Problem #1: The hero's journey

Well, it doesn't seem right to wait all the way until Tuesday when people have actual real problems.  So, here goes.

Dear Fake Astrologer,

I'm trying to make plane reservations for next summer for my daughters and myself and the SITE WON'T LET ME. I'm talking about significant money here. We're going to the UK. The site just says nuh-uh, try later or try a different type of skill, like juggling. I don't like juggling or hacky-sack either, even though I went to Evergreen-go goeducks!

Or call the 800 number and you know how that is. About 30 minutes of horrible crackling 'music' until you hit the 'end' button. Then you look for travel agents who can help you but it's after 5PM!!! And anyway, who uses travel agents? Old people? People who want to go on a cruise?

So Honorable Seer of Fortunes-what gives?? Is it a message that I should forget it and visit Whidbey island instead? Or I need to do some sort of penance before the spirits will permit me to spend a small fortune on plane tickets?

On another note, I might be going on sort-of a date this Saturday with someone I know sort-of. I will be needing to consult with you about the er, issues with this person. People can change, right?

Now you're curious, huh?


NOT A HACKYSACKER, but still, a Geoduck.

Dear Not a Hacky-Sacker,

This is such a ubiquitous problem, my friend.  If Joseph Campbell were alive today he'd be writing a book called, "The Hassle with a Thousand Faces."  I mention Joseph because you're a Greener, and I don't think anyone has gotten out of there without a minor in Joseph Campbell.  For those readers who went to real colleges with grades and stuff, and maybe didn't get the full exposure to Joseph that some of us enjoyed, here's the basic deal, the one plot line that we all live, over and over, from Wikipedia:
hero [You] ventures forth from the world of common day [your regular life] into a region of supernatural wonder [phone hell]: fabulous forces [crackly music] are there encountered and a decisive victory is won [!!Yay!!]: the hero comes back from this mysterious adventure with the power to bestow boons on his fellow man [and woman!].
I think what this means is that although the world is full of miniature and grandiose hassles, you'll return from your mysterious journey, that of being placed on hold with horrible crackly music, with gifts!  To bestow!  To make the world a better place!  I, for one, can hardly wait.  I think you're in the valley of the ashes now, sweetie, but be patient.  

You've come to exactly the right place.  I'm reading your tarot cards right now, and I'm getting something.  (I mean, I'm shuffling.  Yes, that's it, I'm shuffling!)  Now I'm laying out the cards.  OMG!!!!  Something good is coming up!  The cards, they look good!

This is a time of wonder, a time of hope.  A time of new beginnings.  A time of listening to crappy crackly music while on hold.  A time to do alternate nostril breathing.  You remain optimistic in spite of the hassle-y business about the website and the plane tickets and the UK.  But more to the point:  are you going to Stonehenge?  If you do, bring one of those land xray things so you can see all the little bodies down below, sort of a miniature pompeii.

A Date?!!  You must write again.  Because although dating isn't something I participate in, I used to and I do know that where there's dating, there are problems, and where there are problems, there's a need for advice or horoscopes or fortunes.  



  1. Remind me not to ask you for travel, love advice...maybe.

    1. ok, now that's two things I need to remind you: don't ever live with me, or take my travel advice. I'm on it. :-)

  2. Alternate nostril breathing. I'm trying, but it is really difficult.

    1. It's better than you think, Jono! (does the first syllable rhyme with John or Joe?) Keep trying!

  3. Gifts! Like a golden fleece? Or winged sandals? Or a Rubics Cube? Or (wait for it) a miniature creche with made with mice including a baby mouse in the manger???

    My strength has been renewed and I am ready to plunge ahead, or would that be forging ahead or plowing ahead or stumbling over large-ish rocks and getting a lot of mud on my shoes.

    As for the -----date------it might be a 'let our dogs meet and we'll freeze our fingers off on the beach' kind of experience. I'll keep you posted.

    Your trusted fellow adventurer

    1. Yes, a golden fleece!! I know!
      Ok, keep me TOTALLY posted. (different from postal, fer sure.)

    2. You had me at "baby mouse in a manger" Beth Coyote. But I feel it important to warn you of commenting on your own non-hackysacking problem while using your "real" name. You just broke the first rule of the witness protection program. Don't blow your cover. What kind of fake advice column do you think we are running here anyway?

    3. BB, I'm glad you're keeping the humans safe! And, Dr. C, remember, the Witness Protection Program begins at home.

  4. I've never gotten the crappy crackly kind of music when I'm on hold, only the crappy loud, depressing or maniacally happy, trilling piano stuff and did I mention it's always LOUD. Everyone must think everyone else is deaf.

    Er, I mean, great advice!

    1. I think the deafness is going around, actually, and the cause is that people forget to use their inside voice!


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