The 'scopes


Aries (3/21 – 4/19): You should watch that movie about the guy who digs up a stump, varnishes it, presents it to his wife as a baby, and the wife nurses it until it comes alive and eats the postman. Oh, you’ve seen that one? Of course! Maybe you’ll like this? (That’s what Netflix says, anyway.) This will seem like a long week, but make the best of it. Turn up the music and dance.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Expect a proposition of some sort this week. Hopefully better than the one I got last week, “hey, you should take a few pieces of firewood on your way out.” Um, hello, you think my price for not calling it a stream is a tenth of a BTU?

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): If you’re honest, you’ll admit that you too are afraid of air travel, and a drink or two does take the edge off. But keep your wits about you and your id handy. Watch Harold and Maude again, fer chrissakes!  Once is not enough.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21: Do you think people use the word, “paradigm” in order to seem smart? I read this today: “Today we look at media technologies that are enabling not only greater freedom, but a new communicative paradigm which will, in part, help steer us to the great discoveries of this moment in history.” Then when you read the article, it’s about how social networking sites allow for grassroots conversations to emerge. AND, shouldn't it be "that" in the sentence, rather than "which"?  Yes, I believe so.  Did they really need to call that a communicative paradigm? I don’t think so. You’ll encounter similar pretension this week, but don't put up with it, even for a minute.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): Get one of those mood dresses, will ya? Let me know how it works out. Oh, wait, I’ll already know, duh, that’s the whole point. It looks like it goes pretty well with everything.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Does it seem like you’re easily bored? Me too! Check out the new blogs on the right, I think you might enjoy them. You might also like Cowboy Mouth.  Try "Jenny Says."  But meanwhile, your week will be full of back to the grind; you might wish to take up a vice or two.


Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Wow, you have awesome kids, completely worth every penny that you spend on them, which is no small sum. You should focus on the ordinary resolutions and try to stay a little bit closer to the bell curve this week. There’s plenty of room in here for you.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): What a difficult resolution you’ve selected, to be more thorough in every single thing you do. I’m not sure if anyone else cares much about the format of a bibliography entry, but I do think it’s excellent that you’re going to try to do them, and everything else, correctly this year.

Sagitarius (11/22 – 12/21): What do you think of the Kombucha Botanic #13? Hoax, health risk, or miracle cure? I can’t decide. Try it this week and let me know how it goes. That will give you a chance to use the word “scobie” in a sentence.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): It looks like you’ll get an interesting proposition this week too. Yours should be more like the one my co-worker got. We were standing around on someone’s waterfront fancy-pants property, admiring it; when the woman who lived there came out, co-worker said, “wow, wish I could live here”, or something like that, to which woman said, “you should hook up with my husband. He’s flexible that way.” (I know, and meanwhile I get offered the two crummy pieces of firewood.) So be sure to follow up on this interesting offer, and let us all know how it goes.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): Do you think Dr. Drew’s reality show about celebrity rehab is taking advantage of addicts, or helping them? I’ve never seen it, myself. Watch that and let me know what you think.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): It’s a tradition in Mexico to ring in the new year wearing new underwear, yellow if your resolution involves money, and red if it involves love. Alas, this year, Mexican markets sold more yellow than red, but you should enter the year in red. Oh, wait, what’s that, you don’t wear underwear? Um, this is a good time to start.

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