It's like describing a card trick

Aries (3/21 – 4/19):  Do you sometimes feel like you're sort of out of it, tied down with responsibilities, and then suddenly, you realize, wait, I'm totally in the thick of what's happening, because there I was at the Grand Opening, for godssakes, of the new Goodwill?  Yep.  You've definitely got it going on.  This week, look forward to going on a trip across the water with your friend.  (And all those other people.)

Taurus (4/20 – 5/20):  Does it sound far-fetched that we're planning a manned trip to Mars?  It sometimes seems hard to sort out fact from fiction these days.   Your week will be awesome, as it should be.  Do the dishes already, make your mama proud.  (I think that I could be arrested for having Aaron Carter on my iPod, by the way.  Isn't there a certain age past which it's just creepy?)

Gemini (5/21 – 6/21):  Sometimes random strangers come to the door and tell you stuff, like, "hey, you should really rake the moss out of your lawn," or "have you tried Jesus?"  It's hard to see these people as helpful.  In fact, it's easy to suspect that they are part of the dog's spy network, and there's a code being passed, because that's strange, right?  Take heart.  They're there to remind us how lucky we are that we never ever have to go door to door.  Ever.  (Unless the children are selling things.)

Cancer (6/22 – 7/21): Courtney Love is a Cancer too, which you probably knew.  But did you know that with the assistance of "renewed devotion to Buddhist chant, and the assistance of several life coaches and therapists", she is getting her life back on track?  That's what the NYT says, anyway, which caused me to seek out this video.  I will just say that Courtney describes Buddhism as the most aggressive, amazing religion, where you just chant for what you want and you get it.  She's got a list of what she chants for that includes "perfect man, perfect house, stay sober...".  Sounds pretty Buddhist to me, that aggressive getting your way thing, just like the Dalai Lama.  But the rest of you Cancer's seem to have inner Buddhism that will allow you to experience great joy this week.

Leo (7/23 – 8/22):  I think Daniel Pinkwater will love to get your letter.  In fact, he was probably about to write to you anyway.  Enjoy this lovely spring and keep posting pretty pictures. 

Virgo (8/23 – 9/22): Oh, my imaginary Virgo friends, why do I never see you?  I don't even know what your obsession d'jour is.  Make that stop!  And your week, well, wear a hat if that makes you feel better about the bald spot.

Libra (9/23 – 10/22): This week go find that grave and try to figure out who, or what, is buried under there.

Scorpio (10/23 – 11/21):  This morning I went to the mailbox and found a book, "I Was Told There'd be Cake", which made me so very very happy, both because of the sweet surprise, and because the other book I'm trying to read is The War that Killed Achilles, which serves as a constant reminder of how tiny and insect-like my attention span is.  Your week will be excellent, and you should swing by later if you can.

Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21): This week, you'll probably do more time traveling, but sadly, no one will really believe you because, of course, you won't appear to be gone, your work won't even suffer.  And, it all happened a long time ago anyway.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/19): So, here's a tip: if she gets up and leaves at 2 am saying 'you seem really distant', and you're all, 'huh?  I was asleep, what's wrong with that?'  There were probably clues before you went to sleep.  (Just a wild guess.)  This week, be curious.  Pay attention, see if you can figure it out.

Aquarius (1/20 – 2/18):  Did you know that your key planet is Uranus?  (That sounds like some coarse joke, but it's really just a fact.)  And right now, Uranus is in Pisces, which causes great difficulty through May 27.  The deal is, though, that it takes 84 of our years for Uranus to make it around the sun once, so after 5/27, you should be good for a long time. 

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20):  Sometimes I cheat on these horoscopes, and think, hmm, what are people interested in these days, uh, turns out I have no idea.  So I use the little google insights tool to see what people are searching for, and realize, yup, I have absolutely no knowledge of the things that everyone is researching, so I stray off and do that research, adding to the number of people searching for that stuff.  So, to put an end to the madness, I'll tell you here, Pisces, what's going on in the world, based on the top rising google searches.  (Stick it out, there will be a horoscope at the end.)
#1:  Michelle McGee is the woman, raised Amish, who became a tattooed stripper who had an affair with Jesse James, estranged husband of Sandra Bullock.  Sandra Bullock is a famous actress, I'm told.
#2:  Erykah Badu is a soul singer (kind of smooth jazz, ick), who walked to the site of JFK's assassination, stripped, sang a song, staged a fake shooting, and mimed being assassinated in front of children and other tourists.  What she said?  "John F. Kennedy was a revolutionary; he was not afraid to butt heads with America, and I was not afraid to show America my butt-naked truth." Um, okay then. 
 Um, #3 is Jesse James, but I think we've covered that, so we'll skip to #4, which is Topeka.  Yes, the capital of Kansas.  I have no idea what's going on there.  Did I miss something? My research shows that they're having an art walk, they have a huge budget deficit, and the name means, "dig good potatoes." (Fyi, Topeka is #4 rising google search nationwide, but #1 in Washington State.  Huh?  Are we still reminiscing about April Fool's Day?  Personally, I'm trying to move on, but maybe it's not that easy for everyone?)
 #5:  "Masters", which apparently refers to a golf tournament.  Golf is a pastime  involving lots of white men, white shorts, and chemically managed lawns.  The Masters Tournament is held each year in Augusta, Georgia (which doesn't seem to be getting as much attention as Topeka), and the compelling thing about it is that people stand in silence and watch other people try to hit a tiny ball into a similar-sized hole across a super-manicured lawn.  (I'm kind of on Topeka's side here, actually.)
 Does it seem sad that things like, "Pulitzer" didn't even make the top 10 this week?  But Pisces, back to you:  the point here is that there's tons of stuff out there to be interested in, so just pick something and go for it.

Comments

  1. Oh man.....when I read "Gemini" I think, "Whoa, it's like this was written about MY life. It is SO right on!" But, that can't be, right? We all do that when we read the horoscopes, right???

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  2. I always wonder why "news" is plural .... I mean, there's more than one, but each one isn't a "new" -- they're all "news", and not necessarily "new" even -- I mean, that Iceland volcano thing's been going on for a week. Even I know about it, and I don't even have TV. So it's good to know Erykah (sp?) was naked in public; hope that goes well for her.

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  3. hey Courtney stole my mantra!! perfect man, perfect house, stay sober...perfect man, perfect house, stay sober...I say that all the time

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