I am not just making this stuff up.
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Isn't it annoying when you're always taking the high road, and it seems like the low-roaders are having more fun and no one seems to notice or care that you're being especially decent and mature? Not true. They aren't having more fun, and we all notice, and know that the world is way better with you in it. The air is fresher and cleaner where you are anyway.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): You know that guy, there’s one in every workplace, who writes to the Pope periodically because he’s noticed that there are no snakes in his yard, and believes that he should not only be a saint, but should have a drunken holiday in his honor? Thankfully, you’re nothing like that person. Speaking of the pope, don’t forget to make those Easter baskets!
Cancer 6/22 – 7/21: Does it feel like the stars aren’t shining on you right now, and you’re just left with the moon, the waxing crescent? Yup, true enough. But you’ll find a star, and it will seem even brighter than you remember. Enjoy the little vacation.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): You know when you go to the movies by yourself on a Saturday night, and get a large popcorn, junior mints and a drink, and hope to slip in quietly, but there’s a tiny line at the door to the theater, and the beautiful people are all, ‘wow, you’ve got a lot of stuff there, can I get the door for you?’ Yeah, I hate that too. But at least you didn’t have to put the drink down to open the door and do that awkward thing of using your hip to hold it while you bend down to get the drink. That, and no one was reaching their grubby paws into your popcorn. It’s all in how you look at it.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Last week I suggested that you leap before you look, but I want to clarify, not like Felix Baumgartner. I hate to be so judgmental, but I think that’s wrong, don’t you, to jump from 23 miles above earth, free-fall for 5.5 minutes, and reach a speed of 690 mph? Breaking the sound barrier in just pants and a shirt? For inexplicable reasons, I’m very opposed to it, and not for the reasons you'd think (because Felix calls his motorcycle “his old lady”). I just don’t think loose humans should travel at that speed. Call me old-fashioned if you must.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Your heart is so pure, but your body is so sore. Maybe 3 hours of vinyasa in one day is a bit much. Don’t do that this week. No one thinks its freaky, btw, that you must do one Sudoku, one cryptogram, one crossword, and one jumble every day. We think it’s charming, and no one thinks you have any form of OCD.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): My sweet little Scorpio, hang on, it’s almost over. The path ahead is hard to see, it’s overgrown, but that’s a good thing, right? Come by for some nettles, they’re perfect right now. (That wasn't a metaphor, btw, it was an invitation.)
Saggitarius (11/22 – 12/21): Do you think Schrodinger’s cat is actually a zombie? Dead and undead at the same time? I know, you’re thinking, I am not interested in Schrodinger, I don’t even know who you’re talking about, just make me a sandwich. It’s gonna be a good week for you, now that the ITSB or whatever they call that new standardized test that sounds like something communicable is over.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Work work work work work. That’s all there is this week, but it will be suprisingly rewarding. Just relax a little, don’t get too worried about the annoying people in your workplace. Remember, they’re doing the best they can considering they have broken glass in their shoes.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Wow, it’s gonna be a weird week. That comment, “if I were any happier, I’d need medication”, yes, you will find yourself saying it for real this time. Finally, after all that slogging.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): That other amazing Pisces, Stuart Udall, died over the weekend. Moment of silence, please. Celebrate his life by taking on something important, and working as hard as you can at it. Let them all say about you, “s/he cared harder.”