You can't live in the present forever...

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  Last week when I was in the major recreational stuff store, browsing socks, an employee came up and said, “do you want some advice?”  And for a minute I felt like, jeez, do I look so stupid that I need help with buying socks?  But on the other hand, I was curious, so I said, “sure, what have you got?,”  which seemed to surprise him, because he was quiet for a minute, and then said, “really?  You want advice about socks?”  And I’m thinking, well, you started this, but what I said was, “yeah.  I need advice about socks.”  That, in a nutshell, is how your week is going to go.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Hey, did you hear about those guys that saved that humpbacked whale? (Of course you did, it happened 3 years ago).  At any rate, I bring this up because the whale was all friendly after getting freed from the crab pot ropes and appeared to be thanking the divers.  What do you think?  Gratitude?  Or is that just personifying whales in a most insulting fashion, behaving as if everyone is actually a person, but some of us dress up like other animals?

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  Does it seem like every time you turn around, someone wants you to knit a pair of socks for Haiti or the school raffle, and you do care about the people in Haiti, you seriously do, but would everyone please leave you alone?  Because you’d like to just be home flipping through cookbooks and using as much butter as you feel like, goddamn it?  At any rate, rather than the socks, you should make one of those cool scarves because they are Art, and they are quicker than socks.   Do you think the cell phone/ brain tumor link is something you should worry about?  Or is that just more grassy knoll conspiracy theory? 

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  Last week these two guy came into the permit center together, one selling property, and the other buying it, and they were each trying to get me to give information that was better for their angle, and I was being all Swiss, even though they each tried pretty hard for their side.  I was feeling mingle-y because they were clearly having a little bro-mance and it seemed sweet, lots of inside jokes, and then they started asking for advice about their marriages, maybe because I started talking about rescuers during the holocaust who didn’t even tell their spouses what they were up to, because they didn’t think the spouses could handle it.  “Are you suggesting that I not tell my wife I’m gonna spend a million dollars on this?”  For the record, that’s not what I meant.  This kind of confusion will happen to you this week; try not to fall into any conversational traps.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Looks like a wedding in your future!   Maybe not yours, but someone near and dear.  You should buy some vintage platters.  Oh wait, does that sound more like advice, and less like a horoscope? Well, my exhaustive research suggests that with the moon in Sagittarius, you will feel particularly enthusiastic this week.  Apply that to the platter shopping.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):  Snowmageddon got you down?  Be careful out there.  Stay home, read.  I used to do that.  Okay, this weird thing happened, I was looking at the computer screen, helping someone, and she said, “wow, you do a lot of research on the web.  Do you give classes?”  But what I heard was, “Do you have glasses?”  And I was all, “I know!  I used to read in the evening, but now I just want to close my eyes and listen to podcasts of This American Life all the time."  She gave me this scared look, like, um, is this what happens before government employee goes postal?  They just start telling you random stuff?  My point is, try not to embarrass yourself this week.  Oh wait, you never do anyway. 

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  You will find yourself dropping by a friend’s house to go to a movie, and instead, getting involved with a Cutco knife demonstration, and soon, you will own a tomato knife that can slice tomatoes paper thin.  Because you’re a sucker for the old neighbor trying to put herself through college.  Oh, maybe this was last week’s horoscope?  Yes, I thin so.  This week will be Amaaaaazing.  Your love life, work, everything.  Norman Vincent Peale said so.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  Put this on your calendar:  20 years from now, plus 7 – 10 working days, the family knife will need sharpening.  I will be too addled to remember it, and you won’t trust me with knives anymore for reasons we won’t go into here, but, you will be super-excited to slice tomatoes paper thin.  In fact, and I’m not saying this with any judgment at all, but you will get the idea that you can make a pretty stained glass window by slicing all manner of vegetable paper thin, and drying them.  You will be most excited about beets, because the window will make everything so rosy.   I don’t want to tell you how it turns out, but it may be best to practice the technique before you remove the windows.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  Welcome to the rat race.  It’s actually pretty fun, especially if you’re you, by which I mean already really fun.  In fact, the rat race is lucky to have you.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  Are you bored because everyone is watching the superbowl today and you could give a shit, but you’re afraid you’ll miss an important commercial that everyone will be talking about for months, and part of you is thinking, sheesh, I can watch it on you tube later, but still, I don’t want to be the last person on earth to see Janet J’s boob or whatever?  I know.  Just eat the snacks.  That's what I plan to do.  Sit at home alone, tv off, eating grease.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): You know when you look at google to see what the recent top searches are, and find that the biggest thing going is something you've never even heard of, like Mass effect 2, so you google it yourself and then think, wait, maybe this is why it’s getting googled so much?  Not unlike Pooh and Piglet nearly catch a woozle?  Yep, I thought so.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): You have to watch this pathetic video of Palin talking to the tea party.  I think my favorite part is how hard the audience laughed when she said, “Alaska has it’s own tea party – we call it iced tea”.  It is obviously a highly intelligent audience she speaks to, when they laugh that hard at a hilarious joke like that. On second thought, don’t watch it.  It’s just irritating, and that’s the last thing you need right now.