What happens in Vegas....

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  My little M. and I are perhaps the last people on earth who haven't been to Las Vegas, so it's probably weird to write about it, like, um, yeah, we knew that, we've all been there.  Like a post about Christmas.  "And then people SHOP.  A lot!  And bring a tree inside!!"  But I had no idea.  I can't even find words.  All I keep thinking is, my sister must never come here; she would be so over-stimulated she would be throwing up within minutes.  

M. and I were wishing R. were here because he'd totally know what to do with this place, and he'd make us laugh, not that we aren't, but it would be funnier with someone who wasn't quite so busy taming the voices that say, FLIGHT FLIGHT FLIGHT."  Aries, quiet those screaming flight voices in your world this week.  Yours or someone elses.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Speaking of flight... on the plane yesterday, I was trying to do a complicated knitting thing because I could.  Knitting is super boring unless you're either 100% distracted or the project is complicated enough to take all your focus.  But still, as far as string tricks go, it's a good one:  fuss with a ball of string and poof, a hat!  So I have this complicated thing I'm trying to do and it's all P1 K3 YO K2B PS3B, blah blah blah, and it repeats every 10 rows, and I keep mucking it up and when I do, I have to start at the VERY beginning just to figure out where I am.  Oh, I'm at the beginning, I tell myself.  (In so many ways, but that's not the point here.)  

So I'm trying to create a cool leafy habitat out of string, and count and focus.  But at random unpredictable intervals, the woman next to me asks a boring question, basically, route talk.
Me: (in my head: K1, KSP1, YO - wait, is that the row I'm on?)
Her:  So, what are you going to do in Vegas?
Me:  Oh, just a quick vacation. You?
Her:  Same.  Coming from Juneau.
Silence. so I go back to it, Sl1, P2B, K2,P2tog, etc.
Her:  How's the weather been in Seattle this year?

I won't bore you by typing it out the 16 times it happened, but eventually, I decided sheesh, stop knitting and listen to this woman!  DUH.  Because if we're going to die in a plane crash in a few minutes, why not at least get to know one another first?  That's what I always say.  

So I put my knitting away and tried to talk and it was the strangest thing, we still just had this one sentence deep, totally boring conversation, and I was totally giving it my all.  I mean, I was asking questions, trying to think of interesting stuff, and it was pretty much like, "Yup, penny slots."

Taurus?  Don't try to do anything too complicated this week.  It just won't work out.  

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): At the car rental place, the guy behind the desk was all, "So, first time in Vegas?"  Which didn't bother me at all, in fact, I'm kind of sad in a way that I've lost my Vegas Virginity.  (What, tevas and socks isn't a look you see here much?, I wanted to ask.) But then he said, "So, you're here for the slots, aren't you?”  And proceeds to give us tips on how we shouldn’t drop more than $50, but if we’re gambling we’ll get drinks for free, like Zombies and Margaritas, so even if we don’t win, we’ll come out ahead. 

Sheesh.  I don’t know if I was more insulted by the slots or the girly drinks.  Really, I wanted to say, if we were here for gambling, which we’re not, it would absolutely NOT be just dropping coins in a slot.  We’d be doing something complicated, maybe counting cards, maybe a heist. Oceans 100.  “Perhaps,” I wanted to say, “my adorable daughter and I are renting this big-ass shiny red SUV because we are up to no good.”  Why don't people suspect that?  Gemini, pie day.  Enjoy.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21)  So also on the plane, in the seat directly in front of me, is some seahawks guy, which is like a religion in Seattle, and his shirt, instead of saying 12 was like, 11.  And everyone was fawning over him and his name meant absolutely nothing to me, but we get off the plane after that terrible part where you think it's all over and you all stand up and wait for like another 3 hours while everyone gets their stuff from the overhead bins.  Right?  WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH THAT?  But anyway, when we're all finally off, he stops and does like, I dunno, a dozen or maybe a hundred pushups while people watch.  Except me.  I was NOT watching.  Gemini, your week will be filled with metaphorical pushups.  Do a few real ones just to remember that we're all here right now, it's not so terrible.  (Well, it sort of is, but sheesh, we can still do pushups!)

