Free Horoscopes!*

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You courageous people can think about Harriet Tubman this week, that notable Aries who guided 300 slaves to freedom without losing a single one.  Lead just one slave to freedom this week, even if it's metaphorical.  Harriet was known to carry a gun, and if a slave was considering giving up, she'd say, "go on with us or die." You don't need to take it that far.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Lisa Nowak is Taurus of the week.  In case you've forgotten, she's the astronaut who donned a diaper and latex gloves, packed a bb gun, stole a car, and set off for Orlando to kidnap her bf's new gf.  She's not some pansy-ass, home-alone-on-the-computer stalker.  Lisa is a woman with guts and a plan.  If you're gonna be a stalker, really go for it.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Gemini, did you know that there are entire websites devoted to how to attracting you?  It's true. Judy Garland was one of you, and in honor of how quickly the earth is hurtling around these days, I thought' I'd share Judy's little known quote:
"What are we doing flying around in airplanes? The birds don't even go that high! You have to strap yourself in and HOPE...and there's no hope and NO OXYGEN! I have to make friends with the pilot, whereupon he tells me that his children are just as important to him as mine are...forget it! His life isn't NEARLY as important as my life is to me."
 Be safe in your travels, and keep that hopey changey stuff alive.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21: The beautiful Cancer, Elizabeth Edwards, said “Resilience is accepting your new reality, even if it's less good than the one you had before. You can fight it, you can scream about what you've lost, or you can accept that and try to put together something that's good.” Assemble the pieces you've been handed into art, the way you usually do.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Diana Nyad is one amazing Leo who finds inner resources that most of us can't even see with a telescope (or an otiscope, for that mater). But more than that, she's just so gracious and humble. As you swim through the cold, exhausting, shark-infested waters of your life this week, dig deep, and slap on the oxygen mask when you need it.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Frequently, as part of my job, I drive down weird dead-end roads in sketchy rural areas, the kind where I often find myself thinking, if I had a body in the trunk to dispose of, this would be the spot.  The kind of road with plentiful signs saying keep out, beware of dog, beware of whacko with gun, I read the constitution, by god, and so on. When you get to the end of that road, park, and get out of the car, if the guy in the tee-shirt and suspenders staring at you from the porch calls off his big dog, well, that's as good as it's gonna get. Celebrate the calling off of the dogs, Virgo.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  Yesterday, I was offered gifts from two different applicants: a cup of coffee at someone's house that I had to visit, and a small home-grown squash from a different person. I turned down the coffee, perhaps because I was kind of scared to go in the house with the giant Confederate flag stapled to the side. But the squash, well, it seemed like a gray area, and if someone drives to Renton with a homegrown butternut squash, it's kind of jerky to be all "sorry, that would be an ethics violation." Which is worse, and ethics violation, or a manners violation? So I accepted the squash, and put it on my head and tried to walk directly to my bosses office to confess. It fell off about 8 times, so it was a bit bruised when I arrived.
"I accepted this gift. Please add that to any investigations that are going on."
"Well, you can keep it as long as you either put it in a common area for all of us to enjoy, or donate it to charity."
"Does the top of my head count as a common area?"
He gave me that look, like "what exactly are you supposed to be doing right now?", so my squash and I left, not in a sulky way, but more in a, sure, I'll go back to my box and type, if that would make you happy sort of way.  But my point, Libra, is if you know of any charities that are looking for a small, slightly bruised butternut squash, about the size of two clenched fists, please let me know.  And, see if you can make the world the kind of place where ethics and manners violations match up better.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  Did you know that Marie Curie was a Scorpio?  I know!  That doesn't surprise me at all.  Here's what she said:
"You cannot hope to build a better world without improving the individuals. To that end each of us must work for his own improvement, and at the same time share a general responsibility for all humanity, our particular duty being to aid those to whom we think we can be most useful."
That must be just the way Scorpios roll, because you guys are so freakin' cool.  Keep it up.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Tina Brown, a notable Sagittarius person, said, "Powerful women always interpret hostility as unrequited love.”  Now that's talent, Sag.  Turn it around, make whatever you get into something awesome.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  I feel the need to mention Iben Browning here, a Capricorn who boldy (but alas, inaccurately) predicted a giant earthquake in New Madrid, Missouri, where the huge earthquake occurred in 1699, the one that caused the Mississippi to run backwards.  Iben, well, he missed some key facts in his scientific research, and let belief obscure fact, but still.  Be bold, without the hubris.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): That other Aquarius, Christine Lagarde, has quietly and gracefully taken the helm of the IMF from the disgraced DSK, after his questionable liasion with the chambermaid.  I think Christine's going to change the world in a good way, and so are the rest of you Aquarii.  This is a good week for getting stuff done.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  You sensitive Pisces can be overwhelmed by the weight of the world, but luckily, you fishy people hang out in water, where everything seems a lot lighter, almost as if you were on Mercury without the melting wings problem.  Patty Hearst was a Pisces too, and besides all the other stuff, she is one creative human who cares deeply about all manner of things, and got us all thinking about Stockholm Syndrome.  Be light, play in water, don't let your wings melt, keep caring.  Oh, and don't forget to breathe. 

*Do people ever pay for horoscopes?


  1. Sorry, I don't know of any charities accepting mutilated squash .... my Libran advice is to toss it in the nearest public trash can which will allow those who want to admire it the opportunity.

  2. "Celebrate the calling off of the dogs"....laughed at this one. Sometimes life's like that!

    Hey, and I will take that squash off your hands! :) Sliced open and seeded, if you put a scoop of butter and brown sugar and pack it with cranberries and really is delish and beautiful at the same time! :)


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