Ain't No Stradamus

Aries (3/21 – 4/19): So the other day, I'm test-driving a mountain bike from a store, a new pastime, which is just as fun as snacking on the samples at Costco, but better, because it doesn't involve Costco or the weird snack food.  Anyway, the salesman suggests that I spend a few hours and try two or three bikes, so I'm sort of instantly his fan, because it's the middle of the work day and all.

I pull out my phone to see if I have time, and he gets all, "Sheesh, I hate cell phones.  I only have an old one and I leave it off, and I only check my e-mail once a week."  He went on a huge tear about the ONLY way he wants to be contacted is on the phone.

It reminded me that everyone's gotten so freakin' particular about their means of communication.  I only text.  I never text.  I hate the phone, please e-mail.  I only FB message, please don't call.  And so on.  Everyone is so righteous, sure that their way as the Only Way, which seems a little familiar, doesn't it?  Anyway, this week, my dear Aries, just communicate.  Do your best, use whatever you like - semaphore code, whispering, whatever.  Say it with flowers, in fact.  Yes, flowers.  With everyone except for my mother having caller ID, flowers remain  the only way to sneak up on someone, communication-wise, in a good way.

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  How do you feel about the fact that you can google all of the possible symptoms, real and imagined, that you and everyone you know has?  Reassuring, or anxiety-producing?  Let's all just put away google for a few minutes, and just enjoy the relative health we have.

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): This is that time of year when everyone marvels at how late it stays light.  Lots of conversations include, "Wow, last night, after dinner, I went for a walk and it was still light!"  this happens every year, and yet, each spring we act amazed, demonstrating the length of our memories, or perhaps the lack of anything else to talk about.  You don't hear us saying, "wow, I went outside after lunch and it was still light out!"  Because most of us can remember that from yesterday.  But back to your horoscope.  There are many ordinary things to marvel at this week.  Do that, and find the charm in our short memories.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21):  If you can go on vacation this week, why not go to Death Valley to see the wildflowers?  According to my source, you can stay at Motel 6, 7, or 8 for a pretty fair price.  The time is now.  Bring chains, though, because there might be snow.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  So, you're sitting in a bar, and someone you vaguely know starts talking about astrology, and you say, 'uh, I can't get behind that.  Astronomy, yes.  Astrology, not so much.'  Anyway, he goes into a long thing about Vedic Astrology, which is better than the regular kind, causing this phony astrologer to sit up and take notice.  (As in, wait, never heard of that.  Uh oh.  Awkward.  Like selling cars and not knowing what a clutch is.)  So I look it up, and spend, and I'm not exaggerating, an hour on various free websites entering times, latitudes, dates, and so on, I end up with the answer:  9.   Which seemed really good until I plugged in today's information.  Today, my friends, your panchanga is 14!!!  Lemme know how that works out.

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22):  Don't feel bad if today isn't a 14.  Seriously.  There are worse problems, like having a bunched up thing in your sock, or having to watch coverage of Michael Jackson's funeral for three days straight.  Besides, we don't even know what the scale is -- 14 out of what?  Or it could be one of those things like golf (speaking of worse problems) where a low number is better.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22):  How do you feel about the pre-clovis point people in Texas?  I'm actually pretty excited about that, but let's get on with your horoscope, shall we?  Yes, there are some really primitive people out there!  Celebrate that anyway, against your better judgment.  And carry a clovis point around as an offering, just in case.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): So I just learned of something called the No No for hair removal, which operates much like a match, if you can imagine how a match works:  you light it, hold it close, and the hair burns.  But they say it uses 'thermodynamic pulses of heat'.  There is that strong smell of hair burning, which, well, call it aerodynamic pulses of aroma, or perhaps we'll call a war a Kinetic Military Activity (which isn't defined in the Urban Dictionary yet -- Challenge!!) but we all know that smell.  This week, Scorpios, call it as it is. 

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21):  You know that thing when someone leaves $10 in your shoe? Don't ask a lot of questions, just enjoy. And must I remind you, please spend it in ways that are legal.  Please don't be textin' your mama sayin' you bought a dime bag.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): There's a website devoted to the concept of "if you watch it backwards...", which has things like, "If you watch an intervention backwards, it’s about friends and family forcing someone to become dangerously addicted to drugs and alcohol." Many of the stories are happier backwards than forwards, and your week will be just like that.  Phew!

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): What do you think, is this cool or creepy?  I know!  That's exactly how your week will be.  That strange balance, where if you look at it one way, it seems really cool, but you lose your focus for a sec and it's creepy.  Don't lose your focus, that's all I'm saying.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  Ok, Pisces, I've looked high and low for your horoscope, and I am not kidding.  I even found this website for you, which contains two listings for Duvall.  One, that old UFO thing that happened in 2002, where I think one guy, up at 4:30, saw a light.  Not The Light, I guess, but just a light.  But the second one was about the cemetary:  "witnesses report noises, stange feelings, and being frightened." Yep.  Strange doings, just like your week.  Don't be frightened, though.