Say you want a resolution...

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Have you ever seen those new hand dryers in the bathroom? You know the old loud kind, where you’d put your hands under there for a while, and then eventually wipe them on your pants? Well the new kind is even louder, but they totally dry your hands, like a carwash. Seriously, beads of water flow uphill, and then just disappear. Find one of those things and try it out.
They’re really cool.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): I’m thinking of having a little science fair. Help me think up some experiments. Oh, and back to you: grow your hair, or wear a hat. The most deadly form of melanoma is found on the scalp, and that’s a fact.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Did you read about Carmen Herrera, who suddenly became a famous artist at age 94? Seriously! Don’t give up! You have years and years ahead of you. She’s winning all kinds of awards. This year, just stay focused on your art, every. single. day.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21: The first part of this year is going to be a little rough, so just stay right on your little yoga mat, thinking good things, and limiting your thoughts to the tiny bits of the world that you have control of. Exhale, and look for peace in the things right within reach.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Tried those chocolate jo jo’s from Trader Joe’s? They’re really good. See if you can cross that off the list this year. Oh, no TJ’s in the east? Dammit.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Have you ever been in a bar when someone comes up to your table and starts doing magic tricks? Are you supposed to tip? What if you don’t really even notice the glasses moving, which is the whole trick? And everyone is all, “wow!” and you realize you spaced out for a minute and didn’t see the glasses move? At any rate, figure that out, will ya?

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Sure, start a freaky little science fair, if you must. It seems like you’re low on ideas, so I kinda have a bad feeling about this, but go ahead.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Have you even heard of the Soudan Mine before last week? Visitors can go down 2,300 feet into the shaft where they, yes, hang on, discovered dark matter! I know! It seems weird to me. The whole thing, this underground tourism, and actually finding dark matter in a dark cave, and so on. Reminds me of that cave guy; he died pretty young, didn’t he? Had nothing to do with his cave research, or so they say. At any rate, see if you can visit the Soudan Mine this year.

Sagitarius (11/22 – 12/21): He’s gonna send out Hippowdon soon. Yup, level 54 happens. See if you can get a legendary golom. Look up from bulbapedia once in a while, though. There’s a whole world out there.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): The blue moon happens this week, right in Capricorn. That, my friend, is an excellent omen for the new year. Two freaky bright moons in one month. Wear a hat. And possibly a fake nose.


Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Does it bug you how many bad blogs there are out there? Seriously, I wake up and find I’m reading about a couple in the Midwest who were in the middle of trying to lose, and I’m telling the truth here, a quarter of a ton when one gets some bad mysterious disease and the other has to go to drug rehab, but eats her way out of it. It’s so sad, and the posts are so sporadic. For obvious reasons.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Write write write. Don’t stop, even when you’re sick of it. Don’t take on too much this year, just be gentle with yourself and expect the same of everyone else.

Each night...

It’s a religious holiday, and I wonder if I’m religious. I don’t seem to have the capacity to believe anything that science can’t prove. I don’t believe that Jesus was the son of god; I don’t believe in god. Maybe I’m wrong about all that, who knows. Maybe I don’t believe because I’ve been incredibly lucky and haven’t had to, so far.

When M. came back from Sierra Leone, she told me that the mothers and fathers believe that for the first few weeks (or was it months?) after birth, a baby is really still the property of god, who may decide to take the baby back at any time. I can imagine how comforting that would be in a land where 15 percent of infants die before their first birthday.

So it’s really not my point to foist my beliefs on you, but rather to share this one: as a Unitarian, at Christmas I celebrate that each night that a child is born is a holy night. That every child is born full of wonder and hope, and changes the world in unimaginably good ways, and if we’re lucky enough to have children in our lives, we should cherish them, expect good things from them, and let them become exactly who they are.

Merry Christmas, and thanks for making this blog experiment so fun.

Chaos

Yesterday I decided to really start getting ready for Christmas. Generate a few more ideas, settle on a list, and begin shopping. But first, on my way to work, JJ the G called, and I did a little u-turn and met him for coffee at the crack of dawn, which was an excellent way to begin the day, especially when he told me about the part in Julie & Julia where the woman is all excited because she got her first comment on her blog, and it turns out to be from her mother, something like, "Why are you still doing this stupid thing?" That could be me.