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  So we stop at this grocery store, and sort of forget where we are, because it feels like any discount grocery store anywhere.  In fact, it feels strangely like Monroe, WA. I glance at the bananas as we’re selecting other produce, but I don’t make a move towards them, because I know, though we’ve never talked about it, that it would go against M’s moral code to eat food that’s so not local or sustainable and I don’t want to be the one who leads her astray.  But she notices my look, and walks over and grabs 2 bananas, and says, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.”  
I know, car rental guy.  We are not who you think.  Leo, step out a little bit this week.  Have a banana.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):  Driving down the strip, I thought I might actually have a seizure, there were so many flashing lights, and I also constantly thought I was under arrest, because flashing lights from behind, isn’t that what it means?  To the point where I think M. thought I maybe have some weird criminal history.  But we both tried to get in the spirit, and watch giant tv screens that are placed on the sides of huge flashing skyscapers, and look at the nude-ish women.  And we were following a red convertible with the top down, and the woman pasenger kept holding her phone out and taking selfies, and I thought, oh sweetie, your arm isn't long enough to explain this whole situation in a picture.  But she was also taking pics of the other side of the camera, and it just made me kind of sad, like, someone taking a picture of the Milky Way with an iPhone, and coming home with a picture of three stars.  It was so mystifying.  But your week, Virgo, will be mystifying in just the right way!  Enjoy it.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):     We eventually made it to our room, which, though I like to think we’re not naïve, they do make it complicated.  Like, if your room was the twelfth room on the fifth floor, for example, I would call that “812”.  But here, they distribute zeros randomly, making it 08012, so it’s more like a zip code.  We get on the elevator that serves our range of floors, and press 8 because it’s our floor, and happens to be the top floor in the range.  And one guy on the elevator says, “oh, thank god.  I was on here earlier, and people kept getting on pushing like, 3, and 5.”  And another guy says, “I hear ya, man.”

And I’m thinking, really?  This is a problem?  A 2 second stop at a floor that’s not your own?  Where could you possibly be going in such a hurry?

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): We get to our room and I see that look in M's eyes, like, “May we never have to go out there again.”  But I prod us to go down and have a drink, just to experience the full thing, and it’s vast, looking up at the starry night and you’re just one tiny person.  Which, when it's the sky is strangely comforting.  Look, I can only do what I can do, try to understand, try to do the right thing, but obviously, I'm tiny, and how could I?  But I probably can't mess up too badly either.  That's what the sky is like.

This is like slot machines, and it looks like we have messed up, and badly, and all the water that should be going to Mexico is going here, and the jobs that follow the water are custodial.  

We each order whisky, M. rocks, me neat, and they give her like a whole bucket full of ice instead of the three she prefers, and it costs about a thousand dollars, and I feel bad because she’s bought this drink for me, and by the way, she tips generously.  Of course she does.  And we sit in the lobby and sip our whisky I think how lucky I am to have this kindred little person with me in the big vast world.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  Did I mention about the smells here?  Our rental car has this distinct odor of axe body spray and weed.  I spent a while trying to figure out if those smells overlap in the real world, and I don't think so.  Do you, Sag?  Wish you were here.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Every so often you have a person in your life who's so unique, the connection seems so rare and important that you wonder what its about, and if it's in your head or in the world.  It's confusing but you try to enjoy it while you can.  And life goes on, the truth has it's own life to live, erodes its own path, and the humans have very little ability to control that.  

Did you ever see that little spot in the alley where the water drips, right across from the gum wall; it's a very tiny drip.  I haven't actually timed it (sheesh, who would do that!), but I'm guessing maybe one drop per 12 seconds, possibly 14.5.  Some days when I walk by, I don't actually see a drop.  But it's made a pretty big dent in the concrete.  Have a good week, Cap.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  So E-bro gave me this really cool blue trackball that looks like a very small crystal ball, and I was so planning to bring it with me and maybe tell fortunes.  But alas, I forgot.  And, what looked so shiny and magical in Duvall, well, I don't even think it would be visible here.  Aquarius, be visible, but not in a shiny way.  In your usual magical mystical way.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) To the desert today.  Thank goodness.  (What does that mean, anyway? Thank goodness?  Really?)  Speaking of language, is it the lamest thing ever that "za" has become acceptible shorthand for pizza?  GRRR.   Again, my dear Pisces, you've been short changed, but I will totally make up for it soon.  Because we're on our way to Area 51.  Oh, and that woman next to me?  Bud light with a shot of crown royal in it.  Right?  But she just ordered it, "Bud and crown" and the flight attendant couldn't hear, or maybe, like me, she couldn't believe it.  But let's not think about her anymore, on her 7 day vacation here to do the penny slots.  By herself. 

