It's never too late

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You know that situation where a soon to be divorced neighbor calls and asks if he can move in, and you're kind of speechless, and say, um, um, instead of saying what you're really thinking, which is, wow, that's crazy! Instead, you say, oh, it sounds really hard, and he's all, yeah, it would be easier, though, if I could fall into the arms of another woman, and instead of saying, wtf, you say, 'have you tried heavy drinking? and he says, yeah, I'm all over it.  And for a second, you think you're  a rocket scientist? Yeah, I know. Anyway, don't try the heavy drinking yourself. Do yoga.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Have we confirmed that you subscribe to Radio Lab podcasts?  Because if not, you should.  You would know the full story of the guy who infected himself with hookworms to cure his allergies, the chimp who thought he was human, and the origins of morality.  By the way, not that anyone asked me, but there's nothing wrong with a rebound affair; many great things start that way.  Have fun, my friend.  (Except I'm not a fan when it's lame and pitiful, like the Aries thing, above.)

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  Okay, I was doing some actual research on your sign, my dear Gemini, and learned that it's a mutable air sign, which means you might be willing to move from one thought to another without finishing the previous one, or even moving from book to book before finishing the previous one.  Then, just when it was getting to the really juicy part, it required a credit card to continue.  That seems wrong, so I'll give you this, for free:  I don't think you're mutable.  I had to look it up, but you seem pretty solid to me.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21):  Does it seem like everyone wants to tell you their problems? I think that's just how it is to be a Taurus. You'll feel your energy waning along with the moon this week, but next week will be better.  Keep hiding bills under the mattress.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You know that bitter, hate-filled little man for hire? The one who's motto is, "Don't tell me what to do?" Um, don't hire him. I'm just saying. This week, focus on creative pursuits. Make stuff, look at pretty pictures, cook.  Paper maiche, that's always good.  Here's some pretty food; enjoy. 

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Does it make you just furious that Patty Murray's life was threatened repeatedly by some whacko who believes we're on a socialist path? Me too! Oh, wait, that's not your horoscope. Give me a sec.  Okay, here:  This is a good week to take action on that nasty chore list. The weather's lousy, the kids are out of school, just do it.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  Same ole.  Another week like the last one, and the one before that.  But that's okay, right?  (See Pisces.)

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): You know when someone dear asks you to write about them on your blog, and you think, oh, how sweet is that, and you get kind of nervous that you won't be able to capture that quirky, delightful person very well in just a few words? I hate that. But I'll try. Stay tuned.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): I know. You look at the internet history and think, yikes, who was looking at Playboy, and then you realize, oh, that's just my mom, she's actually just reading the articles for material for the horoscopes. How awkward. I would hate that too. By the way, you'll have to share the family knife with your sister. (The bad news just keeps piling on.)

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Did you read about this woman? I know, no one clicks on the links, so here you have it: she's 82, and went deer hunting with her son, traipsing across rugged terrain for 5 days in the Montana cold, and shot her first deer although she's half blind. Let's do that when we're 82, shall we? Yes, you Capricorns, who are so yin now, but give it a few years and a lot of target practice.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): At some point in the future, you'll look back on Right Now, and think, wow, I had beauty, brains, youth, lovely children, health. That was the best. See if you can think that right now.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  Yeah, they say you have a watery demeanor.  That doesn't sound right, does it?  But this, on the other hand, is quite interesting, because it demonstrates that you can be simultaneously at home watching The Simpsons, and in Oklahoma visiting your aunt.  Or, in your case, possibly administering chemotherapy and gambling.  At the same time.  At any rate, take heart, this will be a good week.