Your Week at a Glance

Aries (3/21 – 4/19) Do you ever have that thing where you start cutting your hair -- you lop a few inches off one side, but you can't find a comb and you don't really know what you're doing anyway, you just know you want layers.  And then, after a few minutes of cutting, you really need a nap, so you take one, but never get back to the hair cut?  Yeah, me too.  This week is going to be a little rough, but enjoy the choppiness.  Make it your own.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Your week will involve new huge challenges.  Tackle them with grace, the way you do, and soon, you'll start feeling amazing.  Use your open hearted kindness to draw a few more people into your web of fun this week.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  I recently had just the right people over for dinner, and after we ate, they leapt into action, and begin fixing things -- my computer, my chair, my haircut.  See if you can make this happen at your house his week.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  Sometimes it's hard to know if your time is better spent taking time away from the task at hand to learn how to do it properly, or whether you should just keep going and sort of figure it out as you go.  I don't know the real answer, Cancer.   (Believe it or not, I'm not a real astrologist.  I know.)  Muddling along is a fine way to be, but I think if it involves Google Sketchup, you might want to go to the college with the quaint campus on the internet.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  The other day, I went hiking with a friend I hadn't seen in 25 years.  We started playing this game where we'd guess who the hikers we passed were going to vote for.  After each person passed, I'd hold up my fingers in the shape of an "O" or an "M", and he would indicate agreement or not.  After a bit, though, he stopped a couple.  "We're doing a little survey where we guess how the other hikers are planning to vote, and I'd like to get some actual confirmation on our guesses for you.  So, who are you going to vote for?"

The man said he never votes, and would certainly never vote for Obama, and the woman noted that she always votes democratic.  We passed, and then wished we'd asked more questions, like, "so, how's your relationship working out?  And what, exactly, is the nature of your relationship?"  But we didn't.

Happy Birthday, my fine Leo friends.  May this year, full of change and new beginnings, be a good one.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):  So last night, I woke from a dream during which I was negotiating with a stunt man to do some of the actions in my dream.  I'm not sure what that means, exactly, but Virgo, this is your horoscope, not dream therapy.  Be your own stunt man, particularly in your dreams.  Don't subcontract the fun stuff.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  Yesterday, I was selling this car, and when I say "selling", I mean the junk people came and hauled it away, and the first thing the tow truck driver said to me is, "wow, can you believe what happened on Breaking Bad last night?"  To his dismay, I wasn't sure what Breaking Bad was, so he quickly moved on to a new topic:
"If there's a worm under this car when I move it, can I keep it?"
"Sure.  In fact, I can get you a whole bucket of worms if you want."
"Oh no, my wife wouldn't like that at all."  
We didn't find a single worm under the car, but the truth is, we didn't even look, because I thought it was stupid, the parameters he set.  Why only one worm, and why did it have to be under the car?  Why couldn't I go to where I know there are tons of worms and just get him some?  But anyway, Libra, this week, keep looking.  Look under the car, the bridge, the old coffee cup.  You'll find some cool stuff.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  So we've been hanging around this morning, comparing and contrasting vegan banana bread with the ocean.  Here's what we have so far:

Banana bread:  homemade, vegetarian, warm honey brown.
The Ocean:  not homemade, not vegetarian, cold steel gray.

Location:  banana bread: your kitchen.  Ocean: a long drive away.

And this:  I thought the ocean, the ocean thought nothing.
I thought banana bread, banana bread gave me this video.  That's it, Scorpio.  Make of it what you will.  The bottom line is, if you're offered a choice between a rent free week at the ocean, or a slab of vegan banana bread, you know what to do.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  You have to feel a little sorry for Henrik Rummel, who spent years preparing for the Olympics, and is now famous for something a little awkward.  If nothing else is going right this week, Sag, just be glad you're not that guy.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  The vote is out on whether it's creepy or quaint to put a wool sock over a bottle of beer when drinking ESB in a place with young children.  This week, aim for the quaint over creepy when you have a choice.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  If you're ever trying to write, don't read anything by Reynolds Price, or you'll just get stuck, because every word is perfect.  Or at least that's what is happening to me.   Reynolds Price Paralysis, they call it.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  If I were going to write a book, which I'm trying to do, I would want it to be exactly like Wild, by Cheryl Strayed, without the mother dying, heroin addiction, and solo hike of the PCT.  Other than that, I would want it to be exactly like Wild, because it's so well written and raw and full of honesty and humility and humor.  In fact, if I thought it would let me write that book, I'd do the heroin and hike the PCT alone.   Pisces, write your next book already!  Your fans are waiting.


  1. I'm looking...I'm looking. So far all I've found is dust.

  2. LAST week involved new huge challenges, and since I can't imagine how I'll handle another week of that, I'm going back to bed :)

    1. Okay, Jenny, the weird fact of the matter is that I started these horoscopes last week, and due to Reynolds Price Paralysis, didn't finish them til today. So I think you got a stale one, and this week will be relatively easy.

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