At work we had our annual White Trash Christmas lunch at a nearby casino, where I won $28.50 playing blackjack. It must sound like my work is all about these freaky parties with lutefisk and gambling, but there's lots of unmentionable boring parts in between. The origin of WTX: one year, maybe a decade ago, G. & I were doing field work the day before Christmas and saw a man exiting a casino by himself. It seemed really sad, and we imagined this whole story behind it that we re-enact each year, much like a live nativity only completely different.

The rules are that you have to eat meat, and you have to gamble at least a dollar. So, while buying one pull tab satisfies the rule, there’s something that cracks me up about playing cards in a casino, which I’ve only done twice now. People act all Humphrey Bogart-y, using subtle hand motions for this and that, and being super serious. But when you look around, you’re just in Tukwila in a small fakey casino designed to look like NYC in the dark.

I decided to stop at the drugstore on my way home, because I could surely get some stocking stuffers there. Which I did, and I was even semi-efficient at it, until I got to checking out, where the woman asked, “So, are you all done with your shopping?”

I froze for a moment because I wasn’t sure what to do. Should I lie to her and say, “yup, this is it, all done,” or should I tell the truth, that I was just getting started? I must have looked deer in the headlights-y or something, because she just said, “Yeah, me neither. See, I don’t have any money til Wednesday, but I work from 10 – 6 that day, and the bank won’t even be open, and I’ve gotta’ get something for the potluck. I had to get a payday loan to pay the rent, and I’m going to have to set aside enough for bus fare…”

I was drawn in, because she just started talking to me as if I already knew about the potluck, and the bus, and so on. You know how people do that? They don't introduce the topic, like, "I've been invited to a potluck...", but rather they just mention it as if you already know what they're talking about?

All of her problems seemed so big, but I thought we could at least figure out what she should bring to the potluck. She said she was assigned to bring a main dish, but she wouldn’t have time to make anything. There were all these logistical issues about when the potluck is, and the bus, and the carrying something hot, and the money, and it all seemed overwhelming. I suggested she could maybe buy a brownie mix at the drug store and make that, which she thought was a super idea except for that she’d been assigned to bring a main dish.

I was really annoyed at these people hosting the potluck, I don’t even know who they are, but fer chrissakes, it’s a potluck, you don’t freakin’ assign things. You just say bring something if you’re able. And certainly these people, whoever they are, must surely know that her life is complicated.

At any rate, that whole brainstorming session with her took maybe 20 minutes, and by the time I left I think we were on good enough terms to be FB friends or something. It left me a little exhausted; all of her problems had started swirling in my brain like a miniature tornado. I considered suggesting that she take $5 and go to the casino, never take a card on 16 or above, or 14 if the dealer is showing a 5, but I didn't.

It was still going okay, though, because I had been so ultra-speedy in the store up to that point that I decided to walk over to the knitting store. For an idea. About Christmas. In 3 days.

The woman in the store asked if she could help, and she looked literally almost stricken when I told her I was thinking of making a few things for Christmas gifts. She did that thing of backing away, maintaining eye-contact all the while, like people are supposed to do with dangerous animals. I know! But her look did cause me to move away from the un-spun wool; it probably was a bad idea to spin yarn and then make the item. So I bought things for two little projects, one of which needs to be mailed. Across the country.

I got home to find that most of the Christmas cookies I had made to give away to neighbors and friends had been consumed by the teenage boys. The two who were still present were pretty sure it had been the third, not-present boy who had done most of the eating. I decided to just laugh about it because I so do not want to be some bitter cookie hoarder. But I will confess here that it took conscious effort on my part, because I spent ALL FREAKIN’ DAY on Saturday making 6 kinds of cookies, to give away to Other People, but the day had been rather fun because M. & E. were helping and making me laugh and so on.

