Horoscopes: the Disturbing Scientific Discoveries Edition

I was looking at an article in the Smithsonian about the most disturbing scientific discoveries of all time, and thought, huh, now there's some horoscope material...

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): The Earth is not the center of the universe.  Some of these discoveries, while at first disturbing, become business as usual after a few prison terms and a long, long time, like 400 years (if you're Catholic).  Aries, we don't have 400 years.  Join up, and keep gracefully orbiting around whatever seems deserving.  Don't worry about whether it's the actual center of anything.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  The microbes are gaining on us.  They evolve so rapidly, Taurus.  But can't we evolve too?  Or at least try to get along with the microbes?  Why must we annihilate everything?  This week, evolve quickly, try to get along, eat locally, speak your truth with an open heart.  Don't worry too much about whether penicillin is effective -- something's gonna get you, whether it's that bus that's hurtling towards you, a resistant strain of tuberculosis, or a bad attitude.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  There have been mass extinctions in the past, and we’re probably in one now.  Wow, it's harder than I thought to make horoscopes out of this stuff.  Like, hey, have a great week, we're all going down!  But try to do just that.  As Hemingway said, "you lose, of course.  The point is how you conduct yourself while you're being destroyed."  Chin up, Gemini.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  Things that taste good are bad for you.  The theory is that historically, humans needed to quickly grab food with lots of salt, sugar, carbs because that stuff was was scarce and easily stored.  Now, it's not scarce at all, but we have those preferences embedded, leading to a rise in popup ads that say, "lose belly fat instantly!"  (Is that a shameless way to draw readers to this blog? Yes, it is.) But Cancer, we can learn to love stuff that doesn't taste great at first, like IPA, for example, and coffee.  I for one don't find this a very disturbing discovery.  Carry on your merry way.  Eat kale.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  E=mc².  The disturbing thing here, according to the article, is that when the constant is squared, and that constant is the speed of light, well, even the smallest multiplier creates a bucketload of energy.  I'm not disturbed, Leo.  Are you?  I think that was just a way for the Smithsonian to make you feel smart.  Like, "oh, right, I know that formula.  Einstein, right?  Yeah, I totally knew that."  But if anyone has a bucketload of energy, send some my way, wouldja?

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):  Your mind is not your own.  Is this even disturbing?  I don't think it really is.    What I think is disturbing, though, is this, which won't come as a surprise to any of you, but seriously.  Sabbotaging the economy sounds sterile and impersonal, but what it boils down to is greedy people messing with the financial lives of lots of hard-working people.  Right?  Now that is disturbing.  But, because you're you, Virgo, I'll follow that up with two pieces of good news:  Brandi Carlisle's new album is awesome, and Slate has started a new podcast about language!  Check it out!

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  We’re all apes.  I for one find this exciting.  We're all evolving constantly in large and small ways, or at least we wish we were, or could if we gave in to it.  What's disturbing is that my podiatrist iintends to cut me off from the steroid injections, because he believes I've had my fill.  It's hard to understand why that didn't get in the article, Libra.  The more obvious disturbing thing here, though, is that I even have a podiatrist.  I know!

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  Cultures throughout history and around the world have engaged in ritual human sacrifice.  Did you hear The Moth podcast this week?  Rachel Dratch talks about going on a date with a guy who mentions that he wonders what human flesh tastes like.  That's taking curiousity to new and creepy levels, Scorpio.  Stay curious, but sheesh.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  We’ve already changed the climate for the rest of this century.  Yikes.  I think this is the scariest one.  There's gonna be a lot of suffering this century, Sagittarius.  Be kind.  Share what you have.  Give freely.  Come to me for salt, which I have lots of.  Oh, and a hat. I can make hats.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  The universe is made of stuff we can barely begin to imagine.  The uncanny thing here, Capricorn, is that your week will be made up of precisely that.  Forget the normal stuff, like Tuesdays and laundry and walking the dog.  Stuff you can barely begin to imagine will happen.  Hang on.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  John Edwards was flirting with the alternate juror.  Yeah, that wasn't in the article, but still...   A fatal flaw is a fatal flaw; you don't just get to turn it off because you're on trial, even if it is super awkward.  Don't let the fear of being awkward stop you, this week, Aquarius.  Just move along your merry way.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  The purported wonders of pomegranite juice don't hold up to rigorous scientific scrutiny.  But that's no reason to stop loving it, Pisces, and maybe discovering super natural powers that it may actually possess.   In fact, so much doesn't hold up to scrutiny, but don't give up on stuff.


  1. You are brilliant. I love every word and idea in this post.....yours is a wonderfully creative mind. I am not crazy about your predictions for Gemini, but, they have a sound of truth a bout them.

    I particularly love the final punch line......
    ...."In fact, so much doesn't hold up to scrutiny, but don't give up on stuff."

  2. Just wanted to let you know that that bus did NOT get me, and I'll be hiding in the closet until next week :)

    1. Okay, check in when you come out of hiding! :-)

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