Horoscopes in Microdoses

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):   Feeling a little down, Pisces?  Maybe micro-dosing is the answer.  There is no downside to a procedure that causes you to say, at the end of every day, "Now that was a good day.  Find us the hook-up, please?  Anyway, let's all meet in downward dog.  

Aries (3/21 - 4/19): Does anyone know for sure what a "guest internet" is?  You know what I'm talking about:  the one you use when you're lurking in the bushes near your neighbor's house because your own internet isn't working.  It's labeled with their last name plus "guest".  Is that like the guest towels that you save for company?  Meaning, you don't use them to mop up the goo when the washing machine fails and water gets all over the laundry room floor?  Do people do that with their regular internet?  Please explain, Aries.  Your week will be full of guests, in the best way possible.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  I've had a terrible infestation of houseflies lately, maybe because the top to my garbage can is damaged and has cracks in it because it flew off during a windstorm once and by the time I found it, a truck had driven over it.  I resorted to getting fly paper, which is horrible in so many ways.  But when I bought the fly paper ($3 for four rolls), the lady at the hardware store scolded me a bit; said fly paper was  disgusting [I know!], and I should get this other thing, a little fly rectangle that cost $9.  I was sort of shamed into it, but it's basically the same deal:  a sticky box for the flies to die a miserable death on.  But the old kind of fly paper caught way more flies.  Taurus, eliminate suffering in every way this week.

Gemini (5/21 - 6/21):  As you know, I listen to many podcasts, and they advertise things for people who don't get out much, which always causes me to wonder.  But the latest is the Caspar bed, which is surprising in at least two ways:  

  1. It's a mail order bed!  It ships in a box, directly to your door.  
  2. There are no choices.  At first I thought that was weird, but after mulling it over, I'm a big fan.  I want a new bed.  I don't want to leave the house and go practice sleeping in a public place.  I don't want choices.  I want one thing, a good night's sleep.  
The plan is to work a bit more, come up with some dinero, and order the bed.  Oh, and the third surprising thing?  Duh, it's a bed named after a friendly ghost.  What could be finer, Gemini?  Your week will feel like a friendly ghost is always at your side.  Don't be frightened.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): Those killers on the loose in upstate NY have reminded me about a family vacation I went on when I was 12.  There was a killer on the loose, also in the in the Adirondacks, where our family had planned to go on a backpacking trip, but due to the killer, we switched to the much safer alternative, a canoe camping trip.  Because we all know that crazy psycho killers couldn't get to an island.  Duh.  But what I remember most was that helicopters were flying overhead, blaring out messages to the killer, asking him to surrender.  Nothing like a relaxing week in the woods, I always say.  Cancer, it's almost your birthday!  Start thinking about cake.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22): I saw my neighbor the other day, something that doesn't happen in the winter, and he asked if I was still planning to cut down a few trees on our shared property line.  "Yeah, I did that last fall.  Five trees."  
"Oh, I hadn't noticed."  
The conversation turned to how unseasonably warm it's been.  Yawn.  But I mentioned how it's already the time of year when we micro-adjust the dial on the shower, because the water we use, which is from the lake, is warm.  And then I thought, yikes, it's come to this.  Me, explaining to a man I hardly know, a man who doesn't notice the removal of five giant trees, that I've dialed back the mix of heated versus unheated water in the shower.  Right?  Boring-ness happens, Leo, but I do think micro-dosing could help. Are you in?

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): I was driving across Lake Washington the other day, shortly before the rock and roll marathon, when I saw planes flying around dragging encouraging notes for runners and for some reason I almost had to pull over to weep.  An airplane, the biggest fastest way we locomote, cheering on people going the old fashioned way, going the way we've been moving since humans first wanted to get away from the lion.  The sheer sweetness of that took me down.  Virgo, your week will involve lions and tigers and bears, but don't run.  Just watch and learn.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  I saw a jar on the counter at a little store in town with the picture of a super sick man.  Pale, hooked up to medical machinery, in a bed.  The jar is a means of collecting money for his kidney transplant.  I think there was a bit of change in the jar, but not much.  There must be a better way, Libra.  If I need to go on a jar, please just do me in.  And use the jar for something good, like honey.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  I saw this in the alley the other day; it appears to be a rib.  A mystery!  I hope it's from a pig and not a person, but one never knows. Speaking of mysteries, last week I found an earring on an island.  Which as all the makings of a great plot.  A bit later today, with any luck, I'll put a little clip about that mystery right here.  Check back!  I know, the suspense.  It's killing me too, Scorp.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  I've talked about this before, how people post death and funeral notices on the window at the post office.  But this week, I noticed a sign where the death notices usually are that says, "I love you Bob! We miss you!" It was written in lipstick on the window.  Apparently, the dead continue to get their mail at the PO, but not in the regular boxes.  Just lipstick on the window.  Take note.

Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19):  I was thinking I should get some sponsors, do product placement here in the 'scopes, and earn big money.  So, sponsors, feel free to contact me.  It's fine if you offer me the item to use so I can genuinely endorse it.  I'm down for the Casper bed, a newer econo car, fly paper, and gutters for a house.  I'll sprinkle endorsements throughout the astrological signs.  Oh, but Cap, your horoscope:  You'll find everything you need at Zabars!

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I was at the Farmer's market yesterday, looking at produce, when I noticed a couple nearby.  The man said, "Wow, look at the giant fava beans!  Let's get some."
And I looked too, and thought I should buy some as well.  Even though they're kind of a pain in the ass to cook.
But the woman said she can never eat fava beans.  "Reminds me of Silence of the Lambs where Hannibal said, 'I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti.'"  Then she noticed my look and said, "It's okay, you can eat them alone."  So I did buy them, in an act of defiance.  And I'll eat them alone, maybe today.  Do something bold yourself, Aquarius.  


  1. I micro dosed two weeks ago. It was good.

  2. Micro dosing would have allowed me to notice the five big trees. I just need a source.


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Dowdy Church-lady Post

The random edition

Upleveling Our Badassery