weird out

I walk in the door after work yesterday to the usual, “what’s for dinner?”

“It’s your night to cook, R.”

“Oh, I HATE that!  And the question stands, what’s for dinner?”

“What do you want to make?”

“I dunno.”

“How about taco salad?”

“Sounds good.  Do we have the stuff for it?”

“Um, no.”

“Mom, are we gonna go through all of these imaginary choices and end up at burritos?  Because we could just skip to that part.”

“Ok, let’s.” 

“Are you sure you don’t want to cook tonight?  This seems complicated.”

“Yep, I’m sure.”

"How was your day?"

"The yooj.  Angry crazy people all day.  Yelling."

"And?"

"Everyone just seems particularly crazy.  The guy who planted the trees is getting a restraining order on his neighbor because she was in the stream, shoveling it out trying to get more water go on her side of the island."

“Is that allowed?”

“And he has 8 webcams that were formerly trained on the entrances to his enormous house aimed towards the stream now.”

“Why all the cameras?”

“Lots of expensive art. And because when he came home the other day, he snuck around the bushes and caught her on his side of the stream with his iPhone.  Now he has 36 hours of motion activated camera time ready for her.”

“What did he want?"

"To see if I was going to do anything about this red string that the neighbor has intertwined around the trees he planted on the island.  And the bird houses."

“Oh. “

“When he called, among other things, he said, “I’ve spent so much money on this, which is not a problem for a guy like me.  But if I were just an average person, like you, I would be furious.”

“Yeah.  He has no idea you have a stash of $20’s under the mattress.  How do I heat beans?”

“Either put them in a saucepan on the stove, or put them in a bowl in the microwave.  Oh, and B. joined the Tea Party movement and I had to hear about that all day.”

“Tell me straight, Mom, when I choose microwave, do you secretly think, sheesh, this kid won’t even be able to live on canned food without help, or do you think it’s kind of resourceful?”

“Resourceful.”

We sit down to eat and I start reading the Social Q’s column aloud from the Sunday NYT.  We gave up on the Ethicist a while back because it just got too tedious.

“To thank me for helping them, my neighbors invite me for Sunday brunch.  While we were dining, the waiter placed two dozen oysters on the table.  My hosts told me they were just for the hostess, and I couldn’t have any.  I was dumfounded!  I excused myself to the bathroom, and left the restaurant.  Later, I sent them a message saying I had no intention of seeing them again.  The hostess replied that the invitation was for the base brunch only.  Was I wrong?”

“Seriously, Mom?  Are you making that up?  Someone who reads the New York Times wasn’t sure if that was proper etiquette?”  He says this as he swigs some orange juice directly from the carton.

“Not making it up.”

“Uh, I do that all the time.  Go eat at a fancy restaurant on the neighbor’s dime and when they won’t share the oysters, forget it, I just climb out the bathroom window. I usually follow up with an e-mail to say I never want to see them again.”

It just seems really weird out lately.