Say you want a resolution...

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): Have you ever seen those new hand dryers in the bathroom? You know the old loud kind, where you’d put your hands under there for a while, and then eventually wipe them on your pants? Well the new kind is even louder, but they totally dry your hands, like a carwash. Seriously, beads of water flow uphill, and then just disappear. Find one of those things and try it out.
They’re really cool.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): I’m thinking of having a little science fair. Help me think up some experiments. Oh, and back to you: grow your hair, or wear a hat. The most deadly form of melanoma is found on the scalp, and that’s a fact.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Did you read about Carmen Herrera, who suddenly became a famous artist at age 94? Seriously! Don’t give up! You have years and years ahead of you. She’s winning all kinds of awards. This year, just stay focused on your art, every. single. day.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21: The first part of this year is going to be a little rough, so just stay right on your little yoga mat, thinking good things, and limiting your thoughts to the tiny bits of the world that you have control of. Exhale, and look for peace in the things right within reach.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Tried those chocolate jo jo’s from Trader Joe’s? They’re really good. See if you can cross that off the list this year. Oh, no TJ’s in the east? Dammit.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Have you ever been in a bar when someone comes up to your table and starts doing magic tricks? Are you supposed to tip? What if you don’t really even notice the glasses moving, which is the whole trick? And everyone is all, “wow!” and you realize you spaced out for a minute and didn’t see the glasses move? At any rate, figure that out, will ya?

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Sure, start a freaky little science fair, if you must. It seems like you’re low on ideas, so I kinda have a bad feeling about this, but go ahead.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Have you even heard of the Soudan Mine before last week? Visitors can go down 2,300 feet into the shaft where they, yes, hang on, discovered dark matter! I know! It seems weird to me. The whole thing, this underground tourism, and actually finding dark matter in a dark cave, and so on. Reminds me of that cave guy; he died pretty young, didn’t he? Had nothing to do with his cave research, or so they say. At any rate, see if you can visit the Soudan Mine this year.

Sagitarius (11/22 – 12/21): He’s gonna send out Hippowdon soon. Yup, level 54 happens. See if you can get a legendary golom. Look up from bulbapedia once in a while, though. There’s a whole world out there.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): The blue moon happens this week, right in Capricorn. That, my friend, is an excellent omen for the new year. Two freaky bright moons in one month. Wear a hat. And possibly a fake nose.


Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Does it bug you how many bad blogs there are out there? Seriously, I wake up and find I’m reading about a couple in the Midwest who were in the middle of trying to lose, and I’m telling the truth here, a quarter of a ton when one gets some bad mysterious disease and the other has to go to drug rehab, but eats her way out of it. It’s so sad, and the posts are so sporadic. For obvious reasons.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Write write write. Don’t stop, even when you’re sick of it. Don’t take on too much this year, just be gentle with yourself and expect the same of everyone else.