That’s where I’m at. I’m pretty sure I used to be not so ADD-ish. I still need a few more ideas and a bunch more time, but tonight I’m taking a lovely group of teenagers to Seattle to feed homeless people and see Christmas ships and such. For some reason, every time I see the Christmas ships, I get all choked up. I know. It is so ridiculous, because I’m not really that into Christmas, and the ships aren’t that pretty, and so on. But the word “ship” gets me. Like, here’s this ship full of good cheer going out on some important sweet mission of Christmas. Ship is such an solid word. But the other part is all the little boats that dress up in lights and follow it around, like, “Hey Christmas ship, we’ve got you covered, if anything happens.” It is very sweet.

Alas, my main obsession right now is this blog, for some sorry reason, because I should be knitting, and baking cookies, and coming up with a list so that my loved ones feel as loved as they are.

chill, Garrison

Garrison Keillor was rather hard on the Unitarians recently, name-calling due to an ever-so-slightly revised version of the hymn, “Silent Night”, which Garrison says, “is more about the silence and night and not so much about God.” Um, right, I can see why you’d get pretty worked up about that! [In the second chorus, rather than sing, “Christ the savior is born”, the Unitarians have re-used the lyrics from the first verse, and sing, “Sleep in heavenly peace”. For some reason, this change provoked a nasty tirade about how Unitarians are arrogant, unlovable people. He says, “If you don't believe Jesus was God, OK, go write your own damn "Silent Night" and leave ours alone. This is spiritual piracy and cultural elitism, and we Christians have stood for it long enough.”

There’s been a ton of response to this already – people agreeing, disagreeing, and making excellent points all around. But all I want to say is sheesh, Garrison, lighten up. Is that really the kind of guy you want to be, the kind of guy who has a freakin’ cow about people coming together in a spirit of wonder to sing a pretty song? With slightly changed lyrics. Is that what Lutherans are all about? Because that’s the kind of bullshit that gives religion a bad name. I liked it better when I thought Lutherans were about bringing covered dishes to their sick or grieving neighbors, and housing the homeless. Oh, and cutting down all the trees in Ballard so it looks like the homeland. Do you see me making a big deal about that, Garrison?

Coming up...

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Jupiter is in Aquarius. I know! Need I say more? The implications are pretty clear, but in case you forgot your glasses, be especially kind to your people this week, stay off the internet, eat lots of cookies.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You do have cats. Am I jealous? Maybe just a little. But I have rats in the attic, does that count for anything? I know, and I'm going up there in a few minutes to check on things. Do you know anyone with problems? khortnee@gmail.com is super lonely, if you have any advice needs.


Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): It’s so not your fault. Everyone else should just step up a little, don’t you think? If everyone were like you, the world would run a little bit smoother. But there’s this freaky holiday tradition in my little town, a sort of live nativity with actual animals and so on (there’s a dispute amongst us about whether it’s a camel or an alpaca, but at any rate, you get the idea: plastic babies, the last supper, etc.) There’s also a teenager strapped to a cross. Bloody palms, long white gown. For hours. In the rain. Don’t be that guy, is all I’m sayin’.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): Take a little trip to the iTunes store and buy some new songs. You may like The Be Good Tanyas. Maybe spend a little time on Pandora first to get some new ideas.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Do you ever watch that t.v. show, “Lost”? Isn’t it complicated? Do you have trouble keeping track of what’s going on? I’m always all, “wait, is this the future or the past? Is Ben that creepy in real life? Is Sawyer good or bad? Wait, is that one of the others, or am I supposed to know them?” And so on. Well, anyway, your week might be a little like that. Write stuff down. Everyone’s gonna be coming and going a lot, and they will all want to drive your car.


Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Is it the coolest thing ever that they might have found Atlantis? I can hardly sleep at night. You should go; you’re halfway there already. The river is coming up, btw. Hurry home.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Enjoy having all of your people close for a change. There is no shame, as you know, in purchasing some gifts for yourself, wrapping them, and putting them under the tree. Do that if you want anything good.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Did you read that article in this months’ Playboy Magazine about the guy who made all the stuff up about the code orange alerts and stuff? Totally made it up, and airports were shutting down. The suspicious package contained a stuffed snowman. But back to you. This is a good week to snooze a lot, take to your bed with a good book. Unplug the computer for a while. (I do read it, just for the articles. And don't worry, the link will take you to NPR, no nudity involved.)


