Advice: Fur Slugs

Dear Khortnee,

I am writing to ask you some business and marketing advice. I think I've discovered a new animal and wish to profit from my discovery. I looked in my hot tub – one that has been moist and dirty, but not filled, for at least six months. I saw a small creature with beautiful white fluffy fur – about an inch long. I flipped it over to find that it had the body of a slug! 

As you can imagine I'm overjoyed with my discovery of fur slugs growing in my own hot tub enclosure!  I am including a photograph.  Unfortunately, this specimen is deceased and the fur got wet when I attempted to remove it. Still, you can imagine how pretty the fur was when it was dry.

What I would like to know from you is:

1) is it legal to patent an animal?
2) do you think this fur best suited for use in knitting or for making fur coats for dolls?
3) how much money should I charge?

I am concerned about poachers so I will just sign,


Dear Slug--Wrangler,

Oh, it took me a while to reply because I was stuck on the bit about the hot tub being moist and dirty but not used.  Why is it that there are only two kinds of people, the kind who long for a hot tub, and the kind who have them, but they remain moist, dirty, and unused?  Huh?  Slug Wrangler, can you explain?

I was also wondering how large these things are.  Like, in that picture, would the Eiffel Tower or a penny be better used for scale? 

But I guess the advice column biz is a one-way  street:  you ask, I answer. That's why I'm Courtney and you're Slug Wrangler, so let's get on with it:

On patenting animals, it depends, and I'm not just saying that because I have ties to the government, and that's a standard government answer.  It actually does depend.  You can't patent an oyster, because the kind that someone wanted to patent was too obvious of an oyster.  Yes, I said too obvious.  The kind they wanted to patent is sterile, and thus edible all year long because it doesn't devote body fat to reproduction.  What makes that more obvious than the Harvard Mouse, which has been patented, is something you'd have to write back about at a later date.  (Or, you could fill the freakin' hot tub, pour me a glass of wine, and we could discuss.)

About the fiber, I once knit a hat made from all kinds of naturally occurring fibers; my mistake was to include hair from an Alaskan husky.  Picture how a dog smells when it's wet.  That's just a hint; I really have no knowledge of this fiber.  

About money, people like to pay $52.35 for things.  It's high enough to seem like you must have something pretty good, but low enough to seem like a good deal.  I hope you get a lot of business.


N'3lvra, the three, as usual, is silent.

P.S.  I can imagine how beautiful it was before it got all wet.  Yes I can.


  1. You know those grainy photographs of a sasquatch, or the UFO's that turn out to be a pie plate on a string? Me thinks this so called fur slug is really a large hairball that was coughed up at the bottom of said moist and dirty hot tub and that one of your readers is trying to hoodwink Ms. Mcvelra3


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Dowdy Church-lady Post

The random edition

Upleveling Our Badassery