Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): You do have cats. Am I jealous? Maybe just a little. But I have rats in the attic, does that count for anything? I know, and I'm going up there in a few minutes to check on things. Do you know anyone with problems? email@example.com is super lonely, if you have any advice needs.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): It’s so not your fault. Everyone else should just step up a little, don’t you think? If everyone were like you, the world would run a little bit smoother. But there’s this freaky holiday tradition in my little town, a sort of live nativity with actual animals and so on (there’s a dispute amongst us about whether it’s a camel or an alpaca, but at any rate, you get the idea: plastic babies, the last supper, etc.) There’s also a teenager strapped to a cross. Bloody palms, long white gown. For hours. In the rain. Don’t be that guy, is all I’m sayin’.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): Take a little trip to the iTunes store and buy some new songs. You may like The Be Good Tanyas. Maybe spend a little time on Pandora first to get some new ideas.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Do you ever watch that t.v. show, “Lost”? Isn’t it complicated? Do you have trouble keeping track of what’s going on? I’m always all, “wait, is this the future or the past? Is Ben that creepy in real life? Is Sawyer good or bad? Wait, is that one of the others, or am I supposed to know them?” And so on. Well, anyway, your week might be a little like that. Write stuff down. Everyone’s gonna be coming and going a lot, and they will all want to drive your car.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Is it the coolest thing ever that they might have found Atlantis? I can hardly sleep at night. You should go; you’re halfway there already. The river is coming up, btw. Hurry home.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Enjoy having all of your people close for a change. There is no shame, as you know, in purchasing some gifts for yourself, wrapping them, and putting them under the tree. Do that if you want anything good.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Did you read that article in this months’ Playboy Magazine about the guy who made all the stuff up about the code orange alerts and stuff? Totally made it up, and airports were shutting down. The suspicious package contained a stuffed snowman. But back to you. This is a good week to snooze a lot, take to your bed with a good book. Unplug the computer for a while. (I do read it, just for the articles. And don't worry, the link will take you to NPR, no nudity involved.)
Sagitarius (11/22 – 12/21): You should totally get a job. Have you ever been to Costco? Don’t work there. Here’s the weird thing about that place: On the aisle near the bathroom, there’s a vending machine. Um, right, I’ve just walked through this store full of enough food to feed a large few cities for a week, purchased all kinds of things by the gross, snacked incessantly on the free samples, but on my way to the bathroom, yes, I need to purchase 6 peanut butter crackers for a dollar.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): You should play that game with your young people where every time you say something, they have to reply with one of three things: “that’s ridiculous!, I can’t believe you said that!” or “quit nagging!” or “wow, you look exhausted.” It’s surprisingly fun, and may lead somewhere unexpectedly good. They will eventually tire of it, and start being a little nicer to you.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You have been wondering if you can sit still long enough to watch Avatar. I don’t think so. Boy report on that movie: totally cool, tons of action. Girl report on that movie: pretty plants, botanically interesting. Knit, knit, knit, before it’s too late.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You should watch that movie, but do it on a rainy afternoon. Keep being extra good to yourself, and make everyone around you do it too! Don’t start thinking of new year’s resolutions; we’ll handle that here next week. Don’t worry, we’ll keep it very simple.