Sagitarius (11/22 – 12/21): You should totally get a job. Have you ever been to Costco? Don’t work there. Here’s the weird thing about that place: On the aisle near the bathroom, there’s a vending machine. Um, right, I’ve just walked through this store full of enough food to feed a large few cities for a week, purchased all kinds of things by the gross, snacked incessantly on the free samples, but on my way to the bathroom, yes, I need to purchase 6 peanut butter crackers for a dollar.


Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You should play that game with your young people where every time you say something, they have to reply with one of three things: “that’s ridiculous!, I can’t believe you said that!” or “quit nagging!” or “wow, you look exhausted.” It’s surprisingly fun, and may lead somewhere unexpectedly good. They will eventually tire of it, and start being a little nicer to you.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You have been wondering if you can sit still long enough to watch Avatar. I don’t think so. Boy report on that movie: totally cool, tons of action. Girl report on that movie: pretty plants, botanically interesting. Knit, knit, knit, before it’s too late.


Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You should watch that movie, but do it on a rainy afternoon. Keep being extra good to yourself, and make everyone around you do it too! Don’t start thinking of new year’s resolutions; we’ll handle that here next week. Don’t worry, we’ll keep it very simple.

thumbs neutral

Dear N'3lvra,
Hubby and I will be attending a neighbor's holiday party, folks we may have met once or never, we don't remember.  Astonishingly, we BOTH want to go equally much, AND that "much" is at a sort of neutral, thumbs-horizontal level.  I am at a loss how to explain to myself how this unusual-for-us convergence has come about.  Could it be something to do with the phase of the moon?  Or are we getting onto the same (and apparently apathetic) wavelength after yearzzzzzz of rabid straining in the opposite direction?  Should I read ANYTHING into this?
Signed,
Anne Awnimis


Dear Annie (may I call you that?),
Hmm, is agreeing on thumbs-neutral the way you want to go with this thing, after all these years? Order out for some vanilla ice cream? Microwave cream of wheat in the morning? I don’t think so. This strange turn of events is nothing to celebrate.

Khortnee doesn’t have much experience with relationships, but it does seem like rabid straining would be way more fun than apathy. Could it be that one of you is just doing this to improve your agreeability cred, so that next time you want your way, you can be all, “Hey, remember that time when I was thumbs neutral on going to the neighbors house that we don’t know for free snacks and drinks? Remember? See, I’m not so very difficult, I am really quite easy to live with. Just this once, I should get my way.” Could that be it?

Yours,
Kortknee

P.S. Don't even bother following that agreeability cred link. I just stuck it in there to demonstrate that Courtney does actual research on each issue. It's pretty complicated.

(Regarding phases of the moon, check back tomorrow.)

Reptile Man

So back to the boring thing at the coffee shop. (I know! One of my favorite readers suggested, in the kindest way possible, that I stop writing about being boring, but, well, they always say to write what you know… ) So these two men at the next table, maybe about 50 years old-ish, were talking about their pets.

At first it seemed like an actual conversation, and like they were talking about dogs. But upon closer inspection, it turned out that one person was doing all of the talking, and the other person was doing all the head nodding and all the saying “uh huh”. Which was fine for a while, especially when it seemed like the one guy was talking about a dog. Saying things like, “He was a little shy when I first rescued him, but he got used me. But then the little guy took a good bite out of me, went clear to the bone, ripped the flesh pretty good. [Don’t you hate it when people say pretty good for things that are really not good at all?] He was just teaching me a lesson, I guess.”

Okay, so I kept listening because that just seems freaky, like, don’t they euthanize dogs that do that? And it wasn’t just me; I could see that C., whom I was sitting with and was so happy to see because it had been a while, had also stopped writing and was giving me the look, that look of, OMG, did you hear that? A little bit horrified, and also, a little bit “We're rich! There’s material falling all over the place!” That’s the look she was giving me.

