the fasten seat belt sign was turned on, R. looked at me, like, "suspicion confirmed."  Women just don't tend to be so, "You wanna make something of it?!" when stuff goes wrong; we tend to be more the 'slip poison in the drink' kind of angry.  I hate to break it to you, but you'll have some of that "something is not right" feeling this week.   Trust your instincts.  Don't move about the cabin too much; there's gonna be some turbulence.  Don't drink what you didn't pour.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  I think its possible, some might even say probable, that you'll meet the living Buddha this week.  This person will be shorter than the average for the species, and full of pure generosity and goodness. When that happens, show up fully, as if to a fine meal, knife and fork in hand, napkin on lap, ready to fully engage.  Oh, but wait, call me first.  The beginning of your week will feel like you're slowly pushing a ball gently up hill, but after the short guy arrives, it will be like dancing on a spring day when you're 12.  Savor it.  In fact, just behave that way around all short people.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  I had this idea that I should make more friends, so I answered a friend ad on CL.  When I told B. about it, he was all,  "Huh?  Don't. Do. That!"

"What, what's so wrong with making new friends?"

"What's wrong with it," he responded, "is this:  if you're dating someone, you can get out of it by saying, 'we should just be friends,' but if you're friends and it isn't working out, there's absolutely no way out.  You're stuck with that person forever.  What are you gonna say, 'we should just coexist on different parts of the planet but never interact again?"

I wasn't fully convinced, but then he said, "What if she has huge bingo wings and just wants to go shopping all the time?"  I saw his point.  Then I remembered that the sad fact, Cancer, is that I don't see enough of the friends that I have!  Make that stop, wouldja?

Here goes your horoscope, and it's not gonna be pretty:  I see a trip in your future, but it's not exactly a vacation.  It will look like a vacation in some ways, because there will be air travel and time off from work, but it will be more like a brief and horrible glimpse into a time machine, going both backwards and forwards.  Bring provisions.  There is sweetness there, if you can squint just right.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Do you ever get to that point where your blog hasn't been updated in forever, and it makes you feel like your next post should be excellent, as if you were actually working on something all this time, but you weren't, you were just procrastinating and noticing that each thing you type is annoying and has no business sticking it's thumb out on the information highway?  Yeah, me too.  This week, write.  Write anyways.  Write when it's hard, boring, sad, irritating, tedious.  Just keep at it.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): The fountain of youth has been discovered!  Ponce de Leon had it wrong, it's not in Florida, but on Easter Island.  This amazes me in two ways:  that I summoned Ponce de Leon from my memory, which might be the first sign of Alzheimers, when you recall elementary school facts more readily than what you did yesterday?  The second way is, duh, of course.  Lots of cool and weird stuff is bound to happen on Easter Island.  This week, live as if you're on Easter Island.  Fountain of Youth, giant stone faces in the hillside, lemming-like population curve, the whole thing. 

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  Oh Libra.  Shoot, another week like that other one.  You know the one I mean.  Make the best of it.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21) I had this dream last night in which my Other Sister was going to pay me $12,000 a month for the rest of the year, but I had to agree to put her message on my answering machine about all of the mitzvah's she's doing.  I woke up, at first thinking, hmm, I think I'd rather have Carl Kassel's voice on my machine, and then thinking wow, I'm so glad MLK's dream made more sense, and was so much grander, less greedy.  Picture if that speech went, "I have a dream.  And in it, there was this chicken, but it wasn't really a chicken at all, it was sort of a ladybug, but with a radio implant.  But I had to get to the other side, so I put on these giant floaty shoes...."  His dream was so cool.  Anyway, Scorpio, you'll have some grand dreams this week yourself.  Act on them.  (Mostly.)

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  Weird things in the news this week.  That body that floated in the public pool for 2 days before being found (I know!  Picture all the kids playing Marco Polo in that murky water laden with dead person.)  And the baboon that escaped from a Six Flags theme park and romped around NJ for three days before being captured.  Your week will be nothing like that.  Nothing at all.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  It's killing me that the two women who may or may not run for president are just so . . . um, weird.  Seriously, out of 300,000,000 people, half of whom are women, that's the best we can summon?  Okay, I know this may seem out of the blue, but have you considered running for president?  Maybe not this time, but after Barack is done.  I'll drive the bus.  Seriously, I'm quite a good driver. 

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  Here's how it goes:  You're hiking on a narrow trail, snacking on a Cliff bar, and you offer a bite to your hiking companion.  An on-coming hiker passes, staring at the Cliff bar hungrily, so you jokingly say, "would you like a bite?"  And he answers, "no thanks."  Everyone walks in their opposite directions for 10 seconds, and then he turns and says, "Taking a bite would be just like kissing!"  Which seems very creepy, right?  This week, be especially generous, but be careful who you offer snacks to. 

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  So I check Google Trends to see what everyone's wondering about, and its Equatorial Guinea.  I'm thinking, wait, isn't that IMF guy's maid from there, and yay, everyone is worrying about her.  But its really about women's soccer.  Don't you hate that, Aquarius, when you think the topic is one thing, and you maybe even add a pithy comment or two, but really, the topic is a whole 'nother thing altogether, and everyone just looks at you that way?  Yeah, well, Aquarius, look right back at them, as if, sheesh, keep up already.