Ready or not, here comes the week

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  Do you ever have that thing where there’s a bad smell, kind of vague, wafting around your house and you can’t quite pinpoint the source, and it’s possible that a mouse died under the refrigerator or inside a wall, but then again, maybe it’s nothing, and you could either wait it out or spend a ton of energy locating it? Your week will offer similar choices (metaphorically), and I’d recommend just waiting it out. 

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  You know that thing when you start writing the horoscopes, totally from scratch, and then decide to snoop around the internet and you begin to learn what it actually means that Mars is in Retrograde?  Yes, you do?  But then they start going off and saying stuff like, “in many ways, Mars in Retrograde can be likened to Mars transiting through the twelfth house,” so you feel like you maybe missed too many classes and there will be no catching up?  Oh, I know that feeling too.  You aren’t alone.  That retrograde thing is still going on this week, so hang tight.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): Yes, life is complicated like this sometimes, and you feel like, wow, 4 years, and it ends up like this?  But it will be better in the future, this week will be easier than last, and by next week, you’ll be almost at the point of “Him?  Seriously?,” except you’ll never really be at that point, which is why we love you so dearly.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  Do people keep bringing their musty old books for you to look at when all you want to do is something else?  This week, work hard to do as much of something else as you can. 

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Does it piss you off that Tea Party, which used to be a sweet thing that girls did together, turned into a horrible political movement that involves comparing a proposal to provide health insurance to 30 million uninsured people to the Holocaust?  I know.  I think we should take back the tea party, and start our own freakin’ movement that involves actual tea, with vintage plates, and maybe that pretty cake from Miete?  And while we’re at it, can we reclaim the word “retard” for it’s actual meaning, so that I can say, “wow, it was so retarded of me to talk about meal worms at a party” without seeming to insult Trig, who’s life was already gonna be hard enough with that weirdo family family he was born into, but then Downs on top of it, pretty much making him The Last Person on Earth I’d Pick On?

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): No one else likes the Canadian National Anthem all that much either, so you’re in good company.  When will I ever see you again, by the way?  You've turned into one more imaginary friend.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): You know that thing when you’re at a party and it seems like people are talking about meal worms, and you say, “When I was young I raised mealworms,” and you just say it to fit in, but what they hear is “I was lonely til I got the mealworms” or something, which  doesn’t even sound at all like what you said, but it guarantees that you’re not gonna fit in at all because now they picture you being a person with pet grubs, possibly even wearing little costumes that you've crocheted?  And you start thinking it isn’t so terrible after all when people think you have cats?  Yeah, that might happen again this week.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  Be careful with the family knife, when you get it.  I’ve cut myself every time I pick it up. 

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): The plants turn brown like this every year.  Where have you been? The garden doesn’t get flowery again til April, so stop nagging. And, (pant) I’m gonna need ya (pant) to run down to the beach (pant) and get the h-antibiotics.  Right away, Sawyer.  Oh, now that we’ve all caught our breath, does it seem like you’re watching too much Lost lately?

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Does that chimpanzee who was raised as a human and believed herself to actually be human cause you to feel extremely disturbed?  Because you start thinking, uh oh, I think I’m human too, so is it possible that I’m actually a chimp who was raised by humans?  I know.  I hate that.  Learn sign language and carry on; it doesn't really matter and you'll never know for sure.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Did this crack you up as much as it did me?   Bring music to your work place, btw.  It will help.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Oh, your birthday this week!  This will be another amazing year.  Do your kids do that thing of constantly making time capsules, and then wanting to dig them up in like, 15 minutes, and you’re trying to be interested in how life was Back Then, but it doesn’t come easily, and then this week you realize life really is going fast, and maybe the capsule was buried for a whole decade?