Board Meeting Ettiquette

Dear N',

I often find myself at board meetings with an overwhelming desire to jab somebody in the forehead with a fork. Are there any states in which it is legal to do so? Does it matter if it is a salad fork or a full sized dinner fork? What if I were to use a plastic spork? These people REALLY deserve it. It would really be in their best interest if I could help them in this way and the thunk would be so gratifying to me personally. It is truly a win-win situation.


Dear C,

You should use the outermost fork for the first agenda item, and work your way in as the meeting progresses. If there are no conflicts during the first topic, you may bypass the salad fork and move right to the dinner fork. When you've completed the gratifying thunk, gently place the fork at the 20-past-four position, to indicate that you're through.

Unfortunately, I've been forbidden to offer legal advice since this debacle. Someday, maybe the whole story of why N'3lvra lives alone on the internet will be revealed.


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