Really? This is the future?
Taurus (4/20 – 5/20): Okay, so TARP turned out to only cost $50 billion. That really isn't that much, and I wish everyone would quit whining. But speaking of whining, does it seem like everyone is complaining lately about being sick, or tired, or bored? What's going on? Can we make it stop? If the upcoming week were a roof, yours would be composite with a 30 year warranty. Sorry. Next week will be better, I'm sure of it.
Gemini (5/21 – 6/21): It's time to be thinking about cake! Yes, it is.
Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): Have you ever had that thing where you gather a bunch of mushrooms, and then, addict like, gather more and more, and eat so many that you feel sick? Remember when everyone used to smoke pot, back in the day, and there was that paraquat scare, and it was hard to tell if you had been poisoned or were just experiencing normal paranoia? Yeah, like that. Anyway, your week will be like a clean smock at a new job with your name embroidered in cursive.
Leo (7/23 – 8/22): If you ever get really in the Halloween spirit, google images for Area 51. But here's something NOT to do: DO NOT try to post any stories about Area 51 to Facebook. Weird shit starts happening, right away. I'm not kidding. That guy in the bushes? Yep. CIA.
Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Do you ever worry that there's a secret webcam in your house because it will be so awkward when your life is exposed in all it's dullery? Oh, no, me neither. Never worried about that. If your week were a hat, it would be a giant sombrero, which you should take off once in a while, and wave around towards your admiring fans.
Libra (9/23 – 10/22): Does everything seem stale, and you try to write but it's all coming out boring and like a completely unfamiliar life, like, "hey, grandma went down to the bayou and then the horse died and then they made gumbo" til you just want to scream, but you're too lazy? Yep. Your week so far has been like a 3 day old scone, but that's about to change.
Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21): Do your relatives have weird hangups about forks? Like, your grandma has one fork that she declares as horrible, but keeps it around, only to visibly shudder if it ends up at her place setting? And your mother and that weird fixation about only using a dessert fork for cake, and your little bro from the same mo' won't eat with a three-tined thing? I know. Strangely, you've escaped unscathed. Help these people, they need you.
Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): Do you ever look in the mirror and think, Oh My Goodness, I have bingo wings! Yeah, me neither. I haven't thought that yet, phew. But it's coming, and when it gets here, the thing to do is yell, "N-42!" and then get on with your life. If your week were a snack, it would be a ritz cracker with a bit of cheddar cheese on it. Predictable. See if you can make some mock apple pie, at least, and what I mean by that is rearrange the boring bits and see if it makes it any more palatable.
Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): Oh, my dear goats. Alas, if this week were an outfit, it would be not unlike that meat outfit that Lady Gaga wore. I know! Don't shoot the messenger. You might want to just start with a hat. But my real point in writing, dear ones, is to remind you to put yourself away at night because there are bears all over the place.
Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18): I know someone with a new boss who closed the staff lunch room on the her first day on the job. On her second day, she locked it, and only gave keys to the handful of people, so that most of the people who work there were just wandering around bewilderedly with their sandwiches saying, "huh?" Your week will involve a lot of that, but without the sandwich.
Pisces (2/19 – 3/20): Speaking of bingo, don't be a bingo tease. It's just too much excitement.