Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Oh, my dear Tauriis, while we're on the subject of stories, I'd like to call your attention this. I know, you don't click on links, because you never know where you'll end up, and if you'll be dressed appropriately for the site, so I'll just tell you. An evening of live, true, harrowing, hilarious storytelling in Seattle, this Tuesday. There is really nothing better in all of the world than a good story, don't you agree? But back to your horoscope: it's gonna be a hard rain that's gonna fall. Metaphorically. Breathe (a lot, but not too rapidly), remember how strong you are and how everything ends eventually. Focus on the sine curve.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): My dear twins, did you read this? I didn't either, but it was pointed out to me. (Thanks, E.) The gist is that an elderly woman had her dead twin sister and husband dug up and brought home where they lived with her on the couch. She kept her sister doused in perfume, and wearing her best housecoat. "I'd go in, and I'd talk, and I'd forget," Stevens said. "I put glasses on her. When I put the glasses on, it made all the difference in the world. I would fix her up. I'd fix her face up all the time." It's just about the saddest thing ever. But hey, that bit about putting the glasses on. It does make all the difference in the world. Look harder this week. See what you can see. (If anyone is wondering, I don't even have a best housecoat.)
Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): So I have this squirrel that is a little bit creepy. It lives in the attic, and I know exactly how it gets in and out, but now the animal has had babies, and I hear them nursing and mewing and stuff, because the nest is literally inches from my bed, but inside the wall. I don't want to close up the access just yet, because I truly don't want baby squirrel blood on my hands. But the mother comes inside the house occasionally, and runs around the kitchen. I'm not for that. My point being, life is complicated -- that nasty rodent that creeps me out in the kitchen because she looks so angry is also the mother who lovingly cares for her little baby rodents. This week will be like one giant optical illusion: is it a vase, or two faces? A lovely young woman, or the old surly one? Try to see both sides, but land on the side where you see the charming, loving, nursing rodent.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Do you ever get stumped working on the horoscopes, and you're only on Leo? I know, me too! So you go look at some others, just as an example, the way you might have a little snack to get in the mood to cook. And those people have cool starry names, like, "Venus by Evelyn", but when you read it, you have no what she's talking about: "the ruling of planet VENUS in your life this cycle is really an "illuminate" intuition." Yeah, anyways, the stars are up there, we're down here, have an awesome week.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Boise Boise Boise, that's all it ever is with you. I will say, I'm strangely fond of those Russian spies. Befriending people on the off chance that someone they know will eventually become someone important, and they'll be an insider. That's exactly how it is with this blog -- there's an off chance that something important will happen here, and you'll be the first to know. Keep reading. Not because that's even remotely likely, but because it says something about you -- like, you're the hopeful sort of human who thinks amazing things are possible. Live that way this week.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Sometimes when I'm stuck on the horoscopes I look at google insights to see what people are searching for. In this state, during the past seven days, in the category "Science" there was only one search topic, "Moon". That made me a little tiny bit sad, I will say. So I checked a few other states: Maine: nothing at all. Florida: 10 things, including math, shark, moon, cool math games, and Rube Goldberg. And Texas had ten search items as well, including DNA. I don't know exactly what the point of this is, my dear Scorpios, except that we should stay curious, believe in science, and use the internet for good and not evil.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Oh, my Sagi-people. Yes, that's a cool hat, you could take it off once in a while, though. There's been research showing that children in homes with 500 books or more are smarter, kinder, just basically better. Pick one of those books up once in a while, will ya? Your week will be excellent, getting better each day until the weekend when it will be non-stop fun. Look forward to that.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Maybe it's just me, but did you know that Woodrow Wilson devolved into a paranoid, limerick-obsessed guy after his stroke? Yep, that'll happen. Be careful out there.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I went to a meeting last week, and during the small talk part while we were waiting for That Guy Who's Always Late, I mentioned this article, which, well, considering it was a room full of men, just didn't go over very well. I'd suggest you not make the same mistake as I did, and pack up your small talk kit with some harmless interesting tidbits.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): The world is irreducibly complex. Don't try to pretend otherwise. The ducks, they don't like to be in rows -- let them wander freely. Take the news that we only understand eight percent of what's going on with dignity, and, if you can summon it, excitement! Everything we do matters in ways we don't even know about yet, so be thoughtful and kind, and most of all, take courage to do what's hard.
And here begins my attempt to make vinegar by hand. I just don't know what kind of juice you start with if you want balsamic...that's definitely not a fruit I've seen at the store.
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