Horoscopy


Aries (3/21 - 4/19)
:  Every morning I do a little self-test for dementia.  Lately, during the testing period, I've noticed that my coffee seems unacceptably cold.  Am I making it
Ceratina sp.
wrong? Drinking it slowly?  Is this a sign, Aries?  Am I wearing the coffee pot on my head and using cold water or something?  Is this the first sign?  Did I already ask that?  Aries, your week will be full of unexpected temperatures.  It's not your fault!  Try to let go and fall gracefully into dementia.  Watch me!


Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  I think resilience is more important than happiness.  Being able, when life does it's thing, to zoom up to 5,000 feet or even 30,000 feet, obtain a grand view, and then come back down to take care of business, knowing how little everything really is. Taurus, see if you can practice your skills this week.  One way to practice is with binoculars.  Find the bird with your eyes, then lift the binocs, etc.  Oh wait.  That's instructions for a different thing.  Oops.  But just practice being flexible.  When something comes up, drop it.  Relax, eat fruit.  


Gemini (5/21 - 6/21):  I went to a little workshop the other day and during introductions, the person who arrived 40 minutes late gave what I would call a memoir instead of an introduction, beginning with her birth, and detailing everything right up to the moment we were in.  Which, as you know, never arrived because of how time works.  At first I was like, GRRR, my teeth hurt from gnashing them, and my eyes hurt from trying not to make eye contact with anyone.  But after 20 minutes or so, I realized, wow, I'm actually involved in a miniature miracle.  Usually, I have so many questions that I'm afraid to ask (like what was that guy drinking from a mason jar at the Grill the other day?), and here it was, all laid right out for me.  Gemini, notice the miniature miracles every day.  Use your birthday time for good.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21):  Another person at the workshop, during her introduction, said that she and her children are nomadic, they follow the sun.  I asked where she grew up, the way you do when you're trying to seek common ground ("You have a kidney, I have a kidney!  So much in common, you and I!") and she got all, "It seems like you're really trying to pin me down.  I don't really live anywhere, and never have."  Cancer, try to live somewhere and own it, and tend it as if, well, as if you were saving it for your great-grandchildren, as they say.  Sense of place is one of the three most important things, according to me.  

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  It seems like I have nothing to write about these days, which shouldn't be true.  Two people that I routinely chatted with, or at least said hello to, were arrested in or near the library in the last couple of weeks, one for indecent exposure.  I took a class to learn how to make pants out of bacteria.  I have a bunch of whack-a-doodle clients.  A dog wearing a green jacket nearly walked into the yoga studio the other night.  So it seems plausible that I could pull together a dozen horoscopes.  But blah blah blah.  Sometimes it's all blah blah blah, Leo.  This is one of those times.  Sorry.  

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Speaking of which, I got my spirit animal reading done recently, and I have not just one, but seven spirit animals.  Most are large mammals, duh, just like me, which was strangely disappointing.  If my spirit animal is my regular animal, it seems like I'm missing something.  But my inner spirit animal is the hummingbird.  I don't know what an inner spirit animal does, exactly, but maybe it brings out the ADD.  Excuse me, I have to google rhubarb to see what the nutritional value is.  Oh, did you know that the toxin in the leaves is simply oxalic acid?  I wonder if rhubarb leaves could be used to treat mites in my bee hives.  Etc.  I just heard that hummingbirds are actually visitors from beyond, dead people visiting us.  I don't know what to make of it all, Virgo.  Is my spirit animal dead?  Is that why I can't write anymore?


Libra (9/23 – 10/22): So last week, while I was sitting in the library working, two cops came and handcuffed the man at the next table.  It was mildly disturbing because he works at the next table most days: him drinking mountain dew and eating raw broccoli from a plastic sack, and me mostly eating nothing, especially since the mean librarian spoke to me sternly about eating Mexican food that one time.  I've since learned that my seemingly peaceful coworker has a long history of jail time and assault charges and I even found his 38-page hand-written manifesto on the internet, not unlike the Unabomber.  Things aren't always what they seem, Libra.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): There's a mom and two baby cougars living in the woods behind my house where I walk my dog every day.  My plan is to not get between mom and the babes, and also to not die a weird, ripped to shreds by a giant predator death.  Although that wouldn't be the worst thing.  The worst thing, Scorpio, would be death by boredom.  Don't be bored this week.  Be curious.
  
