Astrology, revisited.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): I suppose you were fascinated by Spiderman's accident.  Let it be a reminder to check your own safety net.  That's the deal, Aries.  You can jump long and far as long as you're firmly attached.  But don't just assume you aren't attached and play it too safe either, you know? We should make some plans for gathering.  Ditch all of those needy people you're related to by blood and marriage, and meet me for a drink in town one evening.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Have you ever started on a project that you think will be really interesting because something good happens at the beginning, but then Nothing. Ever. Happens. Again.?  The other day, I started asking around at the office, "what are you going to miss now that we have to work on Fridays?"  I was thinking I'd collect our grief and do something with it, I wasn't sure what.  The very first person I asked said she was going to have to quit going to Beer Bingo at the Pickled Onion on Thursday nights, and she explained the whole deal, which I won't go into here, but it involves twins, and darts, blackout bingo, and more.  It's just not something you can participate in on a work night.  I got inspired to ask a bunch more people, and this is where it gets a little sad, because people's answer to, "what do you usually do on Friday that you'll miss?" was stuff like, "oh, I do the sweeping and laundry."  Seriously, someone actually said that.  Which is completely missing the point, and brings me back to my point with you, dear Taurus:  Don't get sucked into doing boring stuff.  Give it a little try, and then move on.  Life is too short to collect stories about sweeping.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  Have you ever tried bowling?  You think of it as not a real sport, but I heard of someone, a yoga instructor and triathlete, fit and beautiful, who thought she was in reasonable shape until she went bowling, and it turns out there are hidden bowling muscles.  The point, Gemini, is many-fold.  1.  In the practical sense, if you're thinking of taking up bowling, or even going to the alley for a pastrami sandwich, you should probably get an okay from your physician.    2) in the metaphoric sense, something that seems like a lame little 'wear-the-dorky-shoes-and-roll-the-heavy-ball down-the-lane-over-and-over'  sport is actually complicated, and there are lessons to be learned there, and secret muscles and learnings, just like our lives.  (Except for the shoes, of course.).  Learn those lessons.  You've got time.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): I wish I had a good horoscope for you, but all I can find is a stethoscope.  Your heart is actually doing pretty well in all ways.  Phew!  

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  Sometimes it's better to just let things slide.  Someone in the Permit Center the other day, after I helped him a ton, and explained the possibilities for this property he was thinking of buying, like:  "1) it could be fine; 2) there could be some wetland, making it a bit difficult, or 3) there could be wetlands all over the place, making it pretty complicated and costly.  I recommended that he find out for sure before making an offer."

"So what you're saying," the man says to me in a thick Russian accent, "is that this is NOT a free country."

I usually don't take that bait, but in this instance, I said, "Um, could you clarify?  I'm really not seeing the link here.  Free country?"  

Yeah, you can imagine how that ended up.  Don't be that person.  Let things roll off you this week.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): My dear imaginary Virgo friends, answer your e-mail once in a while, eh?  Skip work and ski with me.  Or at the very least, make up some lame but semi-plausible excuse. 

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Learn a language, especially if it's Spanish.  Don't worry so much about the squirrels in the attic (actual, not metaphorical) that are destroying the house, or about whether you can swim (metaphorical, not actual), and just jump in the water already.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  What do you think, will Snowpocalypse materialize?  Is bigfoot real?  What happens when we die?  Scorpio, your week will be full of the big questions.  Try to intersperse that with some of the medium questions, like, does the fact that vampire bats will feed non-related, non-partner bats suggest that altruism exists?   Or is it just a practical response to large mammal decline during the ice age?  The deal is, though, that the hungry bat has to beg a little.  Don't be so averse to asking for what you need.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Hey, bro, had a dream with you in it.  Not like MLK or anything, but still...  Take care of business, be open, don't think too hard.  Find the sweet spot between the completely concrete stuff of your daily life, and the unknowables.  Wander like a sine curve between the two regions.  This week is full of hope and promise.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  Hey, it's the birthday of you and Elvis.  Sing a song, have a sandwich.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Do you ever listen to WireTap, and the Dad is supposed to represent being kind of old and out of it, and then he says he really likes to play solitaire on the internet?  I hate that.  Its like that book, Eden Express, by Mark Vonnegut, where you're right there with him until he's institutionalized, and you're like, whoa, one false step, and that's my ride...  Yeah, don't think that way.  It'll get you nowhere.  Make good lunches for yourself this week.  In fact, why don't your write yourself friendly little encouraging notes to put in the lunch sack?  That would be such a pleasant surprise!

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): This shooting in Arizona is the saddest thing.  Wonder, this week, how we raise such disenfranchised people, and what to do about it.  And then, take yourself out for a cupcake, because it shouldn't be all about the grim.  It should also be about chocolate.


  1. Hey us Cancers are dying for a cupcake or a sandwich. I'm sorry but a stethoscope??? You must have forgotten the part about raspberry filled croissants and a double tall latte.

  2. Oh, my dear Cancers, the beauty of having a strong and centered heart is that you get to choose your own treats; you don't have to let some sketchy astrologist on the internets tell you what to do.


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