Boroscopes

The horoscopes, a day early or a week late, depending on if you're the moving on sort, or more the clinging to the past type. (And you know who you are.)  I find that writing after lying around for a week is much like cooking without ingredients, so hopefully soon I'll go into the world where material abounds.  In the meantime, have a splendid week..

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  I was in a shoe store last week, where I overheard an annoying customer asking way too many questions, including "How much do feet swell when you travel to another country?"  The salesman didn't miss a beat, and replied, "Depends on the country."  He kept walking with his tall pile of shoe boxes, and she seemed satisfied.  You'll encounter lots of questions this week, unanswerable, tedious questions, like, "What if there were no houses?" (We'd build some.)  "What if we built houses?"  (Then we'd have some.)  "Then what?"  (GRRR.) If you look at it, this shoe guy was brilliant in both answering the question and turning it back to the questioner, as if he could answer, but she didn't provide enough information.  That's a good strategy, try it this week.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  It's your birthday?  That's lovely, you'll have a 2 in your age for quite some time.  This year promises to be excellent, because now you know how it's done.  Don't ever forget.  Always spring for the Wi-fi when you get stuck in NJ, btw.  Or Cleavland.  Spare no expense in maintaining a  path to the real world.  (File that with the other rule, "Never buy your coffee from a box.")

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):   I'm drawing a blank here, so I consulted Resident Badass, who said, "Just write something funny, then you're golden."  Then he said I should start with a question, so I will.  Why is the genre always horror?  

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): How lame is the 25th anniversary issue of Spin?  "100 moments that rocked our world?"  Example:  "#28:  Spin names Teenage Fanclub's 'Bandwagonesque' 1991's best album".   Um, that's a moment?  And they rocked their own world?  Seems like they just had nothing to write about, which I can completely relate to, but sheesh.  But my research lead me to re-listen to The Zombies, the last of the British Invaders, which made me quite happy and if you didn't have dialup (speaking of lame), I'd suggest it to you too.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  I hate to announce it, but it's gonna be a hard week ahead.  Lot's of driving, too much family, stress stress stress.  Save time to have coffee with me.  Is everyone googling Bret Michaels, and you don't even know who he is?  I know!  And then you look him up, and it turns out he's the lead singer for a glam metal band, but he looks like a country star, so you have to go listen, and you listen to Poison Songs, Show Me Your Hits, and you're like, huh?  This isn't even normal, the range from screamo metal to country on one album.  Something is seriously wrong.  Humph, you say.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Does it seem strange that your mother and my daughter have the same name?  Coincidence?  I don't think so.  My question for you, dear Virgos, is this:  when will they get a handle on that oil spill?  When will they at least figure out how much, how quickly it's spewing poison into the ocean?  70,000 gallons per day, or 5,000? 

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Been layin' around all week and have nothing to write?  That, sadly or not, depending on how you look at it, is about to change. What's up with the missing iPhone?  It can't be as bad as some other problems people have, can it?  Like the problem of being bored and housebound, but having a cough that sounds like disease-resistant tuberculosis, making it awkward to go out.  That's a real problem.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Scope this out, will ya?  It might be busy though, because it was written up in the NYT, so maybe this would be better?

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  When I think of you Saggitarians, I think badass.  But here's the puzzler:  why are so many people in Alaska googling "thesaurus"?  I know.  Look at the chart, there's a tiny blip, but it's pretty steady.   Compare to Bret Michaels in Seattle, which has an actual curve to it.  It's like the people in AK are all just, "hmm, what's another word, um, um,"  That doesn't even show up on any other states top 10, btw.  (Don't make fun of me for knowing that.  I know I need to get out more.)

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  Try this, and let me know how it goes.  I'm just wondering if you're part of the problem, or part of the solution.  Have you been infiltrated, and you're part of a vast army of mind-controlled computers?

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Use the rest of those berries in your freezer to make a pie.  Then come over here, where the water temperature is 64 degrees an I may actually get in and need a piece of pie to warm up.  And, if you're free, come to Sasquatch with R. and me.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Seems like your friends are too lame to fully embrace Eudora Welty night.  That's wrong.  Ms. Welty was all about avoiding sentimentality, but a little of that is a good thing, right?  Go ahead and plant a garden after all.  It'll make you happy all summer, especially if you surround it with sweet peas.