The other day, my little m. and I were eating at a restaurant, and midway through our meal, the waiter just disappeared. He came around to check on us, we each ordered a second beer, and that's the last we saw of him. I have two main theories:
- Rapture. He was sucked up. But that theory doesn't really seem to fit the data. For one, he was the only one in this busy restaurant who disappeared. For two, it seems like his shoes would have been left behind. Soles, but no souls.
- Arrested. Right? What else could come between him and his customers besides handcuffs?
- Little m. thinks that perhaps he fell down a steep flight of rickety stairs, but I would hope that would generate some commotion: an ambulance, a stretcher, etc. So this isn't one of my main theories.
(Oh, and we had to wait like a long thirsty hour to get a check from the sketchy waitress who, I'd like to say, could benefit by trying to be in the moment more. But perhaps she was distracted and full of guilt because she is actually an FBI informant, and ratted him out.)
Mystery #2:
Still, the beer stein thing. These are tiny plastic replicas of a beer stein, probably an Archie McPhee's purchase. I was telling R. about it, how I got this fun little mystery gift in the U.S. Mail! and I don't know if I'll ever figure it out. He said no, it's not really a gift, it's someone messing with me, and he says I haven't seen the last of it, there will be more. I tend to disagree, because most people I know aren't lazy, exactly, but sheesh, finding envelope, stamp, etc. That's a lot to gather. I don't even have any main theories on this one.
Betsy! His wife/girlfriend/etc was having a baby!!! So he took off, didn't even say goodbye so he could get there to see his new offspring. (threw down his pad, sprinted to his car, managed to get keys in the ignition, ran 2 red lights and made it, just in time. They had a girl.)
ReplyDeleteSorry about the second beer.
Or:
He had an experience of enlightenment while walking between the bar and the kitchen. He immediately shaved his head, shed his regular clothes and took on some orange robes and began a lifetime of wandering with a begging bowl, dispensing wise advice as he walked. His new name is Arjula.
Keep an eye out for him. He might be in downtown Duvall.
As for the beer steins, I wish I had sent them to you. Have you started your diorama yet?
X Beth
Oh, these are some very likely scenerios. I can't wait to see Arjula. It will be all hugs and "Arjula! What about those IPA's?!"
DeleteDiorama is mostly happengin in my head right now. But soon it will be in the world too.
I know waiters. He got pissed off by the chef for the very last time, took off his apron, swigged a huge shot of Jagermeister that he stole from the bar and left through the back door yelling, "Fuck ALLA y'all!"
ReplyDeleteOh right! I should have known; I've been that waitress!
DeleteI am thinking for Mystery #1...World Cup.!
ReplyDeleteOh, that's a good guess. I keep forgetting what the world cup is, but I gather it's a big sporting event.
DeleteI'm with Mary Moon on this one; he went out the back door with a belly of ale and no paycheck.
ReplyDeleteOk, two votes for that...
DeleteMake that three votes. Because the only alternative I can think of is that it got to the end of his shift and he bailed. But I think that's a bit far out, don't you? I mean, all the waiters I've ever been waited on by have been dedicated, empassioned, upright, job-loving human beings who would never leave the job just because of what the clock says.
DeleteUpright job-lovers! Yes!
DeleteYou mentioned a business and an ambulance, so this isn't totally off-topic. I once walked into an Apple store at the same time that two paramedics and a gurney arrived. A woman was in distress. I noticed, because I had arrived at the same time, but NOT ONE employee or customer paid any attention. There really must be something in the air of Apple stores that puts the customers in a weird trance. She was wheeled out to the ambulance and other customers drifted in to the now-vacant space. Weird.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hope your waiter rushed off to see his baby born, but I'm betting on Ms. Moon's theory.
I think you're right about the apple store. One time I did the Thriller dance in a Apple store in order to get a discount (I know. Really.), and the good thing is that no one noticed besides the clerk who dared me. I think I got like, $20 off or something. Does that make me a professional dancer?
DeleteUm, no.
DeleteMystery 2, alternate theory #1: You have an admirer, someone who knows you like an IPA from time to time. (It could even be the waiter from Mystery #1. Perhaps he is an alternate kind of being who has trouble keeping his atoms aligned so that you can see him and he can bring you beer? Anyway, he was so stunned to see you that his atoms scrambled and he went poof. But really this is about the beer steins...) Maybe the tiny beer steins are a kind of invitation. The sender has a crush on you, but cannot muster the courage to ask you to come out for an actual beer. Perhaps, since there are three, said sender also has a third person in mind to round out the group? Possibly your little m? I've heard that three party dates are on the rise in our area. Or...#2 you are now part of mystery-making chain mail phenomenon. Your task is to find tiny objects of curiosity but little actual value (so cost on postage stays low and there's no hassle with insurance and registration, etc.) you can send anonymously to someone you know, or don't know, with the result being that another person is happily dumbfounded and amused.
ReplyDeleteWow, there's a lot to consider here. I was stuck for a while on the atom-scrambling theory, but now I've fully moved along to Mystery #2. It would be lovely if someone had a crush on me, especially the kind that involved how it was all in both of our heads and our imaginary beer, because that's the sort of thing that tends to work out best.
DeleteI have also noticed that the three-person date is on the upswing in this area. Coincidence?
But I think the best theory is the chain mail one. I'm supposed to do something similar within 48 hours of when I get around to it or SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN. . .