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): I purchased bees a few weeks ago from someone who turned out to be a christian evangelical musician / Elvis impersonator / man with wife(s?) wearing long drab dresses.  At first it seemed kind of weird, to drive up to this farm that made me feel like I'd time-traveled, where both the clothesline and the women and children wore long gray and brown dowdy dresses.  But then it seemed just like a beehive!  Where lots of women do lots of work and a few males sing and impersonate elvis.  Wait.  I made that up.  Anyway, the bees seem pretty healthy.  Sag, be healthy and sing like it's going out of style this week.


Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): I've been listening to a podcast about Bikram Choudry, the founder of Bikram Yoga.  It's the same old story -- some guy takes advantage of women who trusted and adored him, raped them, and left them feeling ashamed and wondering what the fuck just happened, and what kind of world is it when someone you loved and trusted and admired did that.  I'm so very tired of that story, which I can completely relate to.  Capricorn, see what you can do in your own life to change the way things go down in the world. 

Aquarius (1/20-2/18):  One thing I'm super tired of is being hired for my expertise with wetlands and the permit process and then having people ignore what I say.  I might be wrong but I have a feeling that if I were 6 feet tall with a beard and a deep voice, people might actually believe me!  I used to (like, yesterday and the day before) try to convince people that I know what I'm talking about.  Now, I just think about what bug to draw next.  Every time a client doesn't listen, from this point forward, I will pull out a piece of cardboard and draw another insect.  

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20)
: Besides all the icky stuff, Scott Pruitt is one weird dude.  Like, who wants a chick-fil-a franchise anyway?  Would you jeopardize your job to get one?  "Honey, if you really love me, you'd get me a Chick Fil-a franchise, because that way, I could spend my days serving fried chicken to random people.  Right?  Pisces, don't get involved in any franchises.  Ask me first.  I'm sorry about this lame crop of horoscopes.  I guess that's the way it goes sometimes.


PS.  I can't believe we're bickering with Canada. That breaks my heart.

Comments

  1. Well, personally I think these are swell horoscopes but then again, everything you write makes me love you.So. There is that.

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    1. Aww, thank you Ms. Moon! Love you right back. (That isn't one of those awkward things where one person says it, and the other feels obligated. No sirree.)

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  2. This is good advice. All of it. Even as a Leo I have never exposed myself to someone who didn't want to see it. You show me yours and I'll show you mine is a little more my style.

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    1. Yeah, it's a little creepy. And a lot sad.

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  3. We do not bicker with Saudi Arabia that funded 9/11 or Russia that hacked into the Democratic emails, tried to shut down our grid and invaded the Ukraine...but Canada...Oh Canada.

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    1. Right? So frustrating! Canada has been like that cool aunt who we can threaten to run away to when times get tough. Arrrgh.

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  4. I like the horoscope for Taurus the best. Do you think it will work on Trump-caused stress?
    And I think Pruitt's desire for a used mattress from the Trump hotel is the weirdest thing he's done. He's done lots of destructive things to the US, but the mattress is the weirdest.

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    1. Yeah, the mattress thing was super weird! Yikes.

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  5. Wait, I was reading along and then you said someone you talk to or know or whatever was arrested for indecent exposure....neighbors cannot be trusted. You're just going along and then you find out your neighbor has built an elaborate tunnel under your driveway and they are living in your basement.

    My neighbors just call the cops when they see a random Black man in my yard who happens to be my daughter's boyfriend. Because he's Black of course.

    The crows are making a racket in the trees in my greenbelt. Hundreds of them fly south over Beacon Hill every night to roost...somewhere.

    As for Canada. Shite.

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    1. Is that a thing, the neighbors tunneling under and living in the basement, like Hogan's Heroes? Wow. And the crows. We love the crows.

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  6. I am so late commenting; I'm sorry! I always, ALWAYS love your horoscopes (and your drawings/ paintings). And I have to say your life sounds more interesting than mine. Also? My husband made the same observation you did about people trusting males more than females regardless of their credentials, as he has seen it happen first hand over and over in the job he's been in for a year now. He wasn't happy about it, but he'd be even less happy if he were a woman, I bet.

    Have a good week, Betsy :)

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    1. Oh, I just saw this! Sorry I'm so slow to respond. I think any life is interesting in 12 tiny sound bites. I try not to write about all the time that I spend doing the mundane or dinking around on the internet... :-) . I hope all is well in Canada, our former ally. (ARRRGH!)

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  7. I don't know what is going on here, really, but this is the most magical horoscope I've ever read. If there are any newspapers left, you should get a job doing these for a newspaper. They're usually right next to the crosswords, and I really want to see what your crossword clues are like.

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    1. Why thank you! Now crosswords, there's a new challenge... :-) .

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