As I listened further, I realized that his pet is actually a monitor lizard. Yes, in case you’re not up to speed on your reptiles, this is the group that includes the komodo dragon, which is the sort of reptile that took a bite out of Sharon Stone’s husband’s foot (that's hard to say aloud, Sharon Stone's husband's foot, although for a few days, people were saying it a lot.) But anyway, remember how she arranged that special birthday outing for him, a trip into the cage of a komodo dragon, and his feet looked like white mice or something? I’m thinking most men married to Sharon Stone would be hoping for other sorts of birthday surprises, but, well, anyway, back to the story. Did I already mention how this guy carried a small photo album with pictures of his lizards? Yes, more than one lizard. Maybe it’s just me, but I really don’t know any guys who carry photo albums around at all. When I thought it was pictures of a dog, it seemed kind of freaky-sweet, but I dunno. With just the lizards, I am inclined to drop the “sweet”.

So this guy keeps talking on and on, monologue-ish, causing me to be struck by one thing: there are people on the planet that can take the most amazing, strange story, and suck the life out of it until you wish they’d just stop.

What happened to this guy is what happens in all stories: a stranger came to town. But this stranger was a 7-foot long predatory, carnivorous reptile that roams free in this man's house with the other lizards (iguanas and such), and it took a chunk out of his arm. That’s a reasonable start on a story, I’d say. I’d definitely turn the page.

But he just mentioned that in passing, and then went on and on about the different types of lizards, and their habitat requirements, and did that repetitive thing too. “You’ve gotta keep a spot with a lamp for them, keep that at about a hundred degrees, but everywhere doesn’t need to get that warm. They eat lettuce too, like, can you picture a chef’s salad, the size of it? And he does a motion: right hand flat, palm up as if holding a plate, and left hand moves in a semi-circle arc over the upturned palm to indicate a big salad. The other guy had been basically silent for many minutes, but when the salad came up, saw an inroad, and said, “Oh, I would like a big chef’s salad like that!” But lizard man stole the conversation back, “The iguana is pretty well mannered, she almost uses the pool area like a little toilet, she’ll poop in there. Monitor lizards ,though, they’re meat eaters. There’s 30 or 40 kinds of iguana, (followed by a list of them.) The listener interrupts, and says, um, yeah, I don’t really know about that, I’ve just seen them in the zoo.”

But the guy keeps going, “theres the spiny tailed iguana, and the ….Yeah, and like I said, you’ve gotta have a warm spot, a hundred degrees for them.  But you gotta watch out, certain times of year they get aggressive. It’s almost like they go into a blackout, they’ll start clawing you to pieces"  Yes. he actually said that, but quickly looped back to the bit about the warm spot. Who would do that?


I’m just wondering if people are trying to be boring? Because it just seems wrong, to have all that material, and then just basically piss all over it. I am not for it, all this boring-ness, possibly because it hits a little close to home.  If I had a lizard taking large chunks of my flesh out, and exposing the bone, you can be sure this blog would be way more exciting, and I would  definitely not write a list of types of lizards.  Sheesh.  I may actually have to get a dangerous pet just for the material.

Speaking of boring, as I've mentioned, I've become increasingly concerned that, well, yes, that I AM boring.  So I picked one of my favorite very boring colleagues, and we've been competing lately, asking everyone, "hey, who's more boring, me or him?"  And sadly, I'm losing.  Unless you count the janitor, who, when we asked, started fumbling for a quarter and something about needing to go buy a coke.  I'm pretty sure he meant that I'm less boring, but that's as close as I got to winning.

The reason it's so sad can be summed up in this example of the person who is less boring than me.  His day, yesterday:  get up at 3:00 a.m.  For no particular reason.  Arrive at work by 6.  Work.  Go to the gym at lunch.  Wednesday, legs day, focus on strengthening the legs.  Work in the afternoon.  Go to gym after work.  Home, and in bed by 8.  Oh, and let me point out that this was his birthday, during which he spent a great deal of time wandering around saying, "you guys should do that thing where you pass around a card for me and everyone puts money in it. Did anyone get that going?"  Yes, this is the competition, and I'm losing.  (Thursday, in case you're wondering, is arms day.)