Your week by the stars

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):   Do you ever wake up from a dream with some new conviction, like yeah, I’m totally going to stop doing laundry for all the people at work.  That’s just ridiculous.  I’m telling them, first thing on Monday.  And you lie there feeling so good about how good your new life is going to be, but it slowly dawns on you that you don’t really do the laundry for the people at work? It was just a weird dream? And you feel a tiny bit awkward, even though all of this has only happened in your head? Yeah, I hate that. But then, if you think about it, it’s really good, because you’re already there! Your life already is better than the one you were about to fix!  I know!  Your week will be like that too, better than your dreams.  Enjoy.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):   Is it your birthday?  Oh my!  Begin this trip around the globe with laughter and the knowledge that you are well-loved, and the conviction to live the best life possible.  Follow the rules, and expect good things.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): So it turns out that Johnny Depp, that other Gemini, is related to Queen Elizabeth II (the woman, not the ship.)  You're probably related to them too.  Here's what Johnny said lately:  "I think you have to be a little nuts to step into what would be a wild west saloon dragging what would probably amount to a seventy-five pound lizard tail."  I think we'd all agree, no?  This week, no wild west saloons, no lizard tails.  I'm serious.  Put the lizard tail down...

Cancer 6/22 – 7/21:  The other day on the way to lunch, the boyz were trying to figure out how many eggs a woman starts out with, don't ask why.  So B. starts googling it on his phone, and I start using the calculator on my phone to figure it out a different way.  But luckily, right about then, we pass a person dressed as a cow standing in front of a steak house, holding a sign that says, "We also have salad", and dancing to music that no one else can hear.  "Hey, that's what we can do when we get laid off," says B.  The best thing about your week, my dear Cancers, is that none of this will happen to you.  Your future is extremely bright.  Think super nova.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  Does it seem like, after all of this time sitting on the sidelines, that everyone is asking you to dance?  I know!  Keep doing what you do, as they say.  Good things abound. 

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):  Do you like how, in the news stories about opening the Morganza Spillway, they talk about 600,000 cubic feet of water every second?  I know.  I thought that would stick in your craw.  This week, expect your horoscopist to drop in unannounced.  Give her a tree.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  Rapture is scheduled to happen this week.  What that means for you is that you should get yourself to the freeway and look for a car you want, because many will soon be unoccupied, and you'll still be here.  While you're at it, try to get a dog.  

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  Has it been 192 years since we've seen 70 degrees outside?  Okay, maybe only 192 days, but still... You can make it.  You really can.  5 more days, and you're solid.

Sagitarius (11/22 – 12/21): It's looking like a good week ahead.  Arm yourself with avocados and crossword puzzles, and just be in the present moment where all is well.  Worry and dread have no place here, thankfully.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): So, at my workplace, every six months, there's a big layoff craze, where they eliminate a bunch more people, not unlike one of those reality t.v. shows.  But on those shows, you know the drill:  on Wednesday, people will vote, and a precise number will be eliminated.  In our office, it's more like, "one of these days, we're going to eliminate some of you, and we're not going to tell you when, or how many.  You know that relationship thing that happens where one person says, "we need to talk...." and you pretty much know what that means?  Yeah, it's sort of like that, only it's actually that you hear from a friend that your partner mentioned to a 3rd person that you need to talk, and you're not sure if the talk is about you guys breaking up, or those two buying a new couch.  Anyway, the point, Capricorn, is that we are mortal.  Stuff happens beyond our control, and we don't get warning, and we don't always like it.  But in this very moment, life is good.  Do not crawl under the covers in the fetal position; that's so unbecoming.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  Take your geeky ones to see this movie, and tell me what you think.  It didn't get good reviews, but it's so rare to find a film noir about particle physics.  Just make it through this week, and you're good.  The weekend will be excellent.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):): The other day in the Permit Center (are you guys tired of sentences that start like that, by the way?), a 60ish year old woman signed up on my list to ask about wetlands and streams, but her questions were far-flung and unrelated.  Like, “So, there’s a pothole in the road in front of this house I’m thinking of buying.  How long do you think it will take to get it repaired?”  And, “Would this be a good area to have a dog?” and “When it snows, how long before my road will get plowed?”  It was kind of refreshing for me, because I knew the answers, and also, the answers weren’t so code zombie-ish as the usual ones I give. The pothole won’t be repaired anytime soon, because the roads in the county (except for that ½ mile stretch on Avondale Road, which is perfect) are worse than the roads in Nicaragua.  Yes, you should get a black lab from the humane society.  If your street name ends in the word, “lane”, it will never be plowed.  Your week will be like that, where you’ll know all the answers.  Rejoice!