Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): I've heard of a little store that will sell underage people a nice bottle of wine, and then if said teens can't drum up a party, they'll take the bottle back for a refund. I know! Sounds implausible, but see if you can find such a place. Enjoy your waning days of being a teen, which isn't all it's cracked up to be.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): In researching Gemini this week, I learned that this sign is no longer aligned with the constellation, due to the Procession of the Equinoxes. I know! We should have a parade. But if you get that floaty, detached feeling, that's where it's coming from. By the way, I also learned that Jupiter aligns with Mars every 27 months, and the moon is in the 7th House every single day. (Is it clear why I get nothing done? Ever?) Enjoy this week, because you're about to start working a bunch more. I think our curious baby will arrive on Friday.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): I have it from a reliablesource that this bug is kept as a pet by native American gamblers, because it's good luck. Some of the Cancer's have this very bug, which isn't particularly photogenic but is a gorgeous iridescent green, on their kitchen counter. Some Libra's too. That bug is finally gonna do it's thing. Luck will be with you.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): This weekend, go on a fun reunion trip with some old friends, and then fill me in later. I think it's sweet that Daniel Pinkwater wrote back; I would suggest that you reply again, but hey, I'm sort of stalkerish that way, so use your own judgment. Oh wait, wasn't I going to remove the word stalker from my vocabulary because it puts creepy ideas into the heads of the crazy people? Starting now. Moratorium.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): What do you think about that Giant Palouse Earthworm? It bothers me on so many levels. First, they thought it was extinct, so they stuck electrodes into the soil to try to roust them out, which is weird to begin with. "Take that, you struggling little species." Not unlike starting a fire in the ICU. Then, when worms crawled out, which were nothing like the description of the Palouse earthworm, they were all, yup, we found 'em, alright. Except for the part how they are nothing like the Giant Palouse earthworm, which is a meter long, smells like lilies, and spits to protect its territory. This worm, 6 inches, no lily fragrance, no spitting. But it's the same worm, fer sure. So they find two live adult worms, first time in 20 years, and they killed one in order to dissect it. Anyway, the point here is that you will encounter hubris and arrogance this week. Be gentle. Breathe.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Try to stop thinking about the biggest environmental disaster this continent has ever seen. Rather, continue to think about the canned ham, and finish the damned sweater already. When are we going to get a handle on clean energy?
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): As usual, your week will be amazing. I may be alone in this, but I think it's kind of sad that the pres of the UW, that well-respected institute of higher learning, quit his job to run the NCAA. That just seems tacky to me, but I've gotten myself in trouble with this comment a number of times already, so I'll keep it to myself.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): You know that thing where you tell a funny story, and then say, "okay, that's funny in three ways," and then elaborate what they are? I think that's the fourth way, and I'm lucky to live with someone who makes me laugh out loud (not the fakey LOL, but actual laughter) four times before breakfast.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): What people are googling this week is "kfc doubledown", which is the new artery-clogging sandwich invented by the colonel that involves deep fried chicken where the bread should be, causing me to wonder many things, but most especially, why are people looking that up on the internet? Why aren't they just dialing up the heart surgery place? For your week, find joy in the midst of it all. Breathe, and focus on this particular exquisite green that only happens this time of year.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Pack your lunch, look at the bus schedule, and plan an outfit. That's what you should do today. And you should pat me on the back because I finally painted the footfall part of my stairs which had been blank for two years. They're still loud and clunky, but blue.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Speaking of giant engineering disasters, what happened with that NASA balloon? Why is weird news involving balloons sort of funny, when it should just be kind of scarey. These are the top scientists in the country, right, and the balloon crashed. Remember that boy who wasn't in the balloon after all? Again, should have been just plain scary, but there was something a tiny bit funny about it, making me think it's the word balloon? This week, toss that word around a bit when the going gets rough. See if you can find a little humor where there once was none.
Maybe the stars are lining up so that some friends might do an intervention on someone who says "stocker" too much. And people can't keep harrassing Daniel P.W. because they would look stupid. Duh.
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