What's happening?

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  Did you hear about that woman who got the lasik eye surgery for reasons of convenience and vanity, but it harmed her eyes and now she has to wear moisture-generating goggles all day?  The problem that started out as, "I don't look so great in glasses" became, "Now I always look like a fish in a foggy terrarium."  That seems wrong, but I just wanted to point out that there are weird problems out there that don’t belong to you.  Enjoy that, for a change.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Does it bother you to realize that you’re only the figment of someone else’s imagination, and lately, they haven’t been thinking about you much?  I can see how that would be disturbing.  This week, though, try to make a break for it, and capture your own life.  (Don’t. Tell. Her.)  

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  Johnny Depp did not die, if that’s what you’re worried about.  So this week, fill up that dumpster, metaphoric or actual, and get rid of stuff that’s dragging you down.  Toss a detail into the gloom to light your way.  Oh, and you know how people print out lyrics, cover them in clear contact paper, and hang them in the shower (using the leftover suction cups), so that when they play the shower playlist on the iPod, they can learn the words so that later when they sing in the car, it’s not so “blah blah la-di-da”, but more actual words?  (Oh, is that just me again?)  Well, anyway, learn this song, will ya?  If you need suction cups, let me know.  (I have lots of clear contact paper as well.)

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  Have you read that book by Ransom Stevens?  Read it and tell us whether we should bother.  Also, did you find the Life Magazine’s “Greatest Unsolved Mysteries of All Time” to be a huge disappointment?  Me too.  They took the most interesting stories in history and snuffed the life right out of them.  Grr.  Your life will be better than that this week.  Lots of interesting stories.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): If you wrote a book and it got published, you should let your friends throw a fun party.  Oh, you did write a book, and it did get published?  Um, I think we could find someone to water the plants for a few hours, if that’s the problem.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Does it concern you that the UN's Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) made up stuff about the rate of Himalayan glaciers melting, saying they’d be gone in 35 years, just to get a grant?  Sloppy science, or fraud? As if things weren’t bad enough after Climategate.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  You should start answering the phone again instead of just watching it ring, and then assuming they’ll call back if its important, and then if it does ring again, assuming they’ll leave a message if its important, and then if they do leave a message, you should actually retrieve it, rather than waiting for the text or the singing telegram.  Seriously, you should do that.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  Do you think Ira Glass is as excited about seeing us next week as we are about seeing him?  Oh, and in the estuary of your soul, which is a phrase I stole from one of the hippy wilderness scholars wearing skirts and boots and hand knit wool caps, cultivate gladness.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  You should really take up guitar.  Look on Craigslist, find one, take a burly person with you to check it out, and then learn to sing and play that song by Sad Brad Smith.  It will make the world a better place.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  Does the boredom seem like it might swamp you this week?  Keep rowing, and get a pet or something.  Work on your zombie apocalypse plan.  You need to think a little bigger picture, because, well, I’m not saying I have a better plan, but holing up in a mall, it’s not gonna help with the boredom, and eventually you’ll run out of food and ammunition. 

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Is it your birthday this week?  Yay for you, one more trip around the sun.  Eat one of those excellent brownies (the ones shaped like a pie, with chopped hazelnuts), if you’re looking for a way to celebrate. Every time I think of Aquarius, I think of the Supremes, which makes me think how the Supreme Court wasn’t so supreme this week, was it?  Don’t let that bring you down.  It’s a whole new year, a lot could happen, and undoubtedly will.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  Does it sometimes feel like you grew up living in the back of a pickup truck in Homer, Alaska with 2 large dogs, 3 brothers, and hippy parents who spent two years writing what they called a book, but turned out to be a car stereo installation manual?  We all feel that way sometimes.  Write a book, already!  There’s no time like right now.  I mean RIGHT now, put your knitting down and start typing.