The Weak Ahead

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): What's the deal on adult adoption? Zsa Zsa's husband, Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt, was adopted at age 37. Not only that, but Zsa Zsa and Freddy have adopted "several men". Does that sound like cheating, (to get the kid after the heavy lifting is all done), or is it just plain creepy? Speaking of creepy, Frederic Prinz von Anhalt also claimed to be father of Anna Nicole Smith's babe, but he wasn't. Um, right. "Hey, you know that that sex symbol, high school dropout, former Walmart employee, yup, I'm the dad of her baby. Oh, wait, nope, guess it wasn't me, because I'm the devoted husband of Zsa Zsa Gabor, and we have all of these adult children together."  Oh, but back to you, Aries. It is unlikely that you'll get adopted this week, but you can keep hoping.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Why is it that people get together to watch movies, but not to listen to podcasts? I don't get it. Must we always keep our eyes open during recreation? This week, swing by for a bit of This American Life or even some Wiretap, if you don't find him too whine-y.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  Here's the scoop: the planets are awfully busy out there, spinning wildly. Bring a blanket, lay down, and watch it all go around you. Have a piece of cake. 

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21):  How do you feel about that computer, Watson, that's going to play Jeopardy?  I think it's kind of exciting, myself.  Most of the answers we seek are not so clear cut, thought, and it's weird and creepy to do that, "who is Alex Trebek?" thing in real life.  But, if the answer were, "a new room for him and all his stuff," what might the question be?

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  Have you ever had that thing where you can't take a deep breath, and it's either that your belly has gotten so large that it's an impediment, or you might have lung cancer?  Yeah, me neither.  Your week will be all about that kind of stuff.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):  I'm talking to the confidential secretary the other day and she starts actually whispering, saying, "I've got lots of secrets, but I'm confidential."  She says that, but I don't believe any of it.  This week, contact your lame astrologist and have lunch or something.  Oh, and if you guys have fill, I have people.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  Seriously, another nap?  What's up with that?  This week, update your blog more often. 

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): In the 1970's, Mario Vargos Llosa discovered humor.  I know!  Before that, it was just blank where a joke should end, and people would mill about, confused at the end of a story, not knowing what to do, or more importantly, what to wear.  Blogs back then were serious, just recaps of tv shows like Wild Kingdom and Flipper.  Enjoy his little discovery.  Come by for your hat, which sounds like code, but it's really just about the hat.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  Oh, my dear Sagittarii.  What a mixed week you people are having, I'm so sorry.  So I got a text from a Sagittarius yesterday asking if we had "vasaleen"; when I asked what he needed it for, Sag replied, "to lube my rubick's cube".  These are the sorts of problems you Sagittarii have, which makes the rest of us fond. 

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  Do you ever have that thing where the person in the next cubicle yells over to help them, because they just commented on a blog and didn't mean to, so you go over to help, but it's not a blog at all, more like a site that gives ratings for businesses, and your cube neighbor has gone off on a weird rant about a business in Chicago where his friend Mike works, and now Mike is calling saying he's gonna get in trouble because the comments look like maybe Mike could have made them?  I hate when that happens.  So I comment on his comment on this site, and say, "I think you have the wrong business.  This one's in Chicago."  And cube neighbor says, "add, 'don't be such a dumbass' to your comment."  So I do.  Yep, that's what your week will be like.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  I have a feeling that this guy is going to be a cult hero, at least with me.  He was a flight attendant, and a passenger got up when he shouldn't, and flight attendant asked him to sit down, and the guy got abusive, and after a little altercation, flight attendant activated the inflatable ramp, grabbed a beer from the beverage cart, and left the plane.  Oh, if only there were beverage carts and inflatable ramps at my job.  I'd be all over that.  This week?  Be. That. Guy.  

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  I saw the coolest fish yesterday, it was totally puffed up to like, 6 times its normal size, and then it did the little fish lips thing and sucked itself down to normal.  My point being, Pisces, that you reminded me of that, because, we can stretch and do amazing things.  Do more of that.