This future, revealed.

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  I have a thing for hardware stores, I guess because everyone there seems so purposeful.  They're all about to make something, or at least fix something.  Hardware stores and their inhabitants are fighting entropy with everything they've got, but they make it look effortless.  It's almost like they don't understand that entropy always wins.  I find it so hopeful and calming to be around all that industriousness, because I've pretty much surrendered to the inevitable deterioration of stuff, so sometimes when it gets stressful, I just go walk around and watch.

Yesterday, while I was wandering around Home Depot, an employee came up to ask if I needed help, and I thought it was Tig Notaro.  Luckily, I remembered about my facial recognition disorder before I said anything awkward.  She did have brown hair, two arms, etc., not unlike Tig, but odds are pretty low that it actually was Ms. Notaro, since she was in New York only yesterday.  Using incredible powers of deduction, I realized that it would be unusual for her to be an employee at Home Depot, so I refrained from giving her a super-friendly fan greeting.  But now I'm regretting that a little. I mean, really, if you were some brown-haired, two armed clerk at a big box store, wouldn't you be thrilled to be mistaken for Tig?  So Aries, just go for it this week.  Give everyone the adoring fan greeting.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Every so often I check to see what search items bring random people to this blog.  The biggest draws for all time are "fur slugs" and "ham in a can", which I try pretty hard not to think about.  But today, I got a hit from Armenia, based on the search, "Horoscopes in which Spanx are never mentioned."  I'm so glad I was able to help.  I had no idea it was a real problem -- like, some guy in Armenia thinking, 'sheesh, I'm wondering what my horoscope is, but I hope they don't bring up Spanx again...'  Anyway, Taurus, your week is going to be mysterious and awesome, and Spanx will rarely be mentioned.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  Today, the boss came in and Ms. Pasta said, "hey, do you have a poem?"  He left the room for what seemed like a really long time, and we couldn't tell if he was just mortified and afraid of what might happen next, or if he went to get a poem.  He came back a long time later and said he was sorry, but he didn't have a poem.  (Not to stray from the topic, but how could he not know?)  He turned to me and asked, "So, did you give Ms. Pasta the same poem you gave me?"  I know!  He's still puzzling that out.  Sheesh.  Let it go already.  Of course I didn't give her the same poem.  That would be creepy, right?  Gemini, you're never creepy, so luckily, you can give out any poems you want.  Any time, any where, and no one will even bat an eye.  In fact, they'll feel lucky.  True dat.

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  I keep getting laid off (three letters so far), and I'm beginning to wonder if they think I'll be like that stalker ex-girlfriend or something, not getting it.  (Better have The Talk again, there she is, lurking in the bushes...)  Just for the record, I'm not Bartleby or that stalker ex.  I get it, Job, we broke up.  At any rate, one of the worst things about the rat race is when they move the finish line.  Not fair.  You get all geared up to be released from the invisible fencing and they change your release date.  How this relates to you, Cancer, is that sometimes the thing that you fear turns into what you long for.  I can't figure out whether that's depressing or good, but let's go with good, at least for this week.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  Speaking of work, I was talking to a someone the other day who said that years ago, when he started a job, each day he'd come home and mark his calendar with either a happy face or a sad face, and he decided that if there were more happys than sads at the end of the month, he'd keep at it.  He did keep at it, but I got the sense that maybe there was some mishap with the counting, or maybe its just that if he were to do the same thing today, it would come out differently.  But the point is, I'm pretty sure a whole day can't usually be summed up by one type of face.  Just for this week, Leo, put some sort of symbol on your calendar each day.  See where you end up.  Don't be afraid of using the side thumb when needed.   :-)

