Horoscopes: the "sperm carry memories" with breaking news about a rock

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):   I've been pretty distracted since I read this story about sperm carrying memories to offspring.  How cool is that?  Epigenetics!  The sperm is actually altered somehow by environmental factors, and creates behaviors not just in the direct offspring, but the grandchildren.  Anyway, I haven't gotten much done since I learned that.  Which of my actions are based on my grandfather's experiences?  (He actually lived a Gatsby-ish existence, so maybe that explains a few things.  Like my distaste for white shoes after labor day.)  Aries, be sure that any memories you pass on aren't too damaging.  Create good ones this week!

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  The other thing I can't stop thinking about is Bertha.  What's blocking her?  In case you're unaware, they are digging a wide and deep tunnel in Seattle, perhaps the largest one in the solar system or possibly the Milky Way.  It will be a mile and a half long, and 60 feet under loose sand and gravel in an earthquake-prone region or something sketchy like that.  Bertha, which looks like something from a Roald Dahl book, is the digging machine.  But she's been stopped by a large object!  Could it be a rock?  Now wouldn't that be surprising.  A rock!  Underground like that!  Have you heard of anything like it?  Your week, Taurus, will be full of strange miracles and events.  Be awestruck.

BREAKING NEWS!!  Beth and Clare were out walking last week and found a rock!!  Unlike Bertha, this did not stop them.  WE'LL REPORT ON THIS AS THE SITUATION UNFOLDS.


Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  In other news, there's a large plastic bag on 320th Street.  It's been there for a few days, and I keep meaning to stop and investigate, but I'm always in a hurry because it's on the west side of the road, so I see it on my way somewhere else.  What could be in the bag?  A body?  Trash?  A time travelling machine?  Should I stop?  Should I call someone?  Please advise, Gemini.  I'll wait til I hear from you. 

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21):   I was talking to JJ and The Traveller yesterday, and they were going on about all of the holiday parties they'd been to.  "This is my holiday party," I commented.  "And it's a gift exchange!  What did you bring?"
The traveller rummaged in her purse and fished out a half-eaten Luna bar and a poem that she wrote.  JJ gave me a cup of coffee.  It was all I had dreamed of and more.  (The poem was the more, even though the traveller didn't really read it, she just waved it about for a minute before refolding it and putting it back in her purse. But still.)  Cancer, enjoy the possibility of the season, even if it never materializes.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  I had the occasion to spend time with this shadowy figure recently, and I'm feeling a little old and sappy, but I've been lucky to have her as a friend for more than 30 years.  The first time we spoke was in college in NY, and it went like this:
Her:   I was thinking you could have me over for dinner and then help me with my physics homework.
Me:  Um, ok.
Her:  I like lasagna, so it would be good if you wanted to make that.
Leo, say "um, ok" as much as possible because it can lead to great things.

MORE ON THAT ROCK:  THEY THINK IT MAY BE AN ARTIFACT FROM THE SNOQUALMIE TRIBE, BECAUSE IT HAS A STRANGE PATTERN ETCHED ON IT.   (And, in a more conspiratorial tone, the pattern on the rock matches the new hat pattern that was created for the yarn store.  Coincidence?  Sheesh.)

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):  I was at dinner with a friend the other night and, unbeknownst to us, the lady from the P.O. bought our meal and drinks.  We don't know why, but it was a lovely thing and I would like to recommend more of that.  OH, no, that's not what I meant, that we should all buy the meals for me. (But I won't argue if you insist.  I'm gracious that way.)  But I think we should all do that.  Just go buy some random person dinner.  

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):   I was talking to one of the historical society ladies recently, and she told me that they did a scan of the Pioneer cemetary, and although there are ony a few headstones remaining, there are about 40 bodies underground.  Yikes!  Do you think Jimmy Hoffa's in there?  I asked her what kind of technology they used to scan for underground bodies, and she said, "well, you have to hire someone to do it.  We didn't do it ourself.  We hired someone."  Um, okay then.  Any questions?

ABOUT THAT ROCK?  IT WAS FOUND IT FAR DOWNSTREAM FROM WHAT R. CALLS, "TWO JOINTS POINT".  (AS THE MOTHER, I DON'T WONDER AT ALL WHY IT'S CALLED THAT.  NO I DONT.)  BUT I DIGRESS FROM THE UNFOLDING STORY ABOUT THE ROCK.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  I know, you're wondering why all this fuss about the rock.  I'm trying to promote Radio Duvall, because that's the kind of news that could be covered if we had a radio station.  Stuff you won't get anywhere else.  If you believe in REAL journalism, and opportunities for any unemployed whacko to get hold of a microphone and spout off, donate now!  Your horoscope?  It's going to be a great week!  The full moon is especially good for you, Scorp.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  I re-listened to one of my favorite old podcasts, the Radio Lab episode, Desperately seeking symmetry, which has so many fascinating things I can't even begin to recount them; just listen.  BUT, I will say it caused me to read about Hair Part Theory, which I may put to use in my own life.  If I change my part, I think everything will work out.  Is it too late, though?  The last thing I want to do is look like a Try Hard.  (I'd like to have the success of a Try Hard without the appearance of one.  Oops, I guess I didn't need to say that.)  Back to you Sag.  It's always good to have you around.  Blessings for you in your birthday season.

THIS JUST IN:  THEY BROUGHT THE ROCK TO THE PRETTY YARN STORE, AND BUILT A LITTLE NEST FOR IT OUT OF WOOL, WHERE IT REMAINS ON DISPLAY.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  If I were to recommend a building, I think it would be the Smith Tower, because it's so charming.  But that's not what you need, a building recommendation.  What you need is a walk. Or a podcast.  How about 99 Percent Invisible?  Do you listen to that?

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):   I'd like to recommend this book, Aquarius.  It's funny and quick and deals with something I know you'll understand:  the quirky obsessive quality that I love so well about you Aquarians.  Briefly, it's about a woman who stalks her cat.  I've never had a cat, but if I did I'd so be at that spy store buying research equipment.

MORE ON THE ROCK:  SOMEONE AT THE STORE KNOWS SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ABOUT ARTIFACTS.  THEY'RE GOING TO ASK HIM/HER ABOUT THE ROCK.  I WILL REPORT ON THIS MINUTE BY MINUTE IF NEEDED.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  C. asked me the other day if I have plans for New Year's Day dinner yet. "Um, no.  But I was hoping I'd still be at your house from last year."
"At dinner?  You'll still be there?"
"Um, sure!  Actually, it turns out I'm pretty much free until January 25, so I could just stay..."  C. looked a tiny bit alarmed but was gracious anyway, and that's what it's all about, Pisces.  Being gracious anyways.