Horoscopes. Fake ones.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): I've been trying to drill down into the chores that I avoid to figure out why.  Laundry:  I don't mind dumping the dirty clothes into the gigantic washing machine that PSE gave me, or adding the soap.  I don't mind setting the dials and I especially don't mind while the machine is running when I am free from the terrible burden of it all.  The happy little jingle that it plays when the cycle is over is fine with me.  Moving the clothes into the dryer is no big deal, and cleaning the lint screen is actually fun! Carrying the dry laundry to a chair or couch isn't so terrible, and I find matching the socks strangely rewarding in a boring way, like mahjong.  The parts I do mind:  1.  Turning the shirts right side out; and 2.  Putting the clothes back into the drawer.  Now that I've narrowed it down, I feel completely ridiculous.  Really, turning the shirts inside out?  That's the kind of person I am?  Pisces, I know this is a super long rambling thing about socks, but that's only because I love you fishy people so well.  The point is, my dear ones, that chores aren't really so terrible.  I was about to hire someone to help turn the shirts inside out the shirts, when I discovered that I can take the shirts off in a whole different way, eliminating the problem altogether! I hope this doesn't create wide-spread unemployment of the right-side-out work force.  Pisces, think outside of the box!  Or out of the shirt.  Enjoy this week, free from burdens.

Aries (3/21 - 4/19):  The other day, while walking my dog, I came upon a man and his dog, both unleashed.  While the dogs sniffed each other's butts, the man said, "Happy New Year!  I was just spreading my wife's ashes over here.  We have the ashes of two other dogs under this tree, so I thought I'd keep it going." I thought it was sad and kind of sweet at the time, but Aries, I wonder what he's trying to keep going?  Spreading wives? No! Stop spreading the wives.  And another thing?  Does it seem, in retrospect, like he was behaving suspiciously?  Aries, let's snoop around that tree this week and see what we can figure out. Bring your DNA testing kit.
  
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Did you know that it's not "dead reckoning", but rather, "ded reckoning"? Short for deductive reckoning?  And then, as a double entendre joke, changed to dead reckoning, because it isn't such a great navigational method and people end up dead.  Don't end up dead, Taurus!  Well, actually, we will end up dead, but try to stick around for a while.  We need you!

Gemini (5/21 - 6/21):  Ai Weiwei says, "Optimism is whether you are still exhilarated by life, whether you are curious, whether you still believe there is possibility."  It all stems from curiosity, Gemini.  Right now, write a list of 6 questions you have.  Every day do that until you have a giant list of things to get you up each day, even in the deep dark winter.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21):  I went to an intuitive eye-reader the other day, because I'm skeptical and curious.  She said I was tidy (!!), inflexible, structured, and have ADD.  When I said, "hmm, that doesn't sound quite right," she looked me hard in the eye for a long time and I felt guilty, like I was hiding my rigid tidy self.  Even though she had only looked into my eyes for a few minutes and I've had a lifetime of being unstructured and messy, I figured she was probably right so I came home and said to my house, "take that, messy house -- you are NOT my soul type."  At which point my house laughed in my face.  While the other people showed pictures of their lovers or crushes, I showed her a picture of my dog.  Turns out my dog is also a Server, Scholar, Artisan, just like me!  I always thought my dog was kind of scholarly.  The eye reader also told me to drink more coffee.  Woo hoo!  Life is good.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  I once told a friend that I was reading about narcissism.  "No, please don't," he responded.  "Talk to me.  Tell me about me.  Tell me what you think I want.  Read the books I've read, remember my stories, tell me how I am.  Am I happy?  Am I?" he would ask.  "Of course you're happy," I would always say, and he would look relieved.  Leo, feign happiness until it's real.  

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): I have many hobbies, and I feel guilty when I don't tend to one or another, like a woman with too many children -- I don't have special time with each.  Which is stupid, I know.  No one but me feels sad for the bugs that won't be drawn because I'm too busy with the parade and trying to grow a hat from mycelium and what ever happened to the podcast?  But I think about the hobbies as if they're children, neglected children, and I become a bit paralyzed thinking about a poor beetle or wasp that never comes to life.  Virgo, am I making any sense at all?  Can we have a drawing night soon?

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): I think my favorite podcast right now is Oh No Ross & Carrie.  They don't just report on fringe science and claims of the paranormal, but they take part so you don't have to!  They're so funny and kind and they travel to places like Arkansas to attend a Flat Earth conference.  Libra, see if you can research some claims this week.  Let me know how it goes.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): I don't know if I've revealed this or not, but I'm in Aromatherapy.  I've been in regular therapy before, and I'd like to clarify that aromatherapy is way easier.  No tears, no difficult introspection, and cheap!  Not to mention that it smells good.  I've been wearing an aromatherapy necklace, as a message to the world that I'm trying.  Scorpio, is aromatherapy cheating?  Is it a spiritual bypass?
  

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Have you heard about the Humanity Star?  A giant disco ball launched into space that orbits the earth, supposedly reminding us to look up and appreciate the fragility of the planet.  It seems bizarre to me, like if the gorgeous moon and the vast array of stars aren't enough, why would some fake star change anything?  What do you think, Sag?

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): It's taken some time to get used to the idea you can just drive to a store and buy marijuana.  I hardly do this because it rarely interests me, but, every single time i've been to a pot store, this particular scenario occurs:  there's a young stoner at the counter who asks the middle-aged person what they're looking for.  The person describes an elaborate thing:  I'd like something where I can take one or two hits, laugh really hard for about half an hour, and then focus nicely for an hour or two, and then sleep really well."  It's always that -- the laughing, the focus, the sleep.  And the young clerk always delivers.  "Oh, yeah, we've got that.  It's an indica sativea blend, laughing Buddha with a high CBD content blah blah blah..."  And the customer looks so relieved, and buys whatever is suggested.  The two things that strike me:  everyone wants the same things.  Laugh more, focus longer, sleep better.  And, the same people some of whom probably don't believe in western medicine, easily believe a cute young stoner.  My wish for you, Cap, is more laughter, better focus, solid sleep.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18):  Speaking of pot stores, it cracks me up that so many carwashes now have pot stores attached to them.  Like, they were selling weed already, but now there's a nice little store where it happens legally. But that is merely a distraction from the real issue.  When are we going to get to the bottom of the Russia investigation?  Jeez, hurry up already, Meuller!