And today, the desert.


  1. My friend, who's a Gemini, went to Vegas for the first time, with a friend, to see Streisand. She was so overwhelmed she never let go her friend's hand, even to drink, which she did constantly, for the purpose of remaining not sober, to deal with the confusion going on around her. Did I mention she's an artist.

    1. I can totally relate! We weren't there long enough but I totally can see the instinct to hold hands!

  2. As always- perfection!
    Vegas is just a very odd place. I've been there a couple of times and every time I go there, something happens which just knocks me out and I never forget. Okay, maybe that was just the first time.
    Anyway, you captured it. As I said, perfection.

    1. Aww, thank you! Yes, it's like a different planet, almost!

  3. i went to vegas twice - once as a one night layover on our way to the grand canyon and we stayed at the flamingo and the kids thought it was the best place on earth cause the swimming pool was HUGE with lots of slides and tropical plants all around. for years they begged to go back, but have not. i kept taking the naked dance cards out of their hands that people would give them on our walk to the hotel......the second time i went with my friend for a girls weekend and stayed at her moms condo place. i was so overwhelmed i rented a car and headed to zion np for a day of hiking and solitude up the canyon - one of my favorite places on earth. on the way back, my tire blew out on the highway going 80 mph just as i was getting back into the city at about 10 pm. the car was shaking so hard i almost lost control of it, but made it to the side. i called AAA and while waiting for the tow truck to fix the tire, a cop shows up and tells me if you stay here for an hour waiting for AAA to show up - you'll probably be raped or murdered, or both. so i said OK, guess i'll need to try to remember from drivers ed how to change a tire and realize their's no jack. (did you get a jack for the rental, btw?) anyhow, he said he would just change it for me, which was really nice for a state patrol cop that i'm sure had much more pressing work to do. that's my vegas story. have fun in the valley.

    1. Yikes! Good story, SO. Forgot to get a tire jack! But so far, so good....

  4. I haven't been to Vegas in 20 years except to drive by it on the Interstate - which is close enough. Hope the desert was to your liking. (I'm surprised you could even see the night sky with all the glitz and glitter.) Again, a good read!

    1. Oh, I mis-typed! I meant it was LIKE the sky. Of course, we couldn't really see beyond the glitter of that place. Thanks for reading!

  5. I have been to Vegas a number of times. I am not a gambler although I will play the slots for a short period of time. I find once I get out into the desert the world is back to normal.

    1. Yes, back to normal. If 12% humidity is normal!

  6. Really-Vegas. Somehow I don't see you there as in SEE YOU but stranger things have happened. It's the whole gambling, eating, drinking, THROWING MONEY AWAY thing that freaks my shit out. Especially the throwing money away part. Tho you won't be seduced. I have absolute faith in you, dear Betsy, that you will lose your VV (Vegas virginity) without losing your dignity.

    your friend in Jesus,


    1. Yes, we didn't really see ourselves as there either. <24h. We didn't throw money away. I did have a penny in my pocket and wanted to put it in a penny slot machine, but um, they don't accept coins. Right?
      Your friend in whatever,

  7. Really, aren't those voices screaming flight flight flight worth listening to? But then, I'd be over there with your sister, throwing up, with all that stimulation.

    And thank you for letting me cop out of everything complicated this week. No dental work for me, woo hoo!!

    Looking forward to hearing about the desert. I can't imagine going there voluntarily. But that's why I'm looking forward to your account - to find a way to imagine it.

    1. I'm glad I got you out of dental work. Let me know if you need a note.
      The desert is beautifu!

  8. To answer your questions:

    The meaning of "Thank goodness" is not compositional. It is a euphemism for "Thank God" because blasphemy.

    Yes, the "za" thing is the lamest ever. But you better know about it if you are playing Scrabble. Also, there is a pizza place around here called 'zaw artisan bake at home pizza (yes, with the apostrophe, the 'w', and all the little lower-case letters). I'm afraid to step into the place for fear of exploding from the toxic level of preciousness.

  9. I have to confess that I have never before read your blog, though I see you 'round the Moon place, because, from the title, I thought you might be one of those cat lady types. Glad I stopped by because this LV post had me laughing and I don't mean just virtual lol'ing but real belly laughing. Strangely good horoscopes, too. x0 N2

  10. I've been reading the horror-scope-a-thon's here for a good while, but never realized you're a Yarn-iac. Even coolier than humanity knew...
    Happy Knitting!


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