End times might actually be pretty fun!

I had a closing at the bank the other day (only it wasn't the bank, because it never is, it's just some weird skyscraper where people sign papers; it's unclear what the humans usually do in those buildings, but whatever it is, they have to dress up to do it.) Anyway, when given the choice, I selected, "e-sign", because it was going to be quicker!  I arrived and was ushered into a fancy conference room with a fake mahogany table and framed mass-reproduced "art" on the walls.  Two women were in the room, but quickly left on various missions:  one to find the iPad, one to find her notary stamp.  They found the iPad, but it wasn't charged, and the power cord was too short to reach the fancy table.  

"I can just sit on the floor near the outlet, that's fine with me," I said.    

The women looked horrified and laughed nervously, as if I'd proposed to sign in the nude or had spit onto the fake oriental rug, and dashed off to find an extension cord.  The one they returned with was a giant orange 240V cable that perhaps had been borrowed from a construction site, because it was about 50 feet long.  They plugged the iPad into it, but the weight of the cord started to pull the computer off the table.  Some adjustments solved that, and we were down to business.

The notary tried to get things started, but it took quite a while for her to figure out how to get off of the start-up screen.  She figured it out, and we got going.  Woo hoo!  This was going to be REALLY FAST!  I clicked accept accept accept a bunch of times.  I asked about form I didn't understand, and she said, "Oh, you can just take that one home and look at it, and decide whether to sign later."  Um, okay,"  I've never heard of that at a closing before - sort of like an open-book test where you get to take the questions home for later research?

But I finished up, mostly, and  handed the iPad back to one of the women.  It easily reached her, of course, due to the 50 foot long extension cord.  This was so fast!  She tried to do her part, but she couldn't get the computer to cooperate.  Eventually she asked me to sign everything again.  

"Wow, maybe I'll end up with two houses!," I said.  [THAT WAS A JOKE!!  HA HA]

"Oh, no, that couldn't happen, you see, because there's only one address on your papers," explained woman who was running among the biggest financial transactions in my life, helpfully.  

"Phew!  Maybe I'll just owe twice as much on the one house!"

"Oh, I don't think that could happen," she said, not super confidently.  And then she said, "But I know what you mean -- I've done that before -- I'm on zappos, and suddenly I bought two pair of boots instead of one!" 

When she asked me to sign a third time, I said, "Wow, if I keep signing, maybe I'll end up with the whole neighborhood!"

She didn't laugh.

As she tried to log in to do the notary part of the transaction, Siri took over.  "I HAVE SOME MOVIES TO RECOMMEND," she said in her peppy little computer voice.

They argued for a while, Siri and the notary.  The notary said she didn't want to watch movies now, but Siri was insistent.  I  wanted to play it out, see what movies Siri had to offer, maybe hang out with the bank ladies for a while and watch, but the notary was having none of it.  She eventually called a person in Puyallup, who had been to The Training, and Puyallup Woman said, as all good IT people are wont to do, "Yeah, just turn it off and on again."

"Shut down," the notary commanded Siri.

"I don't understand?  I have some movies to recommend!"

"Shut down," said the Notary, insistently.


I felt sort of bad for Siri, because I've been in her shoes, trying to get fun going and being shut down.  So I was really on her side. There's poor Siri, all, "Come on, let's all watch a movie!"  And Ms. Bank Lady  is all, "NO, SIRI.  I just want to wear my dumb bank-lady clothes and be officious."  Right?  It was hard not to take sides.

Eventually, Siri got the message.  "OK.  SEE YOU LATER!"  She acted casual, like her feelings weren't at all hurt about the rejection.  Been there.  But instead of shutting down, she started on something else.  "I CANNOT SHUT DOWN UNTIL YOU INSTALL THE NEW OPERATING SYSTEM.  PLEASE INSTALL THE NEW OPERATING SYSTEM NOW."

The bank ladies tried to ignore her, but Siri stuck to her guns, and they eventually clicked to download the new OS.  "YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO INSTALL NEW SOFTWARE," Siri responded.  Ha.  Siri, showing everyone who's boss.

By this point, I had given up on feigning that I was a worthy risk.  You know that best behavior you try to display at the bank, or at least I do, where you're all serious and try to have your id with you, and try not have items falling out of your pocket and mud on your boots -- you act like, "YUP, giant financial institute, I AM NOT SKETCHY!  Every freaking month until I die, I will pay you large sums of money, I will never ever slip up, I'm totally a nose-to-the-grindstone type.  Until I DIE, I will pay you.  First.  You can count on me!" -- you know that act?  Yeah, I pretty much melted into hysteria.  "Hey, bank ladies!  I think this is the apocalypse, starting right here!"  They didn't seem to think any of it was funny, no sirree.

Anyway.  The manequins will be stepping up next.  You mark my words.  I saw this gang of naked mannequins, meeting and plotting, and I think they may have some clothes to recommend.

This started out to be horoscopes, but sheesh, Pisces, this one wore me right directly out.


  1. I have been thinking about all of this a lot lately. I got that new giant iPhone and I love it too much and I'm almost worried that when I carry it around with me every second of every day (hey- I might need to take a picture!) that it is somehow communicating my movements and very thoughts to a distant race of planetary beings not our own. I do not discount this idea at all. Who knows? Maybe Siri is the voice of those beings. Or of GOD.
    Whatever. Let them record this:
    I adore you.

    1. I know, I have a strange attachment to my phone too. I'm not really proud of it, but . . .

      Happy Halloween! xo

  2. Thanks for the laugh this morning.
    From Hal to Siri. What's next?

    1. You're welcome! Thanks for reading.

  3. You couldn't make this up. Artificial intelligence will take over.

    1. It's happening! At least there's intelligence though, right?

  4. I love this post! Very real in an unreal way. I have a fitbit that sticks its tongue out at me if I don't walk the number of steps I am supposed to (according to fitbit, not according to me.)

    1. I sort of long for a fitbit, even though I think it would turn on me and stick out it's tongue or worse... I hope yours brings fun into your world.

  5. Technology giveth; technology taketh away. Some days it does seem like it taketh more than it giveth, though. The delays and stupidity must have been driving you nuts, but you sure made me smile. Especially the last line. Have a good week, Betsy!

    1. Hi Jennio! Sometimes, when things go so far wrong, its better than if they're just mildly annoying. (At least I can get a blog post out of it, right? :-)

  6. Ah, the bank shenanigans. Whenever I go to a) refinance or b) buy something or c) grovel, I sure hope there's no mud on my shoes. When I had chickens, I would have chicken poop on my shoes. Very professional. Siri clearly had the upper hand in your adventure and it was creepy but prescient. I used to think there were little people inside the radio. It could be true.

    Your friend Beth

    1. You mean there aren't little people in the radio?

    2. Um, well, I don't THINK there are but I have my doubts these days. About things. Like radios and those mysterious 'mounds of dirt' randomly appearing in the yard. How does sound move through the air and come out a pair of speakers? How can subways go under the water? Why are there hairs coming out of my chin?


Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Dowdy Church-lady Post

The random edition

Upleveling Our Badassery