You gotta believe in something....

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  So today B., who's experiencing his first full week back from vacation, gets all testy with the boss, and goes on this big tear about how lame everything is, and the boss does that shifting from one foot to the other thing that means he's uncomfortable but isn't about to do a thing except shift back to the other foot eventually.  It's kind of dramatic when he does it, because he's so tall that even a minor shift, well, when you project that out, it's actually like a skyscraper swaying. 

I was laughing pretty hard, because B's tirade was actually quite hilarious, and totally fair, but not very helpful, so I try to coax him back from the edge:

"B, look at the good things, you've got a job, some autonomy, good relationships with your co-workers."  [At this point, J., who believes he's been tossed under the bus by B., gets a squirmy look, but that's a whole 'nother horoscope.]

And B. goes on this rampage,"No, Betsy, I'm having none of it.  That's like saying I should stay in an abusive relationship because they don't hit me that often, or they usually don't stab me in the back."

"Okay," I say, "go break up with the boss.  I dare ya.  Go.  Just do it."  And he gets all, "wait, I should totally get the kids and the job.  He should move out."

Yeah, anyway, I don't think this is a good time of year to venture so close to the caldera.  Stay back.  There are times of year to do that, and times not to, which is exactly what I told B., causing him to go to the gym.  Again.   There's a horoscope in here somewhere, I just know it...

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Do you ever have a good friend and you call him JackJack, even though it's not exactly his name, but one time you were reading a story by Miranda July aloud to him, and there was a character named Jackjack, and you started to call him that and it stuck?  And now, you call someone else with a name close to that Jackjack (and I'm not going to say what the actual name is, but here's a clue:  take JackJack, and divide it in half.), and that person, well, you hardly know him, and he always looks Very Uncomfortable, but you can't stop calling him that?  Yeah, me too!  Anyway, this week, watch that movie, Me, You, and Everyone We Know.  Or read aloud to someone who least expects it.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): We're all tired, and it is getting lighter, but still so rainy, and the light just makes it all the more difficult, because now After Dinner is one more time of day that you can see the rain really clearly.  But soon, gardening season will be fully on us.  This week, make stuff.  Just go nuts making things:  food, art, friends.  Report back, please.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21):  Does it seem a little sketchy when the chief cabinet secretary in Japan said, about the nuclear reactor, "It cannot necessarily be called a stable situation..."  He said that tomorrow, in fact.  I know!  (That's the weird thing about news from Japan -- it already happened!) Um, right, I think we've got it.  It's not a stable situation.  But, dear Cancers, life itself isn't a stable situation, so take that, and do something awesome with whatever you've got left.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  It is possible that you should get a service dog.  Seriously, it could wear a little jacket and go around everywhere with you.  But lemme tell you something weird: my sister went on a date with a guy to a textile museum, and he brought a phony service dog.  That's wrong, correct?  First off, the dog was a great pyranees, which, well, no one has ever had one of those as a service dog.  Ever.  I know Great Pyranees, and they're no Jack Kennedy Russell.  Oh, didn't you love that that show, Wishbone?  When I think of that show, I think there might be a god after all.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):  So a few of us were standing around at work, typical government slackers, chatting about t.v., of all things, and J, aka "I've Never Been Trained in That" asked if anyone had seen the Big Bang Theory.  N.'s comment?  "I don't like that show.  I don't like how those two guys dress."  I bet you didn't see that coming.  This week, don't be that bad dresser person.  Dress like you mean it.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  It is totally possible that we're living in a cosmic hologram, and our world is merely the shadow of natural laws painted on a distant cosmic surface.  But so what?  So what if it turns out you are just a character in someone else's dream.  Make it a good one. 

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Can anyone explain to me why there are two and a half bullet holes in the ceiling of my laundry room?  I asked R., who said he was trying to shoot up in his room, but ended up shooting down, but I'm not buying it.  (Mostly because his toughest weapon is a yo-yo.)  Anyway, look up once in a while.  You might see something interesting.  Or maybe, you'll see something coming at you.  Win win, I say.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): So, the other day I wake up and there are all of these shoes in my house.  I text R., who says, "And there are lots of feet too!"  Yes.  Don't ignore the obvious this week.  Lots of shoes, of course, assume lots of feet.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  The point of all this living, as Rhett says, is the dying left to come.  So celebrate more, and don't think too hard about belly fat or taxes. 

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): With Mercury and Jupiter passing each other this week, conditions are right for getting a new pet.  I know, that's the last thing you want, but when the biggest planet passes the littlest one, it creates a pretty big wake, and stuff happens. 

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)
If you go around sort of optimistically, assuming the best, giving people the benefit of the doubt, smiling when it’s not fake, and so on, your life certainly will be better.

The cumulative affect of that, day after day, of looking on the bright side, cutting people slack, forgiving people when you can, and trying really hard when you can't, helping when it’s actually helpful, being generous with your time, money, and talents, adds up to a much better life than doing the reverse.

But there are other big forces at work here, like gravity and energy and inertia and pollution and fatigue and the tides, not to mention PMS.  Measurable stuff that has huge influences on what happens, stuff that doesn’t really care what you're thinking or doing.  As Dar Williams said, “I thought the ocean, the ocean thought nothing.”  

So carry on, do your best, but don't hold the whole world up on your tiny little shoulders.  Atlas shrugged for a reason.


  1. is so much profound stuff here it will take me a while to digest it all.

    Do you also read the bumps on people's heads?

  2. Why Lo, hello! Indeed, I can read that bump on your head. It's coming to me.... yes, you got it from banging your head while crawling out of your neighbor's cat door. It means your week will be excellent.

  3. Wait, there's another JackJack?

  4. Oh, anonymous, of course there's not another JJ! That's the whole point.


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