Spineless

Dear N‘3lvra

Ok, it took me a while to write you, but there is no way around it. I seem to have been severely traumatized by losses in my life and now I seem to find myself increasingly putting up with nonsense because I don’t want to lose people as a consequence of my possible not-putting-up-with-sh…tuff.

For example, I have been thinking about breaking up with my counselor. I felt that we have lived apart and may not have too much in common; also the fire has cooled down in the bedroom … oh wait – wrong relationship. Anyway – you know, when you feel like they don’t really see you but only their reflection in you and then the part about not really listening (or taking notes for what it’s worth). So I talked to my friends and all agreed that it’s time to break up and I was determined to do so.

I didn’t want to do it in email, or a text message because I know what it feels like to be dumped that way. I thought about calling at a time when I could be sure to reach the answering machine, but kept putting it off. So the next thing I know, my counseling apptoinment was coming up and I decided to do the deed in person.

I get there, bring all the things that have not been working on my radar, while I wait for her. She comes and asks me how I am and I say – tersely – FINE! She stops whatever she is doing and asks again: Really? And there … I already feel bad for being so overtly terse. I soften my tone: Yes, really. And she asks me: Have you ever considered hypnotherapy? OMG – how did she know? It was the magic word – all that was needed to turn my almost backbone to pudding. It’s true – I feel that I have sliced and diced my problems in any possible way and analyzed them to their atomic level. And after all the slicing and dicing, I have a gazillion of new ways to look at my life – obsessing over what the hell went wrong, never sure if I truly think, believe, or feel something or only think that I am thinking, believing, or feeling something.

In short: I need a way to just shut down all the chatter in my brain, so I can have a chance at hearing the tiny whisper of my gut. Since trying to tell my brain to shut up is as successful as trying to not read a sign that says: “Do not read this sign!” I have taken a meditation class and tried meditating… almost religiously (which may be the problem, because I am not religious). Couldn’t do it. So – hypnosis sounded like the silver bullet for my mental demons. I came back and tried it … and all the time I can tell that it’s just not working. I did not feel the warm sand under my feet and did not see the pool of enlightenment. I also did not see the figure that was supposed to be my guide. Mainly I was wondering if it would be ok to scratch that itch I felt on my nose. (I decided not to). When I “came back” (from not ever having been “gone”), I was disappointed. She said it takes time and getting-used-to, I think it might take something else which I may simply not have: faith.

What do you think? Should I keep working on it or should I throw the towel? Or – should my therapist and I go to couple’s counseling before simply giving up? What if it’s me, not her? I just hate break-ups … argh!

Spineless near Seattle

Dear Spineless,

Okay, sorry it took me so long to write to you, but remember: in the event of a real emergency, please hang up and call 9-1-1. (whenever I get to typing 9-1-1 I wonder if the pentagon was actually hit by a missile launched by the American government?) Oh, and speaking of emergencies, the weirdest thing happened yesterday, my blackout buddy, which sounds way more fun than it is, started beeping. I know! What was that about?

Oh, I'm sorry, our session is just about over. Don't you hate it when the people who are supposed to help you are all about themselves, which is what I think is what's going on with both the blackout buddy and the therapist. Breakup already. Texting is fine for that.

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