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):  You may not know this, but there's a little internet phenom going on right now, where women are creating videos on the theme, "Tights are not Pants."  To keep you from wasting time, I'll tell you that Youtube has nearly 1,000 videos, and let's just say that the title says it all.  There aren't many places you can take that.  It's like making a video of driving towards a destination in Iowa that you can see plainly from the first shot.  This is only marginally related to your horoscope, but I wanted to catch you up.  Your week, luckily, is going to be full of all kinds of stuff that you so did not see coming.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  I'm sitting in a coffee shop, over-hearing two young people planning a trip of some sort, and I heard this: "We're going to have some trouble getting the dogs up in time.  Lately, they've been sleeping til 10."  This is why I can't write.  I stare off into space trying not to show how hard I'm listening, and trying to refrain from using the internet to confirm my suspicion that there's something really wrong with a dog that doesn't get up early every day, and especially when packing is happening.  I'm sitting here thinking, "is it weird if I just go over to that table and start asking them questions about their dogs?"   Libra, don't be like those slacker dogs.  Get up early and plant yourself in the car when you suspect a trip is afoot.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  Anyway, to make a long story short without even telling the story, I had to go back to the coffee shop today to pay, and different people were working when I returned.  I said I needed to pay for the two drinks we had earlier (oh, see, now I'm telling the story,  Sheesh.)  At any rate, the beloved cranky old man asked who I was with, I said M., and he said, "oh, right, a Scorpio.  Gotta charge you for two shots, because I'm sure she had them, or should have."  That's the kind of week you'll have.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  The other day, I was helping someone in, yes, the Permit Center (fortunately, not too many more posts will have that sentence in them...), and I asked if she had the bright pink form, and she didn't seem to, so I said, "oh, maybe you printed it out from the internet, so it's white?"
"Why would it be white and not pink?"
"Well, if you printed it from home on white paper, it would be white."
"So, why wouldn't it print the right color at home?"

Anyway, Sag, have patience.  You'll need it this week.

M & I in our 3-D glasses
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19):  My little M. told me that the other day, she saw a small, tissue paper hot air balloon floating towards the parking lot she was standing in.  When it arrived on the ground, she and two other random spectators approached it, and found that it had a love declaration in it from someone named Almond.  The three, who were now partners in awestruck-ness, went into the mini-market, purchased three scratch tickets, and taped them, along with a note, onto the balloon’s basket.  They pooled all the paper they could summon from their pockets for rocket fuel, lit it, and sent it off again.  I feel pretty proud of her – she obviously knows how to behave in a small hot air balloon situation.  I don’t know if all the young people would know to add the scratch tickets and to form a little adventure with the random people in the parking lot, but that was undoubtedly the right thing to do.  I was proud the way someone might be if your offspring had performed CPR on a heart attack victim.  Capricorn, do the right thing this week.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  Believe it or not, last night was the first time I've ever been invited to a  Washington State Future Farmer's of America awards ceremony party.  Always the same question, what to wear, what to wear.  Spoiler Alert:   Lynden Christian High School seemed to be winning lots of stuff.  Your week will be like that.  Lots of winning, lots of recognition.  Be gracious.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  So we were walking around last night, and R. said, “Hey, my friend just got home from college, and she wondered if we could get together tomorrow afternoon, but we only have about half an hour.  If I text this, does it sound creepy?  “If we just have time to get together for a short time, I’d rather not. It’s like having one bite of cake and not the whole piece.”

Well, yeah, I guess it seems mildly sexual, if that’s what you mean.  Maybe substitute “potato chips.”

“But I don’t even like potato chips that much.”

“Yeah, but it’s kind of a cliché that people can’t really just have one.” 

“Mom, I’m not really a big potato chip eater.” 

"Does she know that?"

"I’m not gonna lie to her.   I had probably better skip texting food metaphors."

That is some good decision-making right there, Pisces.  Do that this week, if you can.   Avoid texting food metaphors. 


  1. So nice to have my horrorscope back again..and I'll be sure to get in the car right away if I notice any packing going on.

    1. Thanks D.! Yes, don't let the car leave without you!

  2. I am uber happy that Spanx will only be mentioned a few times in the coming week; that will be a huge change :)

    You know, your horoscopes are like potato chips too - I could never read just one.

    1. I hope it's true, about the Spanx. Sometimes I misread the stars etc. . .

  3. You know I am so glad that you keep me up on all that is cutting edge on the internet these days. The weird thing is that the other day, I was watching the young woman at the coffee shop make my coffee and I thought to myself, so,really? Tights are pants now? It seems like one of those horrifying dreams where you realize you are in French class and you are still wearing your pajamas- or maybe just a t-shirt and tights.....

    1. Oh, I totally have those dreams, but these days, I'm at a job interview and I'm wearing dirty jeans and a t-shirt.


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